How much is the self worth?

Every Bodhi Nite we have a theme. I feel as if life is a dhamma lesson and things happen which allows me to explore the theme more and more.

In 2004, it was about loving kindness, the same year i was taking care of my mum when she fell ill.  In 2005, it was about dependent origination and the interconnectedness of all. In 2006, it was on equanimity, and i learnt a lot about staying cool under pressure, as well as slowing down the swinging of the mind.

This year, the theme is clinging, and follows from last year’s theme quite well. Many events have happened so far which has allowed me to see the clinging nature of the mind, how it clings to different things, such as feelings of like and dislike, possessions, habits, familiarity and excitement, opportunities, etc etc. I have learnt how impermanence feels like because for once i have embraced it, instead of denying it.

I’d fallen sick and experienced the attachments to health and being able. I’ve had to say goodbye to some friends. I’ve recently been opened to many job offers and have had to be mindful my wishes don’t turn to expectations. I’ve had to be mindful of dealing with people and learning that i can’t please and help everyone, no matter how much i wish them to be happy. I’ve been reminiscing about the good times i’ve had in Unibuds and how after i graduate next year things will be different.

Now i’m faced with the ultimate attachment of all – SELF. The ‘me me me’ syndrome. The “I want to be acknowledged” syndrome. Not so much desiring praise, but more about being defensive in the face of criticism. I realised that sometimes when faced with blame, no matter how right we might think we are, seeing it from another perspective can show you something different. I have learnt that often I am not wrong, but I am not right either. Truth isn’t black or white, it just is.

I keep in mind how interconnected everything is. How I am here because of so many myrid causes and conditions operating. At those times, i feel i am part of something grander than myself, beyond right or wrong, beyond praise and blame, beyond comparison and relativeness.

In a world of competition and constant striving for the unattainable perfection, sometimes we can get lost in it all. We cling onto the mistakes we have done by brooding over them, without seeing all the right choices we have done which has led us to where we are now.

We start to lose compassion for those who are less fortunate than us, and become jealous for those who are better, instead of rejoicing with their good fortune with sympathetic joy. Without equanimity, we swing from one extreme to the other without realising this grasping nature of the mind. This is why it is the invisible grasp.

So I’m gonna use this opportunity to see how my mind clings to self. I speak about it all the time, and i have seen how the clinging works on the periphery, but never at the core. SELF. This is the time to really see what it is and what it means.

I have a wish to see in my dreams what self is. And wake to find, i am still dreaming.