Will you “promise” me?

A friend of mine (yes, my friends really are the source of my blog’s inspiration!) now has a Promise Ring on her finger.

So what is a Promise Ring? It’s not yet a wedding ring, but definitely more than a friendship ring. It’s a ring to symbolise the guy cares about you enough to show you’re more than friends, but not enough to marry you. Well isn’t that nice to know.

Cynics might say that it’s another marketing ploy. Male-ists (my new word) might say it’s just another way women are getting their man to “waste” money on them. Those romantically-challenged might say it’s another way to hook the girl/boy in, but without the full-time commitment.

I just find it interesting because it’s adding another level in the relationship game. A long time ago, during the Nintendo days of Tetris, we had friendship, dating, and then marriage. A very natural progression of human intimacy. A bit before that we had friendship and then very quickly marriage. And a lot of bits before that we had strangers and then extremely quickly, arranged marriage (so quickly in fact there wasn’t even enough time to ask the woman first!). I guess people’s life-expectancy were quite low then and so they felt they needed to speed things up a bit.

Anywho, we now have the following stages in which couples often go through (or more, i just can’t think of them):

1. Strangers stage
2. Acquaintances stage
3. One-nighter stage (this step is optional)
4. Hi-bye stage
5. SMS-first stage
6. OMG-he-called stage
7. Trial-date stage
8. Friends-with-benefits stage
9. “Seeing each other” stage
10. Dating stage
11. Boyfriend/girlfriend stage (first sign of possible commitment, maybe…)
12. Moving-in stage
13. Moving-out stage (repeat stages 12 and 13 a few times)
14. Settling-in stage
15. De facto relationship stage
16. Knocked-up stage (optional, definitely not encouraged!)
17. Marriage stage
18. (Not finished!) Divorce stage
19. Re-marriage stage
20. Happily ever after stage (achieved by watching Shrek 1-3)

Now we can add the “Promise-Ring stage” to all of this as well! It’s a wonder we get together at all! I don’t know where to fit it though. Maybe after Stage 11 or Stage 14?

Now obviously these stages don’t apply to everyone. Some want to rock the boat ASAP. Nonetheless, there are lots of people who still wanna flow on the river of non-commitment and look for better shores.

I’m a hopeless romantic, i confess. I still think commitment comes from your love for someone, rather than because you had a ceremony that costed a fortune or because of a “you’re-more-than-a-friend” ring, or a “I-love-you-but-I-love-my-life-more” ring. And that comes down to whether you and your partner are ready for it. And if the answer’s no, that’s ok. Enjoy the moment because the next stage isn’t necessarily a better stage if you’re not ready for it.

One good thing about Promise Rings though, is you get to define the rules cos it’s still a new thing. You can put it on her finger, look lovingly into her eyes and say, “Darling, this shows my commitment to you…now you show your commitment to me and do the washing, cooking, cleaning, and be a Feminist and bring the bread home too!”

And you can do it all without getting down on bended knee.

Working on Life

A very good friend of mine, one of my non-biological brothers in this world, sent me an email today asking me:

“How are you my sis? Have u changed the world, or has the world changed u?”

His question hit my life right on, because it’s the question I’ve been contemplating for months now. This blog entry is dedicated to him.

Since graduating, I’ve ventured out there into the big big world. I began with a happy and inspired heart to make a small and humble difference in this world.

But after months of trying to fit into the work culture, trying to be a professional, trying to live up to the expectations of those in my profession, I suddenly found myself trying to be like everyone else. All of a sudden, I look around, look at myself, and realise I’ve become a rat in the rat race. (Nothing to do with my Chinese zodiac, by the way.)

I still have moments when I glimpse the memory of when I wanted to do things with my life, when I wanted to create positive change. But those are shadowed quickly and seamlessly by the tasks that are demanded of me.

I truly believe that there are many people who start our their careers with good intentions. Some find the courage to walk the path of charity and good will. Others find a way to incorporate that into the work that they are doing. But many just walk away.

The ways of the world is all around us, an invisible cloak that bears down upon us. In many ways, we know it’s there and we feel the pressure. We work within it, we even uphold and justify it, because it is what allows us to fit in with the rest of the people and it gives us certainty amongst chaos. We know that from Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm (longer, really) I will be at work and you will be at work. I know that I and you will be productive (hopefully) and produce something to fuel this society.

