The hurricane of low self-esteem

Like everything in life, self-esteem requires a healthy balance. If it is tilted towards one extreme, it can become arrogance. If tilted towards the other, it can drop to low self-esteem.

I am blessed to have so many friends open up their problems to me, and i do sympathise with them. With friends who are less confident, i show them a “mirror” so they can see what wonderful people they really are. Some people don’t realise they are special until they are told so, which is such a shame because they don’t develop their potential since they can’t see it in the first place. Others can’t develop because they take every advice as a critque about them. They may take these comments as criticisms attacking them personally instead of using it to better themselves. Low self-esteem can be a vicious cycle – a hurricane – a self-fulfilling prophesy.

To take an objective example, some students lack confidence in writing or speaking. When they recieve a low mark or comments to improve their work, they see this as evidence of their poor writing or speaking skills, or even intelligence. So next time when their is an assessment, they are less confident as before, and anxiety may drag their performance down. By taking constructive criticisms personally, the vicious cycle of low self-esteem turns into hurricanes.

In Buddhism, some use the analogy of a target. It’s like we all walk around holding targets, some bigger than others. Since we hold a target, we get hit by arrows of criticism (and praise). The Buddhist concept of non-self is when we learn to let go of the target, so we become unmoved by others’ criticism and praise. We see ourselves for who we are, and not from the point of view of others or our ego.

I know this is a sensitive issue for many, and i hope i don’t offend anyone in this blog. My analysis of this might be shallow and generalised too, but i hope that it sheds some perspective for those who are going through this, or helping someone out of it.

Just to wrap up, another way out of low self-esteem is metta (loving-kindness) meditation to yourself and those around you. We spend the most time with ourselves more than anyone else, and yet, some find it so difficult to care and love for themselves in the same way they do for others. Remember, you also have a lot to give, and you have potential.

Believe it or not, you need and deserve love too.

Sensitive about the Sensitive

I don’t know whether it’s exam stress or what, but there seems to be a lot of sensitive people around me lately. Some analyse every word i say, every move i make, and even ever whince of mine (true!). They find meaning when none was intended, and heighten everything that happens in their life. It makes me extremely cautious and i just don’t know what to say to them. I don’t feel comfortable around them because i have to analyse everything i say from their perspective in case i somehow hurt them. And i end up hurting them anyways! Sometimes when i know i am not mindful or have my own stress, i actually avoid these people if i can, or if i can’t i would say or do very little. It seems this is the best way i can deal with them.

This blog isn’t really aimed at anyone (for those who are getting sensitive and thinking it’s about them!) because i think most of us get sensitive from time to time – me included. But the point is, without being mindful of that it can be something that pushes people away or causes unhappiness in yourself and others.

From my experience, whenever i am mindful of my sensitivity, i am able to shrug my shoulders easier and let go of whatever is bothering me. I see things from the speaker or actor’s perspective and realise – wow – that’s not what they meant at all. It’s all concocted from my own untrained mind. Thinking thus, i can let go of my delusion and embrace the reality that is not filtered and distorted by my own anxieties and defilements.

In short – meditate and find peace. Understand the workings of the mind, but do not get caught in it.

Happiness

Happiness has been commodified, packaged and postponed into the far-reaching distance. We can be happy, they say, once we buy this, get that, leave this, do that, say this, forget that. But happiness isn’t something that exists in a tomorrow that never comes, nor is it something that exists in a world beyond our reach. It is here, right here and now. It exists in contentment, appreciation and gratitude for all the things we have, not a distain for all the things we don’t have. It may require seeing things from a different point of view, living life in a slightly different way, and turning all the negatives to positives. I have many friends who see only glimpses of happiness now and then, here and there, but never truly embracing it. Some are lost as to where to find it. Some almost fear it. Some are sceptical. Some are so used to darkness they no longer remember what light looks like. Some are so used to harshness they have forgotten that softness exists.

Sometimes happiness can be an illusion, especially when it is based on materialism and selfishness. But there is a happiness that is real and from the heart, that is not dependent on anything but a mind of peace and contentment. I hope you find and live this happiness, in whatever form it comes to you in.

Drought

There is this friend of mine who i care about dearly, but who really drains me again and again. You ever have that? Like someone is sucking all the energy from you. Like a leech. Like no matter how much you give it’s never enough. Someone who takes and takes, but who doesn’t give in return. Someone who is so dependent on you that if you left, they will fall apart. Sometimes i feel that the sea of compassion would run dry. Perhaps it’s time to stop and build up the reserves again.

Otherwise the drought may come.

Stolen

I’m in a bit of a shock at the moment. I just had my wallet stolen.  It’s the anti-wallet karma coming to get me because someone tried to snatch my bag in Phnom Penh on a motorbike but missed, but this time in the comfy surrounds of UNSW’s law faculty, they succeeded. In a way i’m frustrated because i had let my guard down; my bag was in the seat next to me, and i was so focussed on my work i didn’t realise someone took it out. A bit ironic really, because when i was in Phnom Penh, many people were saying how dangerous Phnom Penh was and what a haven Sydney is.

It took me a good half a hour to come to terms with the fact that my wallet was stolen. I walked to my car to check, called home, looked around the library. Still i had a faint hope it might turn up. Even when i was calling the police to file a theft report, and calling my bank to cancel my cards, i still had a feeling deep down that all this was useless work and my wallet would magically appear in front of me sooner or later.

My mind would flash back to the last time i held my wallet, where i had put it, what had happened that could possibly let the crime take place. My mind would wonder how i could have done things differently, how i could have avoided this, and how such a small error on my part can bring such unproportionate results. There was a quick flash of anger too at how someone would do something like this, and how blinding greed can be to common respect for others and their property. I kept thinking how that money could have been used for something better, especially after i had come back from amongst the poverty of Cambodia. Then i just went through a period of numbness, like me now, sitting here thinking i can turn this event into something positive. Maybe there is a lesson in this. Maybe there is insight waiting to be seen. Or maybe this is mere illusory positivity.

One thing i can see though, i have gone through the common emotional stages of someone facing loss, whether it be a lost relationship, opportunity or possession. I’m no psychologist, so i’m not sure how the sequence goes. But from this experience, it seems to involve denial, hope, anger and numbness. All within one hour! I think these negative feelings could have been prolonged, but luckily i have tried to be as mindful as possible to bring myself back to equanimity.

These feelings i have felt before. Like a cycle that returns again and again everytime it is triggered by a similar event. Perhaps most of our emotional responses are the same, where our mind is like a keyboard in which an event presses down on a key to write the stories of our lives. It makes me wonder whether it is the keyboard or the pressor that is writing the story, and i think that neither is. If human experience is felt through the channeling of emotional patterns , it is no wonder that our habits become so strong, and our personality so ingrained.

So how can we break the mold and start to live a reality that is not coded by experience and patterns? Perhaps recognising these habits and learning to live a life that does not follow them unmindfully. Hopefully next time when i do lose something, i can react differently. For a life of gains is bound to have losses. Often when we are going through a difficulty, our whole world revolves around it. We might forget the bigger picture, the common human suffering, and think that we are the ultimate victims of nature’s scheme. Problems can happen on every level, but what turns it into a catastrophe often depends on the turnings of the mind.

Thanks for listening, i feel this has been a good spurge. I’m almost thankful for this experience now because it’s another leap i’ve had to take. Or is this back to square one denial?!

This in no way condones stealing, because to take what is not given is a seed for suffering. Overcome greed and selfishness!