How to be a Model Employee

Primary school teaches you ABC, Secondary teaches you 123, Uni teaches you the world in theory. But when you make your endeavour into the workplace, there’s some things you just have to pick up along the way.

Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way on succeeding at work:

1. Be good at what you do: sounds simple but at the end of the day, your skills and knowledge is your most valuable asset. No amount of bluffing or sucking up can replace the value of someone who really knows what they are doing.
2. Make yourself indispensible: this was actually the advice my boss gave me. Create a role for yourself in your office, and make yourself invaluable to the business. Be warned though, as if you make yourself too indispensible, you may find it difficult to move from the role you’ve created for yourself. The trick is to make your role malleable enough to change according to the needs of the business, and your own professional development.
3. Work for the business as if it’s yours: As an employee of a business, you are actually a stakeholder in the business. If the business blooms, the profits are reaped by everyone in the business. If you have this mindset, then you will actively think of solutions to make the business better, such as cost-cutting strategies and ways to streamline systems. After all, the best people to make these suggestions are not those twice-removed in the hierarchy, but by those who use the system on a daily basis.
4. Work unconditionally: In Buddhism we practice unconditional love to people. I like to apply the same principle at work, where we can strive to give to the business without expecting anything from it in return. Have you noticed when you do the work you are to do without thinking too much into it, the work is natural and not draining. However, when you start calculating how much you are getting out of this compared with how much you are putting in, or when you start comparing yourself with others, or when you start thinking about the ‘opportunity cost’ of staying vs finding another place – that’s when all the headaches and suffering comes in, and when you find yourself unhappy in your predicament. Similarly, when you’re constant seeking for praise and acknowledgement, you spend all your time telling people what you have done rather than focus on what you should be doing. If you find yourself doing this, think of JFK’s words (with my slight modifications): “Ask not what your business can do for you, but what you can do for your business.” Your sense of fulfilment will come immediately, overcoming the discontentment of wishing for something other. It is amazing how simply caring for the business that sustains your life, how caring for your boss and fellow collegues can make a dramatic difference in your working life. After all, it’s not about the work or workmates, not about the challenges – it’s about your relationship with them, and what attitude you want to adopt in the face of difficulties.
5. Like what you do: Another simple concept, and arguably some will say it’s easier said than done. But I believe everyone has a choice to either enjoy something or not. I have crappy days at work, and I get tired and frustrated, but at the end of the day, I am proud of what I do and what I have done, and know this is what I want to do with my life at this moment in time. At the beginning of the day, I look forward to going to work (though I must admit, some days are easier to do than others).
6. Be passionate: I know it’s a cliche – but if you are passionate about the work you, it will give you an incredible energy and endurance. In particular for me, I find any alturistic act on my part and knowing I have made a difference, not matter how small, to someone’s life – even just to someone’s day – that’s enough motivation for me to strive on. As I mentioned above, if you are passionate about the business you work for as if it’s your own, you will share in the delight of the business blooming and you will go through the difficulties together. And if you come out of this difficulty, it isn’t just the achievement of the employer, but that of all the staff involved.
7. Be creative: change is the way of life, and to survive, a business must change according to the changed circumstances it finds itself in. So I think all businesses should welcome the creative suggestions of its staff that would help make the business thrive externally and internally. If you can be that person who gives proper, workable and cost-effective suggestions to management, it certainly would get you noticed!
8. Be brave and expand your expertise: I’m sure you’re aware of how businesses have been cutting staff and having remaining staff to take on multiple roles. It’s a cost-cutting move, and instead of whinging about it, embrace it. If you can expand your expertise to assist your business, or open up new services your business can provide to prospective clients, then it will make you an invaluable employee. This doesn’t mean, however, that you do this with the intention to hawk over other people’s positions. Remember you’re all in this together and malicious competition like this is only going to create a business of distrust and factions. Not cool.

In addition to these key principles, as an employee you should also be aware of how you present yourself. After all, you are the best ad for not only yourself, but also your business. If you see clients and interact with the public as part of your job, then you become the face of the company. And let me tell you – first impressions count, because often times with new clients, that’s all you get. That’s why each business should have a good receptionist because they are the first point of call for the business. So if a business wants to promote professionalism, friendliness, efficiency, etc – then each and every staff through their interaction with the public should have this as their underlying manner of communication. Once reputation is tarnished, it is so hard to repair.

