Straight from Phra Mick

Controlling that

which cannot be controlled

is suffering.

Guilty Pleasures

Some people feel upset when they don’t get what they want. Others actually feel guilty for the things that they have! Ever feel you don’t deserve all the incredible opportunities you might be experiencing? A friend of mine did recently, so this blog’s for her:

Do you deserve it?

Yes you deserve it. Change your perspective from the unproductive emotion of guilt to a productive one of gratitude. If you wish to repay all of this to life with gratitude, then enjoy every single moment, don’t even let a moment of unproductive emotions, like guilt or worry, corrupt the significance of each moment. Use this experience to allow you to become a changed person with a greater worldview so you can be a better person who can do better things for the betterment of all.

Yet even if these negative emotions or any grasping arise, just let them be.

No need to worry about worry,

no need to feel guilty about guilt.

Just watch them come and go. They come because we invite them out of habit. Be aware of this habit more, then it will go away on its own. Once aware, they won’t bother you anymore.

Truth

Even if you are away from dhamma,

dhamma is never away from you

Seeking refuge

When I was a little girl (a while ago now), I ran to mum when I was unhappy or afraid. She was my refuge, my protection, my guide, my light, my source of happiness and love. As I grew up, there were more and more things that I was dealing with that my mother couldn’t help me with. I still remember my shock when i realised i couldn’t run to my mum anymore.

So what did i do? I sought refuge in my friends. I am incredibly lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends. But I also realised that they couldn’t provide me with the solutions to all my problems.

So then what? I sought refuge in religion and spirituality – in the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha. That took me a long way, and helped shape who i am. But guess what? It only took me so far.

My family, my friends, and the Triple Gems, are the pillars in my life. Without them, i would not be who i am and i would not have come so far. I seek refuge in them, as they provide me inspiration, guidance and support.

Yet, at the end of the day, inspiration, guidance and support only go so far. What use is wise guidance or an inspiring dhamma talk if we don’t practice it?
We often search for truth, happiness and love in other people or other things. Yet dhamma is within us already, it only needs the right conditions to bring the seeds to blossom. How many times have you heard someone say something profound and think, “I knew that, but i just needed to hear it.”

In summary:

Never forget the pillars in your life, but make sure you are your own house.

Have faith in yourself, so you can have faith in life.

Habit

We all have habits because we are creatures of routine.

However, how enslaved we are by our habits depends on how aware we are of them, and how skillful we are in dealing with them.

The most obvious ones are addictions (like smoking, gambling, etc) because they are at a noticeable extreme. Then there are the neutral and everyday habits, which perform as operative and aiding functions. For example, our morning routine might consist of waking, snoozing the alarm, rolling over, hitting the alarm again, dragging yourself out of bed, brush your teeth, breakfast, get changed, etc… These aren’t bad habits, they are just there because it is convenient to do it that way.

In fact, how i see it, habits themselves are not “bad” or harmful. They can be very useful. I think the harm comes when we become attached to them, which can make us inflexible, stubborn, improperly dependent and disappointed or angry if the environment around us does not suit our habitual tendencies. Attachment to unproductive or harmful habits can also create many problems in our lives.

This leads me to my third categorisation of habits: the internal ones. Internal habits comprises of our thoughts, feelings, memory, and sensory perceptions. Most people are not aware of their internal patterns, and unmindfully reinforce negative habits.

A common example I’ve observed is people who are extremely critical of themselves and other people. Their mind is used to thinking a certain way. They continuously ask themselves (and ask me), “Did i do or say the right thing?” “What do you think of me?” They judge themselves according to other’s praise and blame or to their self-perception of themselves, and their self-esteem fluctuates accordingly.

I think it is important to reflect on the person we are, and listen to what other people have to say about us in order for us to develop into better people. But what i have noticed is how sometimes what I do and say can be (mis)interpreted in a completely different way by the other person depending on how they are thinking and feeling! For someone who is habitually self-critical will take offence very easily, and interpret neutral or even well-meaning things as a critique of themselves.

The conditions becomes the source of further conditioning. In time, these habits come to define our personality and identity. For example, people who are very self-critical may adopt a perfectionistic and judgmental attitude, which can make their self-criticisms extend to criticising others as well. If they are successful, they may become arrogant or egotistic, but if they are confronted by failure, they may become much more susceptible to being depressed, and may become very timid. This is one general example only, people exist in so many ways.

Once aware of our negative habits, the next course of action should be to change or stop them right? My personal approach is always gentleness (especially with sensitive things like the mind). If we go in there and change habits with force, it is very difficult. It does not go to the heart of the problem. You can lock a drug addict in a room and take away the drugs, but it does not stop the habitual cravings from arising. You can suppress thoughts, feelings and memories that you don’t like, but that doesn’t stop them from coming.

Rather, if we take away the conditions that lead to them arising, then we get to the root of the problem. This comes from acknowledging, confronting and truly understanding the cause of the habit. It comes from planting the seeds for the positive habits to grow in place of the negative. Anger in an angry person can be triggered very easily. But by embracing more love, patience, tolerance and forgiveness, the habits will dissolve slowly. Although it takes a long time, the effects are long-lasting.

