L-O-V-E LOVE

Let’s talk about…LOVE. It’s the topic of the day these days for some reason. And i’ve actually been saying things that i’ve surprised myself too, so thought i’d share it here.

Let’s begin with feelings. Feelings can be of many kinds. It includes pleasant, unpleasant and neutral. Fundamental to these feelings is the fact that they are all impermanent (annica), non-self (anatta), and creates suffering (dukkha) – just like the body, just like everything in life.

And the ultimate pleasant feeling is love. True? Now there are different types of feelings that have been labelled love. On one level there is desire or lust. Desire often appears when we are craving for something to fulfill our needs. So inherent in desire is unsatisfactoriness. Now this desire isn’t static, but changes all the time (annica) and is outside of our control (anatta). You might hear people saying, “I fell in love” then a few months later, “I fell out of love”. Just like that. “It’s not you, it’s me.” See? Annica + Anatta = Dukkha.

Ok, so this makes me seem a little pessimistic about love. Not true. Understanding this can create a lot of freedom and joy. In relationships, we often fear and stress about how the other person feels about us, clinging to the hope that they will love us forever, ever minute of the day. There is a lot of ego grasping involved. But let’s face it, we can’t even love our family every minute of the day.

So once we realise that feelings come and go, we lessen the fear of losing the relationship. We spend more time enjoying the relationship, than maintaining it. We learn to enjoy the moment for what it is instead of clinging to the hope of having it in the future. Sort of like someone eating a cake while reaching out for the next slice without really tasting the bite in their mouth.

You might be wondering whether desire is love? Are they the same thing or different? I am obviously no expert at this, but from what i gather, desire has SELF as its centre, which is why the feelings are so whimsical and unsatisfactory. It is never enough because the ego is never satisfied.

Love, on the other hand, is unconditional (metta). It is when you put the other at the centre together with you. It isn’t about you or them first, but you both together first. If you put your partner first, that’s nice, but soon that will just wear either you or him/her out.

Part of this unconditional love is the fact that it is unconditional. Obviously. But that is much easier said than done. What does unconditional mean? It means to love without conditions. Without, “I love you IF…”. It is love regardless. It is love without future requirement. It is complete in and of itself in the present moment. There is no grasping or clinging involved because it is already enough at this moment. It is contentment, acceptance, and free. Without burdens, without stress or fear. Most importantly, without ego, pride, selfishness, or clinging. And without these, jealousy and bitterness will fade away as well.

Sounds good doesn’t it? Ok, now is this type of love also subject to anicca, anatta and dukkha? Again, i’m no expert. But this is my blog, so i’m gonna blab on. Actually, not everything in this world is subject to anicca, anatta and dukkha. Only “conditioned things” are subject to it.

Let us illustrate with an example. With desire, it may be conditioned on satisfying the ego. So if Boy shows affection to Girl and boosts her ego, then Girl is happy. But if Boy doesn’t show enough affection at the right time, then Girl might become insecure, and her desire for Boy might decrease accordingly. All elements of anicca, anatta and dukkha are present here.

Ok, now for unconditional love. If it is truly unconditional, then whether Boy shows affection to Girl or not will not affect the Girl’s confidence, and more importantly, her love for him. She will love him for who he is, rather than what he does.

Sound ok so far? Now the theory is over, the hard part.  Practice. Is it possible to love others (not just in romantic relationships) completely unconditionally? I’ve had glimpses of this, and it has been wonderful, but to maintain it requires a lot of spiritual development. At least i have learnt that the problem is not with the other person, but more of myself. More importantly, at least i have learnt that unconditional love is possible, and is an amazing energy beyond anything that feeling can be. Even just a glimpse of it can brighten my days, and inspire me to develop it more! It is truly a blessing, and a wonderous addition to my life!

Totality of Experience

Talk about an interesting life. Even my sickness is continuously changing! First week i had a common cold, which then evolved into a terrible cough the week after. Third week my facial muscles were attacked by viruses and now my fourth week i’ve got a fever and a whole new flu virus. Never a dull moment in my life it seems!

So there i was laying in bed with a fever last night. My whole body was cold and my head was heated. I haven’t had a fever since as long as i can remember, so i decided to make the most of the experience. So i opened myself up completely to the moment. Instead of trying to block out the pain or shift endlessly in search for a more comfortable posture, i decided to just let be and feel this natural state.