So……..here are some tips to remodel yourself as a model employee:

1. Dress the part: I know, superficial of me to put this as the first point, right? Well, whether rightly or wrongly, our first impression of someone we meet is visual, and what we wear is the obvious signal we give to others. What we wear can influence the status someone attributes to us, and can also convey the level of service and professionalism we hold. If you are unsure of what to wear, take a look at your fellow colleagues. Are your colleagues are professionally dressed in shirt and tie, or are they in trendy mini skirts or jeans? Some offices would have the former as a dress code, while the latter may be more appropriate in more laid-back offices (still not sure about the mini though!).
2. Talk the talk: every profession has its lingo. This includes all the jargon, as well as the manner and delivery of our interactions with clients. It’s important to present yourself as someone who is sure of what they are doing to entrust confidence in your client/ prospective client, not to mention your boss. If you are unsure, don’t make things up, but skillfully note down that you will follow up on that for the client. While I’m on the topic of talking, there are appropriate tones for different situations, for example, how you speak to your friends over a beer would be different to speaking at a conference. Make sure you know how to manipulate your tone to portray the right image you want for yourself and your business. Keep this professionalism on the phone, in all verbal and written interactions. Finally, remember that this professional voice is not cold and bland, but one of assurance, confidence and understanding.
3. Make yourself known: if you happen to work in a big office, or interact in a large profession, you need to make people know you exist, know what you do, and what relationship you have with them and their job. From regular coffee break chit chats to speaking up at meetings, make an impression, and make these impressions by face-to-face interactions as much as you can rather than via email. You want people to know there is a face and pesonality behind the dozen emails sent to them everyday.
4. Keep the personal and professional distinct: I’m not talking about having complete separation as it’s important you bring a piece of ‘you’ and personality to work, and get to know people on a personal basis as much as you can. What I’m talking about is knowing that there is a time and place for the personal affairs. For example, constantly bringing your personal problems to work to the extent of affecting your work could create myrid problems for you. Likewise, using your work email for personal use is hazardous as your employer has a right to view your work email if s/he so wishes.
5. Being a hardworker: most often it’s how well you work, rather than how hard you work. However, someone who strolls in at 9am and leaves at 5pm on the dot is not going to give the impression they are a hardworker despite the work they do do throughout the day (especially so if everyone else remains in the office until 6pm). Some other sure signs that you obviously don’t have enough work to do are: having FB or your personal email opened the whole day, chatting on MSN, bringing a novel to work, having a manicure set on your desk (permanently and used), surfing the internet at obviously work un-related sites (e.g., utube), the list is endless.
6. Have a personality: more specifically, a nice personality. Be someone who people like to work with. It makes teamwork possible, improves communication, and generally makes work fun. Difficult personalities/ emotions include pickiness, stubborness, anger, demanding, controlling, defensiveness, distrust, bitchiness, low self-esteem, indifference, etc.
7. Learn something everyday from everybody and everything: there is always a new way to develop yourself professionally and personally. If you repect the way someone does something, copy and adopt it for yourself. If you overcame a difficulty, learn from that experience, documenting it if necessary (like this blog!). If you go angry, frustrated, upset or confused, use that as a way to overcome these negative emotions and develop your personality to be more forgiving, open and wise. If there are things you don’t understand, ask someone you trust has the knowledge, time and patiene to advise you. There are also a lot of support networks and call centres to assist too. If necessary and appropriate, perhaps you can do a course too. Younger employees would find a lot of motivation and enjoyment in their work if they approach work as a way to gain experience – it allows them to enjoy the journey, rather than just the destination.

I think that’s enough from me. I hope these tips help you in your professional careers. They are based on what I have seen and experienced, so it may not be applicable to your situation. However, I do find that my Buddhist practice has helped me enormously throughout my whole university and working life. After all, what’s Buddhism without putting it into practice, and what’s practice if it’s not a daily practice. Considering the substantial amount of time we spend at work, it really is a place where ABC123theory comes together, and pushes us every so often further into new horizons. With these principles and tips in mind, I wish you success in becoming the model employee at your job.