Now what’s wrong with that you say? Don’t we need someone to farm the farm, to drive the buses and to keep the world spinning?

Well, for one, the world does not spin on money or anything artificially constructed by humans. That’s a bit too arrogant on our part. The world as it is, is just as it is. We just complicate things.

Secondly, and more importantly, the invisible cloak of efficiency and productivity changes the way we live and assess our life, and those around us. For example, how many of us must “do”, rather than just “be”? How many of us calculate the time we spend doing something, or feel a need to justify it as productive? How many of us feel guilty for enjoying a moment of relaxation (without reasoning that the time spent relaxing is proportionate to how more efficient we will be later on?) How many of us chase for the future, rather than appreciating what we already have achieved and gained with contentment?

Have we forgotten that life is to be lived, rather than to be used? That the most complete and beautiful things are those that are unconditioned and without measure? That work is to be a means to an ends, and not the ends itself? That the people around us are by far more important than what we can get out of them?

Some things to think about:

• You work full-time, and live part-time.
• You spend a large proportion of your life working. Whatever mentality your profession or work culture adopts, it can influence you enormously. Be mindful and reflect on whether you want to be that kind of person.
• You spend most of your life working, but at the end of your life, it’s the other times that counts. I can’t imagine anyone on their death beds wishing they had made that extra business deal, or been promoted faster. They are more likely, I think, to have wished they spent a little more time with the people they cared about, or had gone and seen the world, or enjoyed the moments more.
• You spend more time with the people at work, than the people at home. Yet you know the least about the people at work, and often see them as tools rather than people. Why? Because the relationships at work are kept at a distance, and that distance is named “professional networks”.

Does that mean we should all just give up our jobs? Nah.

Though thinking about these things can help to put things into perspective. It can encourage you to make the most of your career to be more enriching and to reach your dreams, whatever they may be (whether it’s saving the world or paying off the mortgage). Sometimes we get too comfortable in the job that we are doing. We lose that initial inspiration and courage to be the change we want to see. It’s so much easier just riding the waves and running alongside the other rats.

Try this: Look at the most successful person in your workplace, or even profession. Imagine if you are them. Will you be happier then? The reasons you give for your answer is valuable insight into your personality, priorities, goals and situation.

You can also consider the way you work, the way you live, and how you balance the two. No matter at work or home, there is an opportunity in every moment to develop yourself into a better person. That in itself is enough to create that positive change.

When you are at work, give it all you’ve got and be a good employer/employee. When you’re at home, with your friends, or even taking time off by yourself, make the most of that and give it all you’ve got too.

Be a good person, and enjoy life in all its moments.

And yes, you do deserve it.

Peace through Love

Humans have spent millenniums trying to make the world a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race – Buddha, Jesus, Ghandi, and even Michael Jackson sung about it before he melted. 

We try so many different ways. Advancement in technology, science, medicine, philosophy, law, politics, economics, and so forth. We impose structures and conditions upon each other and ourselves to create order amongst the constant threat of chaos. A delicate balance of good and evil, and all that lies in between. Suppressing instinct and personality for the greater good of conformity, without realising exactly what this instinct and personality is and how it works. We have theories and counter-theories, arguments and counterarguments. And at the end of the day, humans are still the same as they were previously – discontent. The only thing that has changed is the form of that discontent has become more complex.

The cave men were forever hungry. We have the convenience of food delivered to our mouths whether we are hungry or not. Yet we are still unsatisfied, still discontent and unhappy, still feeling a lack in our lives we can’t quite comprehend or satisfy.

Yet we try. We satisfy ourselves through materialism, accumulation, success, and egoism. Yet none of these give lasting happiness. Upon reaching our perceived goal where happiness is, the goal disappears and a new one replaces it so quickly you might not even realise it.

Society is the same. Society evolves. New outlives the old. Structures change. Revolutions happen. People kill. People die. People cry. People hope. People build. People divide. People fall. People kill. And it all starts again.

Communism, socialism, monarchy, democracy, and even anarchy, all form and rise from an ideal that happiness exists through changing the social systems that undermine the social fabric. We debate a lot about which form is the most appropriate, and we argue even more about how the current one doesn’t work. We blame it on structure – if we change the system, if people can see how crap the system is, maybe then, happiness will be here.