Often we see sickness as a lapse in normality, a time when things aren’t going well, as if the body is malfunctioning. But the body is inevitably prone to sickness, old age, and death. We are so caught up in comfort and pleasantness that sometimes we forget that it’s NORMAL to be sick, and more importantly, that the added mental suffering comes when we resist against this. When we moan about “Why me?” or “Why now?”. A better question to ask is, “Why why me?” Why are we taking this illness personally? It is normal; it just comes. The feeling of discomfort is here at this moment. That is all. Take yourself out of the equation and the pain will lessen; at least the mental affliction is absent.

Now all this might seem unreal. Is it possible that a change in perspective can change physical suffering? Well, last night when my head ached, i stayed with the feeling. I opened myself completely to the experience, to the moment, to feel what it feels like to have a headache. Surprisingly, the feeling disappeared after a while. And this was no ordinary headache. This was a painful, throbbing, and loud headache.

With the fading of the headache, came other discomfort and painful feelings around my body. So i stayed with each one and explored what each felt like. I realised that i had never felt pain as intimately as i did last night. I realised that previously pain was something I suppressed, and in doing so, I never really understood it. Actually, with mindfulness and gentle lovingkindness, the pain subsides very quietly. The racket comes from the banging of the mind, the insistent complaining and self-pity of our thoughts.

Another lesson i learnt from last night was an affirmation of the power of meditation. Through simply focussing on the breath (or abdomen at times when my nose was blocked), i was able to concentrate away from the pain for a moment, allowing me to disassociate my “self” from the immediacy of the pain. Then i can investigate the feeling without attributing it as mine.

For example, they say that it is easier for an outsider to see a situation more objectively than someone who is part of the problem. Likewise, if we can view this body and mind without the concept of self, of me and mine, then we can find more truthfulness in what we see and feel.

So, if you are feeling physical or mental dukkha, i wish you good health and wellbeing. May you be well and joyful. May you be strong and inspired by this experience to see the dhamma behind it. The greatest truth lies in challenges and times of hardship. Don’t just suffer, use this suffering as the catalyst for the shaping of your character!

Rupa anatta, rupa annica, rupa dukkha…

The body is nonself, the body is subject to continuous change, the body is unsubstantial and of the nature to create suffering…

From me

A bit quiet in this Blog lately, huh? I’ve been going full out with Bodhi Nite preperation. With 34 days to go, I’m finalising the script, recruiting actors and trying to get the show happening! On top of that, uni starts tomorrow and i’m still sick since three weeks ago.

Amazingly, my belly laughs are still here! I’m so excited for Bodhi Nite and the script has some classic jokes i want to pull off! The spirit of Unibuds is high, with everyone’s getting involved.

Life has given me many surprises this year, who knows what will be next? I’ve learnt to ride its waves, to trust it, even if i’m unsure where it’ll take me.

So believe in yourself, believe in goodness, believe in life, believe in purpose, and believe that belief turns to reality.

Today’s quote

Venerable Heng Sure:

“Love is free. That is not to be confused with free love.”

Inspirations of Sand

”To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.”

Blake, William [1757-1827] Auguries of Innocence Line 1

---

 
“Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time.”

Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth [1807-1882] A Psalm of Life Stanza 7

---

“Alas! poor duke, the task he undertakes
Is numbering sands and drinking oceans dry.”

Shakespeare, William [1564-1616] Richard II, II, ii

---

 “A grain of sand leads to the fall
of a mountain when the moment
has come for the mountain to fall.”

Ernest Renan

Bodhi Nite 2007

UNIBUDS Presents
The Invisible Grasp
“Clinging to me and mine is suffering”

Every year, UNIBUDS holds an anniversary celebration to share Buddhism through acting, singing, dancing, animations and Dhamma talks. This year, to celebrate the 27^th anniversary of UNIBUDS, our Bodhi Nite is titled “The Invisible Grasp” to explore the Buddhist concept of clinging, upadana. The event will be held at UNSW, on the 25^th of August from 6-10pm, which includes a vegetarian dinner. If you are interested, please approach myself or any committee members, or visit our website for more information.

Acts of kindness

As you can tell from all the entries about Sunnataram Forest Monastery and Unibuds’ Winter Retreat, this is where I just got back from. I would also like to share something from my experience. When i was organising last year’s retreat, i gave it my all because Sunnataram and Unibuds are the two pillars that supported me when i was going through the roughest time in my life. So i saw it as a gesture of gratitude.

Returning this year, i met with someone who thanked me for the retreat last year and told me how the retreat really changed her life and motivated her to practice Buddhism. I also met with another woman who thanked me for the words i spoke to her last retreat. Honestly, i can’t remember what i said and didn’t think too much of it at the time. But she said that it had really touched her heart and told me the journey she has had since last year.