Courage to leave the shore

When I told my friends I’m going kayaking at Manly Beach with the ferries and yachts (despite the fact I’ve never done it before, won’t even call myself a swimmer, and fear I’ll drown in the Great Ocean) they looked at me like I was crazy.

It didn’t sink in just how crazy I really was until I was standing at the Manly Beach pier strapped to my life jacket (tight!). We were given very brief instructions, and off we went with our paddles into what I thought were flimsy looking open canoes. I was already preparing myself to be toppled out of them into the great ocean. We were told to stay clear from the ferries, as they would not be able to stop in time for us, and to keep away from getting too close to the reefs in case we get stuck or scatched. I’ve also been told the Great White Sharks hang out there too. Nice.

When I first got into the open double-kayak, it was rocking unbelievably. I was happy to just hang around paddling in the coastline, but my co-kyak-pilot Linus headed straight for the open waters, at what I thought was seemingly high speeds while I was still trying to figure out how to turn and stop with my paddle.

Thankfully Linus had paddled before, and who turned out to be a great kayaker. I started to feel safe in her capable hands as we ventured out amongst the sail boats towards the islands.

My reluctant self was left behind at the shoreline, as I grew more confident in the waters and in the kayak. I could even waddle around in the kayak, stretching out lazily as the waves carried us. I still remember the feeling of floating along in the Great Ocean, with my feet hanging over the boat dipped into the water, the sea breeze through my hair and the sun shining over us (though, I eventually received a severe sunburn on my legs!). The freedom to sail whereever we wanted to go, and for the first time in my life, feeling so close to the Great Ocean, and so comfortable in its embrace. It was an incredibly liberating feeling.

Linus and I were having so much fun, we stayed in the kayak while others explored the island. We eventually did park at the island, and the water was amazingly clear. It was beautiful and untainted by the artificial pollutions we humans love to create.

Upon our return to the pier, I felt the solid ground beneath my feet. It took me a few moments to adjust again to the stability of the earth, instead of the flowing of the water. We went kyaking for two hours, and in that time, I had transformed my nervousness to confidence.

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Now isn’t that a lot like the horizons we come across in life?

When faced with change, we may shy away from trying something new. We want to remain in our comfort zone, where we can huddle in our security blankets of certainty and stability. We are scared of the unknown, we are afraid of losing what we already have. We justify it to ourselves, “Why fix what ain’t broke?” or “The grass is not greener on the otherside – it could be worse!” We want to keep paddling around the coast, and dismiss the need to go any further.

Yet paradoxically, it is precisely the courage to take that first step into the unknown, and all subsequent steps thereafter, that the knowledge and confidence is gained to allow us to make this unknown into what is known and ‘comfortable’ to us. I can think of dozens of examples in my life where I took the risks into the unknown, gave it everything I got – some hurdles easier than others – and now everytime I need to revisit similar hurdles, it is much easier and better managed.

It is this fearlessness that separates the amazing and the mediocre, and allows you to perform at your ultimate.

When there is an absense of fear – not reckless indifference for consenquence – you can truly put your ego aside, and not be trapped by anxiety, stress or embarrasment. You can cast aside the restraints of past and future, to be present to the present moment, thus allowing you your full attention to deal with the uncertainty of the situation.

Truly, you cannot discover new oceans if you don’t have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Pushing the right buttons

 

I believe each person has ‘buttons’, that when pushed in the right (or wrong) way, would trigger an automatic response in them. These buttons could be anything, and is individual to each person. Some of these might not even have any meaning for other people (or even the person themselves), but are obviously loaded with weight. For example, a person’s low self-esteem would be easily triggered by any constructive remarks on his/ her performance. Or another example, a man’s innocent affection for another woman could lead to immediate jealousy in his partner.

Our minds are minds of association. So when we see, hear, smell, feel, taste or think something (’sense-object’), our minds immediately associate it with something we already know to give the sense-object meaning and relevance to our lives. Usually, the sense-object is then linked with our thoughts, feelings or memories, rightly or wrongly, with accuracy or crude mismatching. It is with this that habits are formed, and also the reason why it is so difficult to break habits as the association is so automatic.

Using the above example of someone with jealousy, even if she has acknowledged she is jealous (the insight probably came from reading my article - I hope!), next time she sees this other person and her partner together, she may still be thrown into the habits of her mind. Likewise, someone may be desperately trying to forget his partner, one song or scent could send him back into memorylane of the past relationship. (I used to use a particular ringtone with my ex-bf. After we broke up, I reverted that ringtone to be a common ringtone for all my calls. Needless to say it really confused me!)