Once upon a time, I thought so too. Change the system to change the world. Little person, but big changes. Now? I see that as little person, Big Ego, no changes. Why?

Because the downfall of all these social systems of government lies not in the system itself, but in the people that comprises it. In a way, it is easier to look at society from afar, distance ourselves from it, and point at it and say, “This system is making me unhappy.” Yet we forget, that we too are part of this world, and we are redirecting the blame to society because it is easier that way. After all, it takes a lot of strength and insight to see that the real reason for the unhappiness in our world lies in…you. Not other people. You.

Communism and socialism didn’t work because of greed and selfishness; monarchy and democracy didn’t work because of pride and self-centredness; and anarchy didn’t work because of hate and anger. Simplistic, I know. But at the end of the day, society is comprised of humans, and the human heart is imperfect, unknown, and very unpredictable.

Don’t despair. If the cause of unhappiness lies in you, then happiness must also lie in you. You are responsible for your own happiness. This can either stress you out, or it can inspire you to realise that you actually have the power to make positive changes to this world and to your life right now, right here. Happiness is not contingent on the world being a happier place, nor on poverty being completely eradicated or depression lifted. These things are important, for sure. Material comfort must be met to a certain extent before spiritual practice can be sustained.

Yet if we live our lives depressed at the depressing situation of the world, then aren’t we contributing to that depression? If we are unhappy, we might feel like a martyr, but does that really make things better? And is intellectual complaining (i.e., philosophical criticism) really the way to make the world a better place?

Let’s remember that humans have spent millenniums trying to make the world a better place, and even though it’s important to be aware of the problems that exist, we should also be grateful for that effort, and be thankful and content with all that we have, and the problems that we don’t have. A world with more joy is much better than a world of dark bitterness.

I have come to see that the greatest gift I can give to this world is not changing the superficial structures that govern the human heart. Change, I believe, begin and end in the human heart, not through external imposition on it. What’s more, this change is a gentle movement through personal interaction with the people around you, rather than a revolution forced upon a whole populace of unique strangers with different needs and wants. The change may be lesser in scale, but I believe it leaves a mark in the human heart that is more profound and enriching.

This interaction is not just an exchange of ideas through the mind, but also a transference of positive energy from an openness of the heart. There is no competition, no force, no egoistic viewpoint, no judgment nor attachment. Just a genuineness of two people sharing a common experience of what it means to be human and an individual. More importantly, it is an experience that leaves both feeling uplifted and inspired, encouraged to journey on, to see the world in a positive way, and to see the possibilities and goodness that exists in every moment.

What’s in a Name

I love the Pali language. There’s something very sacred and powerful about the words. It gives chanting a deep spirituality that is beyond just repeating a few random words. It carries a special energy that isn’t limited by language. That’s why it’s so important to read the Buddhist texts in its original Pali or Sanskrit language, instead of just translations. It’s going back to the roots, reaching closer to what was spoken by the Buddha. Perhaps it’s because I don’t speak or understand Pali, the words aren’t loaded with connotations the way the English or Chinese language is for me. It allows me to understand the words through intuition, yielding the meaning through experience, rather than thought and conditioned learning.

So…Pali is cool.

In fact, it’s so cool, I’m meeting people whose parents named their children with Pali words. There’s the two brothers, Viriya and Ariya, meaning “effort” and “Noble Truth” respectively. I also met a girl called “Samadhi” which means “deep concentration”. She told me that her mother was not religious, but named her “Samadhi” after her best friend, who was a Buddhist. Samadhi grew up without much spiritual leanings, but her name soon sparked her curiosity. She attended a Buddhist talk and learnt meditation. Sure enough, she is now a devout Buddhist, finding calmness from within through meditation, and I guess in a way, she’s really living up to her name!

This story is quite an inspiration to me. I think if I ever have kids I will call one Karuna (“compassion”), one Mudita (“altruistic joy”) and one John. John will have the most common name of the three, but also the odd one out. If John successfully grows up less confused, he has proved his worth and can go by the name Prajna (“wisdom”).

They say birth is suffering, so let’s put some fun into it!