Whatever you are doing, whoever you have touched, no matter how seemingly minor your actions, speech or thoughts can be, they do make an impact. With good intentions comes good results. So too, with unwholesome intentions, the fruits sour likewise.

The efforts we make now may not ripen in front of us, but I am sure we continuously contribute to each other’s lives and dhamma journeys. What a wonderful thought, huh? In fact, remembering our good karma is one form of meditation, because it arouses piti (joy) and metta (unconditional loving kindness).

So, may the good merits you have done guide you throughout the journey ahead!

My Rambling Quote

“Your karma stole my karma!

No wonder my attitude doesn’t like your attitude!”

Life Achievements?

What do you really hope to achieve in life? Read this story and you may find that what you are always hoping to achieve, you may be already have it. 

There was once an American businessman who was sitting by the beach in a small Mexican village. As he sat, he saw a Mexican fisherman rowing a small boat towards the shore and noticed that the fisherman has caught a quite number of big fishes that is known to be a delicacy.

The American was really impressed and ask the fisherman, “How long does it take you to catch so many fishes?”

The fisherman reply; “Oh, just a short while.”

“Then why don’t you stay longer at sea and you could catch even more?” The businessman was astonished.

The fisherman simply does not agree, “This is enough to feed my whole family,” he says.

The businessman then asked: “So, what do you do for the rest of the day then?”

The fisherman reply; “Well, I usually wake up early in the morning, go out to sea and catch a few fishes, then I would go back and play with my kids.

In the afternoon, I will take a nap with my wife, and evening comes, I will join my buddies in the village for a drink, we played guitar, sing and dance throughout the night. My day was ever so complete and carefree.”

The businessman does not agree with his way of life and offered a suggestion to the fisherman.

“I am a PhD holder graduated from Harvard University, specialises in business management. I could help you to become a more successful person. From now on, you have to spend more time at sea and try to catch as many fishes as possible. And when you have save enough money, you could buy a bigger boat and catch even more fishes. As you go on, you will be able to afford to buy more boats, recruit more fishermen and lead a team of your own. Soon you will be able to set-up your own company, your very own production plant for canned food and do direct selling to your distributors.At that time, you will have moved out of this village and to Mexico city, and then expand your operation to LA, and finally to New York city, where you can set-up your HQ to manage all your other branches.”

The fisherman asks, “So, how long would that take?”

The businessman reply: “About 15 to 20 years”

The fisherman continued, “And after that?”

The businessman laugh heartily, “After that, you can live like a king in your own house, and when the time is right, you can go public and float your shares in the Stock exchange, by then you will be rich, your income will be coming in by the millions!!”

The fisherman ask, “And after that?”

The businessman says “After that, you can finally retire, you can move to a house by the fishing village, wake up early in the morning and catch a few fishes, then return home to play with the kids, have a nice afternoon nap with your wife, and when evening comes, you can join your buddies for a drink, play the guitar, sing and dance throughout the night!!”

The fisherman was puzzled, “Isn’t that what I am doing now??”

So, what does one really hope to achieve in life, do we really need to work so hard in life ? What do you hope to accomplish in the end?

Pan’s Labyrinth

This is a beautiful movie! It got me in the first two minutes!

I love the stories within the story, the complex simplicity, and the intricate imagery.

The story begins with a fairy tale:

A long time ago in an underground land, where there are no lies or pain, there lived a princess who dreamt of the human world. She dreamt of blue skies, soft breeze and sunshine.

One day, eluding her keepers, the princess escaped. Once outside, the brightness blinded her and erased every trace of the past from her memory. She forgot who she was and where she came from. Her body suffered cold, sickness and pain. Eventually she died.

Her father, the King, always knew that the princess’ soul would return, perhaps in another body, in another place, at another time. And he would wait for her until he drew his last breath, until the world stopped turning.

How beautiful is that? And another story:

Many, many years ago in a sad, faraway land, there was an enormous mountain made of rough, black stone. At sunset, on top of that mountain, a rose blossomed every night that made whoever pluck it immortal.

But no one dared go near it because its thorns were full of lethal poison. The men talked amongst themselves about their fear of death and pain, but never about the promise of eternal life.

So every day, the rose wilted unable to bequeth its gift to anyone, forgotten and lost at the top of that cold, dark mountain, forever alone, until the end of time.

Then the movie cuts to a new scene of a character fixing his watch. Such great cinematography and a lovely analogy.

Watch it!

View the website.