Stress is another prime example. I have seen people who get so stressed out that even mentioning the word “exam” or asking them to do a “to do list” sends them into a mess of stress. To them, I say – read my article! From my last post on anger, racism obviously has meaning for me. Injustice and dishonesty is another trigger of mine, and spurs me on to obsessively right the wrongs.

So take a moment to reflect on the type of buttons you have and how you have reacted when they were pressed. Some react to a light touch of the button, others will have it pressed pretty hard before they react.

If you find you don’t particularly like the reactions you have when your buttons are pushed, be aware of that so next time it is pressed you can mindfully stop the automatic reactions spurring on. Instead of reacting, you can then respond with rationality and care instead. In time, the habit slowly disintegrates and you can then retrain the way you want to respond to different things.

You should also keep in mind that reactions don’t always have to be negative. Triggers can be used in a positive way to change the quality of your life. For example, meditators know that a feel deep, slow, breaths can immediately give them a sense of calmness, and allow them the time to step back and assess the situation more objectively. Another example, a smile (even fake ones) can uplift you – and others. A conscious relaxing of your tense muscles can destress you. Laughter is my best pick-me-up.

So if you want to wire up your button with another reaction, first be aware of that button and to halt the automatic process that follows when it is pressed. Replace that reaction with another positive or neutral reaction instead. For example, if the word “exam” stresses you out, then next time you hear it, consciously relax your muscles. If someone or something annoys you everytime you see them, then next time you see them smile and hold that smile in your heart. If you become aware of any harsh emotions, such as hatred, anger, jealously, selfishness – consciously LET IT GO and replace it with gentle kindness.

Eventually, you will find less buttons on you, and the few left will rust and unpressable.

Red-faced Anger

I don’t think I’ve blogged about the emotion anger before, and if I have, I’ve since forgotten.

There’s different levels of anger, and even more different manifestations of anger. There’s the explosive anger that manifests itself in assaults, domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse, and those crazy acts that feature on Utube so frequently.

Then there’s the anger that’s less expressive, buried inside as a muffled sense of haughty self-righteousness and/ or self-pity. This anger may lurk from its cave, spat out with bitter sarcasm, condescendence or rude indifference. Tied to this emotion is a wounded pride, and an attempt to regain what is lost by forceful retailation to assert again your sense of self-worth.

But what people don’t realise is that the victims of anger is not only the object of your anger, but the pepetrator as well. If people realise this, I think they will drop this anger like you would drop a burning coal from your palm.

I’ll share with you my experience today, if not for the lesson, at least for a laugh.

I was having a conversation over lunch about the Indonesian refugees coming into Australia. I didn’t feel like launching into my usual debate about the rights of refugees and migrants, so stayed silent. The conversaton culminated in some racist comments about migrants – such as the Chinese – effectively ‘diluting’ the white populations of Australia. Mind you, I was sitting right there, and these were supposedly my ‘friends’. So I got up and walked away, but the comments continued despite them knowing I was upset at this.

Now, I make it a point to never say anything out of anger, as that’s usually when I say something I will regret later on. So I took a walk outside to clear my head. Mind you, in the 38 degree heat – no shade either. I was so caught up in my anger, and trying to rid it, I didn’t even realise the heat until I had walked too far.

I was out there for 20 minutes or so, my angry thoughts driving me forward. At one point, about 10 mins into my walk, I seriously thought I was going to faint from the heat, or contract skin cancer along the way. That’s when I halted my running thoughts and took a look within. By then, I can’t even remember what I was angry about. I realised if I kept holding onto this anger, my body won’t be sizzling from the burning sun, but from within as well. With deliberate intention, I let go of this anger, the sense of self-righteousness, and negativity. I started to conjure up feelings of tenderness and kindness, softening the tension created by the grasps of anger. After all, the best antidote for anger is kindness, for the two can’t co-exist at the same time. By the end of my walk, my face wasn’t red with anger, but scorched from the sun!