Likewise, someone who is experiencing guilt should also practice forgiveness. I remember one time i felt really guilty for something very minor. Since it was so minor i didn’t pay much attention to it and it just grew within me. It was only when i acknowledged it and truly forgave myself that I was able to move on from it. And it was an incredible feeling! Like a big weight was lifted from my heart. Saying sorry to someone who you had wronged takes a lot of courage and humilty, but i always believe it is a way to build your positive character and allow you to move on.

Change takes time. In the meantime, be patient with yourself. Be patient for the changes to come, for the seeds to grow and the fruits to ripen.

Quotes of the Day

Everything is teaching us. – Ajahn Chah

Additions

Everything is teaching us, if we are open to it.

Everything is teaching us, whether we know it or not.

– Ajahn Sumedho

Dhamma via SMS

Phra Mick’s still on the road and has sms’d his dhamma to put onto ths website. He says:

The mind…
a million times a day…
rising, concocting, and falling.
In other words, “Highly dis-easing,
untrustworthy, constantly struggling,
undependable, suffering and above all…

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Heavy.”

A request

Phra Mick’s on the road, but still has his eye on this site. He’s requested this to be posted up, and i happily oblige. He says:

“Only through inflicting wounds upon each other can our emotions be conveyed.

With no way of peace… some will die quickly.

Kindness becomes a shield, strength becomes a sword.

If you know what pain truely is… all your powers will awaken!

To confuse, to worry… darkness will surely be.

To embrace, to love… the time to scream will come.

Amidst sorrow, amidst hope… the meaning of life is recalled.

For you… and you alone, the time begins now.”

The meaning of having

Some define having as possessing something to call your own. It is often associated as a good thing. We spend a lot of our time trying to have, to possess, to get more and more and more. But there are many times when having and not having is a fine line. Put another way, life is so unpredictable that sometimes gains are losses, and losses are gains. At the end of the day, it seems that losses and gains are all illusory anyway. Best to give some examples.

Career: we work so hard to study, get good marks, and get a job. But how many people with jobs just complain and reminisce about the good times studying?

Relationships: when you don’t have it, you want it. When you have it, you don’t want it. Then you don’t have it again, and so want it all over again!

Possessions: the more we have, the more we have to lose, and therefore the more complicated and stressful our lives can be. The more famous you are, the more protective you are of your reputation. The more things you have, the more insurance you need to take out.

These are just rough examples.  I’m not advocating we shouldn’t have a career, relationships or posessions, but i do believe that a right attitude towards these things brings about a lot more understanding and happiness. Sometimes simplicity can really be a source of happiness because it is the root of contentment. Sometimes being reminded that having and not having is not as simple as it seems can shed a lot of light on a situation we are in. Sometimes letting go may actually be what makes your life full and fulfilled.

Life update

It’s been a while since i’ve written because life has taken a new turn for me and i’m walking down an unfamiliar path. I’ve worked for many years getting to where i am now, but it is not what i had imagined. Seems like my life is so full of anti-climaxes. I work so hard to be somewhere else, to be somebody else, to have something else, and then when i get there, i look around, and think, is that it?

Life has taught me many lessons, including the one about disappointment inevitably following expectations. I have come to be much more content with what i have, without setting up bubbles of expectations that will just burst in my face. And yet, one of the greatest and most invisible expectations that i have set up has now materialised in front of me like a mirage: the expectations i have placed on myself to make something of my life.

Here’s the dilemma: i believe that it is important to have a goal in life, that it is good to strive, especially to strive to better the lives of ourselves and those around us. Despite the nobility of such a goal, if we are unmindful, it can turn into an expectation burdened upon us, a duty that we must fulfil. And when our lives do not satisfy this expectation, well, we may begin to question the meaningfulness of our lives.

At the moment, i feel i stand at a crossroad. I have travelled to this point for so long, endured many steep mountains and rocky grounds. After so much hardships, i feel that to walk back or to take another road is so difficult. The road in front seems most plausible, but i’ve begun to question it as well. What if i continue along this path, then one day realise i have been walking the wrong way all along? To turn back then or to start a new road would be much harder for sure.

Some may say, just keep walking and find out, for that is the only way to know. Others may say, that all the roads are the same, for it is the journey that matters and not the destination. Others still may argue that actually there are no roads, and it is only by walking that we create these roads. Some may say, just stop; why walk when the present moment is just as complete as the next? Some may advise to look for road signs, use a map, or ask someone. Some others may just shrug and say what a crappy analogy.

For me for now, i find some truth in all of these (especially the last one), because every path is different, and every part of every path is different. I also hold a lot of faith in life and trust that with every step that walks out of good intentions, miracles will happen, and lotuses can bloom from beneath our feet.

Note: When the Buddha was born, it is said that he walked seven steps and lotuses bloomed under each of his steps. These seven steps are to represent the seven factors of Enlightenment (Pali – bojjhangas) which are: mindfulness (sati), investigation (dhamma vicaya), energy (viriya), joy (piti), tranquility (passaddhi), concentration (samadhi), and equanimity (upekkha).