Looking back, I can laugh at how silly I was in punishing my body and mind, thinking I was finding peace. But looking back, I can also see in an honest way how easy it is for our rationality and calmness to be taken over by the force of anger and negativity. There is a real rush and power in the feelings of anger, aggression and self-righteousness. Our ego is falsely elated, but inevitably crushed as the emotion wanes and we see the damage done on ourselves and/or other people. Once my anger waned and I was out of the situtation, I seriously didn’t care what other racist comments are made, for I know that is only the opinions of few. I don’t even know why I got so angry about in the first place.

Well at least now I have gained a new meditation-object. In future, if I am caught in the emotional tide of anger and hate again, I can simply imagine my red-sunburnt-face to bring mindfulness back to cool the fire inside.

Bored drone of life

This blog is inspired by the movie “Secret Window”. I’ve been watching it pass the half-way mark and now it’s running in the background as I write this blog. It is one of the most boring movies I have ever watched, and yet I don’t want to stop watching it because I keep hoping it will get to the point.

In fact, lately I have this pervasive daily boredom as I wait in anticipation for life to ‘get to the point’ and give me something new. It’s not that I need entertainment or excitement, just a higher meaning to what I’m currently doing.

The last time this happened I was studying for my uni exams, sitting there reading about something I had no interest in, trying to motivate myself to be interested in what I’m doing. Trying to ‘get to the point’, the end goal, the ‘anywhere but away from here’. Something to open my eyes to something different, beyond the superficial materialistic worldly ways.

Well, the twist in the “Secret Window” has just been revealed. And guess what? It’s the twist I had guessed 30 mins into the show. Nothing surprising, unfortunately.

Perhaps that’s how life is at the moment. Unsurprising, routine, day in and day out. Weekends give a bit of colour and variation, but not much. The twists that life give may shock those unprepared, but I’m so used to expecting the unexpected, the shock is hardly there.

On the one hand, this could be a blessing in disguise for it means that things are running its course without too many rollercoaster ups and downs. On the other hand, it may be a telling sign that I have lost the energetic inspiration and  motivation that I once had to use my life to contribute to a greater good. I really miss those times when I lay down at night after a long day of work with a smile on my lips and peace in my heart in knowing it was a day well-lived for the benefit of others and myself. I remember when I could be living 13 hour days, full of activity and hardship, and yet I would be full of energy because I drew strength from knowing each thought, speech and action was alturistic. Now, I am drained and mindless by the end of the day, and much less fulfilled.

As this year comes to an end, I reflect back on my year. I feel I have done a lot, seen a lot, learnt a lot, grown a lot…but I can’t think of any one thing that was important enough to remember this year by, unlike in previous years. Is this a sign of the turning dunes of age as life becomes less exciting as I have seen all that it can offer already? Is this a preview to the rest of my life? Or is this a result of watching  a depressingly boring movie like “Secret Window”?

Looking within, I’m looking for my light of passion, trying to discover again what makes me feel whole. Two things come up. The first is people. I have a real interest in the human condition, in the lives we all lead, and the commonalities as well as the unique differences between each and every one of us. I am most energised when I am around people, though I have to admit that I have become more of a recluse these days due to the mental drain I’m stuck in. Most importantly, I actually care about the welfare of others and I know I can go a long way to allieviate the seeds of unhappiness in others. I am particularly interested in developing deep and genuine connections with others, because I believe that is the real way to live among others.

The second is my own spiritual development. I believe the only way I can make a positive and lasting impact on others is through the positive energy, peace and kindness I cultivate within myself. Still a long-way to go! I have come to realise – and accept – that I don’t know myself at all. I get shocked by my follies, but also my strength and intelligence. (I know, shocks you too!)

I know meditation is very trendy at the moment, and a common misconception that it’s just a way to unwind and ‘get away from your problems and life’ for a while. It’s true that meditation develops calmness and alleviates stress, but that’s only the foundation stage. In fact, meditation properly practiced is when you come to understand the person you are, the elements that make up this ego, to see things are they really are. Meditation is not running away, but where you confront your problems, fears, false expectations, and the real you. It is investigative, not passive. It’s amazing how even the most intelligent people don’t really understand themselves nor know how to control their anger, greed and desires.

Another thing learnt in meditation is patience and acceptance. You learn to sit with whatever comes up – from physical pain in your legs to the emotional pain from memories or negative feelings. You learn to watch the rising and ceasing of these feelings and the accompanying thoughts, you learn to acknowledge their presence with an equanimous heart, and you learn to let it go naturally.

So this so-called boredom I’ve been feeling, it has been noted, acknowledged and slowly I can see it fading away. In fact, I have just made it the subject of inquiry for this blog entry! With interest in boredom, how can it remain?

I feel this blog entry is quite different to my other entries. It’s more personal, more reflective, more of a ramble without a structure. If you had read this in anticipation for me to get to a point, like me watching “Secret Window”, I won’t be giving you a twist to all of this, but will invite you to just sit for a while with your eyes closed, mind open, and take the time to understand someone you have neglected for so long – yourself.

Blog News

A new poem written by Tina Ng has been published: Tears on the Page (2009)

Acting as Anicca 1

So I took to the stage once again at the end of August at Bodhi Nite, held by Unibuds at UNSW.

This year, the theme explored is “Impermanence” – in short, everything is constantly in a state of flux, and our attachments to them to not change, to be ours forever, to provide us with security and stability, will inevitably fail and create suffering in our lives.

Playing the role of Ancica (which means “impermanence” in Pali, how appropriate), a PhD student going undercover as a cleaner for different social-class families and workplaces, it definitely tested my acting ability and fluidity to change quickly between the different roles.

The play begun with my voiceover filling the darkness, asking the audience, “They say you should live each day of your life, as if it’s your last. So if today was your last day, what would you do?”

Spotlights flashes onto me in theatre black, sitting on the steps of the stage, head in hands crying hysterically, “Oh it’s my last day! I’m dying, dying, dying!”

This last less than 10 seconds before my whole demeanor changes to address the audience firmly (like a PhD student!:

“That’s an example of a typical reaction to death. Death comes as a surprise to us, and we are shocked when it happens. We almost believe that death won’t happen to us, or at least, not now because it’s a little inconvenient to die just at this moment. We are constantly living in the future: we make plans months in advance, we work hard towards retirement, we save the best for last, and we never get around to telling mum we love her because we think there’s another day. Throughout my life, I have seen a lot. And tonight I will share with you what I have seen. Then you will know why I never take for granted anyone or any moment of my life, and why I can laugh even if today was my very last day.” (You can tell I wrote this with my infamous “threes” technique.)

We quickly move to the first story, written by Amy, about the trappings of romantic love and settled marriage life. The Act begins with the Groom and Celebrant onstage, waiting anxiously for the Bride to enter (as actors we know we were also waiting for something else!). The Bride enters (in my sister-in-law’s wedding dress I might add!) to the Wedding March and the first Bodhi Nite wedding happens. Fast-forward a bit and we realise that the couple that fell in love later spends the rest of their lives chasing those past moments when they fell in love. But if everything changes, what makes us think that our relationship shouldn’t transform as well? Some couples get so caught up in their own wants and needs, they forget their partner similarly has their wants and needs to. Unfortunately, there’s just too many times when we take loved ones for granted, because we think they will be with us forever.

The second story, written and directed by Aun (Podj), is about the attachment we have to material possessions, to prestige and pride. It shows the lesson an extremely rich family goes through when faced with losing $300M overnight. It shows how they are torn apart by their own selfish desires and inability to change their lifestyles to suit the reality before them. It shows how this conflict is finally resolved through the sacrifice of their son and the coming together of the family once and for all.

The third story is written by yours truly. Arrogant CEO Mr Bond and his bitchy secretary is shown at the brim of their success, but fired after the company decides that they need to cut costs due to the downturn in the economy – and Mr Bond and his whole IT department is a cost that can be cut and outsourced to India. Mr Bond soon finds himself on the streets as his world comes crumbling down. Anicca comes to the rescue and inspires him to look beyond his own suffering as a motivation to do something for others. She tells him that there are currently 668,000 unemployed Australias (I looked it up on Google!) and asks him to imagine his own suffering multiplied 668,000 times…for that is how Australia as a nation is feeling today. “Now, are you still too upset to care.” It certainly did the trick as Mr Bond then started campaigning for the rights of the unemployed, and set up a support network of unemployed persons who provided services to each other in a barter system. He instilled in them an ethos to be good workers, to be proud of their skills, and he inspired them to give back to the community in their own individual way, for that is what makes Australia a great nation.

Finally, Anicca takes to the lectern, where she finally reveals herself as an undercover cleaner doing her PhD thesis: “And so, after being an undercover cleaner for so many years, I have been able to see what others fail to see, and to be a part of so many lives that I otherwise wouldn’t have been invited to partake in. It is based on these first-hand experiences that I can now present my PHd thesis on “The Ebbs and Flows of Human Experience”.”

Just as I began with a monolgue, so I end with one (with music accompanying): “I began my thesis with one question – If today was my last day, what is the best way for me to live those last moments of my life? Would I still chase after the future? Would I still worry about the ‘little things’? Will I still hold onto the belief that there is something permanent that I can hold onto forever? After all, doesn’t everything come, it may stay, and doesn’t everything eventually fade away…”

The Finale Song then takes over as a way to complete the play. Lyrics available to view here.

As with each BN performance, I loved the experience and appreciate the opportunity to take to the stage enormously. We had a great cast, and in line with impermanence, I truly believe each and every castmember/ script-writer/ director/ coordinator came out a different actor – and person – because of this experience.

Playing as Anicca was an interesting experience and gave me greater insight into the fluid identity and roles we adopt in daily life. It gave me another experience of selflessness/ non-self, in which I will share in the next blog entry: “Acting as Anicca 2″!

Photos: Hongyuan Ang Guan & Cheng Hiang respectively

Blog News

A new poem written by Tina Ng has been published: Inflated like a Balloon (2009)

Befriending the Green-eyed Monster

When the Green-eyed monster of jealousy visits your heart, a sense of irrationality takes over. You may experience one of the following symptoms:

1. A fear that something you value is lost, or threatened to be lost (I’ll use relationships as an example because that’s a common example, but the same is applicable to anything you perceive as ‘yours’, e.g., a position at work or affection from family).
2. A lack of trust in your partner, whether its unfaithfulness or their love for you.
3. Anger at your partner’s real or imagined attention to others, and yearning that s/he shows you the same attention.
4. The need to control your partner as a way to secure their affections.
5. A dependence on their affections to smooth out your jealous anxieties.

It’s said that jealousy is the guardian of love, as without love one would not be jealous. In reality, however, jealous erodes the very foundation upon which love is built – trust. What follows from jealousy often include obsession, possessiveness, and anger. You may begin to build a story up from a warped interpretation of events around you, e.g., that your mate is cheating on you, and each time your partner shows affection for someone else, the significance of their actions is magnified, as does your suspicion and of course jealousy.

Now that we’ve established that this really is a monster we’re dealing with, let’s look to its cause.

The typical reaction of a jealous person is to place the blame of their jealousy on their partner. They may say, “If you didn’t have such a good relationship with him/ her, I won’t be jealous!” Actually, what they really means is “If we had a good relationship, there is no room for jealousy.”

Psychologist Steven Stosny puts it perfectly when he says, “The formula for jealousy is an insecure person times an insecure relationship.” After all, the seed of jealousy doesn’t exist in your partner, it exists in you and grows within you. Like a downward spiral, insecurity breeds insecurity, which in turn is exacerbated by the suspicious delusions of a jealous person. And as this person burdens upon his/ her partner their possessiveness or unfounded accusations, the relationship worsens, which only exacerbates their insecurity and jealousy.

So, how to get out of this spiral?

The trick is in refocusing your attention. Instead of trying to control the behaviour of your partner, control the jealousy within yourself. Instead of trying to get love from your partner, find that love for yourself within yourself. Instead of needing the affections of your partner to boost your self-esteem, boost your self-esteem by doing things that make you proud of yourself without the praise of others.

One tip is to not get caught up in the delusions and suspicions that are played out by the mind. Put an ending to the story and stop following the ‘clues’ to justify your jealousy. See the assumptions you have made, and think carefully whether you want to confront your partner about it. It could help if you voice them and your partner rationalises them for you, but if it becomes blaming accusations, then you will eventually drive your partner to despair.

As for those who are faced with a jealous partner, one of the most important things you need to remember is that they feel this way because they are feeling unloved. So take the time to nurture your relationship with them, and dispel whatever the insecurity they may be experiencing.

So there you go. Again, like many of my posts on the different tangles knotted in our heart and mind, the bottom line in resolving jealousy is love. A healthy self-esteem and self-appreciation is so important to our mental wellbeing, and proves to also be the remedy to ridding the Green-eyed monster. Yet like the other human emotions we experience from time to time, when jealousy visits, don’t just drive it away angrily. Acknowledge it, because it may be your mind’s way of telling you that it’s feeling unloved, insecure and losing a sense of self-worth. I am starting to think that just as the body gets sick as a way to tell us to stop and rest because we have been unkind to it, negative emotions such as jealousy and anger may also be the minds way of signalling to us its time to slow down and find our way back to our hearts again.

So perhaps the Green-eyed monster isn’t so fearful really, but can be befriended and used to remind ourselves that whatever we are wanting from the object of our jealousy, we can find that within ourselves also. We may not have what they have, nor be who they are, but what we do have we have and what we are is something we should cherish too.

So if the Green-eyed monster has made its home in your heart and mind, I wish you the clarity to see through the delusions of distrust, and the unconditional love to see that you are wonderful the way you are without the need for anything more.

Why difficult people exist (and shouldn’t be shot)

As a practising Buddhist, I’d like to think that I have kindness in my heart, goodness in my actions, and wisdom as my guide. I’d like to think I am someone who is loving, genuine, calm and…nice. I’d like to think that I bring happiness to those around me, and am a positive influence on those I meet. I’d like to think that I live each moment of my life with meaning and with right intentions.

But really, who am I kidding. I’m still an imperfect ordinary human.

This I knew, but I never really knew just how imperfect I am until recently when I was confronted by a real difficult person. This person really pushed my buttons in the worst way possible, is rude and obnoxious, unreasonable and immature. In short, she’s a bitch. All sorts of problems arise because of her behaviour, and these problems only compound the tension between this person and I.

Now I’m usually quite resilient to other people’s actions, and can see things from the other person’s perspective with great empathy. If someone upsets me once, twice, it’s ok. I can take it, shake it off.

But this time, the consistent bitchiness compounded with the fact that I have no idea why she treats me this way, has really challenged my dhamma practice. I can see quite clearly the anger and hurt that arises in me in response to her bitchiness, the frustration I have because there is nothing I can do that I haven’t already tried, and I think I am really starting to dislike her to the point where I can’t even muster compassion or genuine kindness towards her. It’s been such a long time since I’ve hated someone, I’ve since forgotten just how ugly this feeling really is and how difficult it truly is to send loving-kindness to someone you hate. Again, like other life experiences, this is truly a learning curve for me.

For the purposes of investigating this topic of difficult people, let’s dissect it objectively. Essentially I have found that a difficult person is difficult because s/he doesn’t conform to what we expect from him/her. We, of course, want people to accept us, to treat us with respect and kindness, to make life easier for us. However, this is not possible all the time, and therefore when they do not give us what we want, or expect, we then characterised these people as “difficult people”. In this way, they are not difficult as they are, they are difficult based on what our judgment of their actions are. We are the ones who label people as difficult, not themselves. So I guess the first answer to why difficult people exist is because of our perception: we see them as difficult.

Second explanation for why difficult people exist is because …  (drumroll!) they are our teachers and markers. Without this difficult person in my life, I would go on thinking that I am a kind person, and won’t have the motivation to expand my kindness. However, this difficult person has made me realise that anger, selfishness, pride, frustration and hatred are still emotions alive in my heart that I have yet to rid. This difficult person has tested me on my tolerance and compassion, and I have failed. This difficult person has challenged my comfort zone by pushing the boundaries, and now I am more aware of what makes me tick. So in that sense, I should be grateful for this difficult person, as without her, there would not be this dhamma realisation, nor the practice that follows from it.

I have always liked the following poem (which is also posted next to my bed), but now can truly relate to its meaning:

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,for they have reinforced your determination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you, for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you, for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you, for they have taught you to be independent.

Be grateful to those have hae made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those have have denounced you, for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Be grateful to those have have made you firm and resolute and helped your achievement.

So where to from here? It had crossed my mind to run away and not have to confront this difficult person again. However, no matter where I leave to, there will always be difficult people in my life. Not because there are a lot of difficult people out there, but because the defilements of my mind are still here. Until these are properly acknowledged and purified, difficult people would always have its place in my life, and peace will never settle in my mind.