“In the confrontation between

the stream and the rock,

the stream always wins –

not by strength

but by perseverance.”

– H. Jackson Brown

Love ain’t blind

The first few months of a relationship is what people call the “honeymoon period”. This is when you spend every minute of every day seeing, talking, or even just thinking of Your Significant Other (“YSO”)…or so they say.

Other symptoms include walking around with a smile on your face just thinking of YSO (until you hit a pole), saving all the SMS you receive and sent to YSO (some girls even document it all!), making a great effort to please YSO and thinking YSO is close to perfect in all kinds of ways.

Some people have these symptoms for a good few months, while others get over it in the first three days (keep in mind that they can recur, however).

Everything is rosy – you think you’ve finally found the one, who cares and understands you in every way.

Then it happens. One day, you’re sitting there having a regular meal, or a regular chat on the phone, or regular stroll down the street with YSO…and s/he says/does/thinks/otherwise acts in a way that annoys/upsets/offends/confuses/plainpissesyouoff you in a very deep way.

You shrug it off.

Another day, same thing. Shrug it off.

Without tending to it, like a seed it grows, like a weed it tarnishes the whole garden bed. Your bed of roses turns to thorns.

It seems the longer the relationship, the more reasons you have to be annoyed at each other!

A Chinese proverb proclaims:

“Understanding brings people together;

understanding makes them fall apart.”

You are initially attracted to someone because you understand them, and they understand you. You share common views, values and are compatible. But the more you understand someone, the more these initial views, values and compatibility are challenged.

So what does all this mean? Have we a cause to despair?

I believe relationships – like other areas of life – are filled with bumps and roundabouts. We do our best, be true to YSO, but at the end of the day, don’t forget to be true to yourself, because you are the significant NON-other.

Be courageous to see life for what it is, including all its roses and thorns. Never cling onto what you have for fear of never regaining the same, because I can tell you that you will never get the same thing again, but you will get something different for better or worse.

However, don’t fall to the other extreme. Don’t be too pessimistic and give up without trying. Honeymoon period is for the initial butter-up, but the real test of love is when you can both ride on the road over the bumps and dead-ends…and to do it together. I think that’s when the bed of roses become nourishing vege-patches!

Check out this article from Psychology Today on how to follow your heart without losing your mind.

IM-permanence

See as if you are not there;

Listen as if nothing else exists;

Touch as if it’s the first time;

Taste as if it’s the last meal;

Speak as if the world is listening;

Live as if it’s the last moment;

Love as if it’s forever.

Letting go of the one you love (2)

The previous blog was about understanding attachments and making determinations to let go. This blog is about one difficult (but common) area to let go of – love/ breakups. A disclaimer: I have learnt that love is so complicated and sensitive, I don’t want to overgeneralise. Nonetheless, hopefully these few ideas can get you thinking about love, life and all in between.

Sometimes people hold onto relationships, dreams and even the feelings they have for their special someone, long after the relationship is over. Or they might hold onto a love that isn’t returned, or shouldn’t be. They think that holding onto that love is what makes them happy, despite the fact that it tears them apart inside. They think a relationship is worthwhile despite the fact that it’s a deadend or even abusive. It’s almost like an addiction. Addicts often don’t confess they are addicts, and when they do, they can find lots of justifications for their addiction.

I’m happy to say, I haven’t had my heart broken a lot, but I have experienced times when I had to let go of people I care about, whether it’s romantic or otherwise. Those experiences have been difficult, but also extremely insightful into the nature of those feelings, and the strength of my mental ability.

Some things that have worked for me:

• Cry & acknowledge: I put this at the top of the list because I think sometimes we feel we have to be strong and in control of our emotions all the time. I think that’s rubbish. First, feelings are not ours to control (see below). Second, feelings should be acknowledged and properly cared for. Just as you would care for a crying baby, you should welcome and cradle all the feelings you are experiencing. It might be grief, guilt, anger, hurt, betrayal, low self-esteem, or just missing the person. It’s ok. Let it out. There’s no shame in tears (even for guys). It’s purification. Give yourself that time and space. They say time heals all wounds, which I agree with, but I also think it’s important to be aware of these wounds and put the proper care and medication on them for them to heal (not just ignore and let them take care of themselves.)
• Friends: this is the time when friends and family, and any supportive networks, including counselors, are crucial. Talk to someone. Even if they can’t give you advice, they can give you understanding and a shoulder to cry on. Or just a friend to party with and remind yourself that you can have fun on your own again. Which brings me to the point of:
• Welcome to singletown: that’s right. After being in Coupledom for so long, entering Singletown might be a bit daunting. But once there, look around. Remember when you could go and disappear wherever/ whenever/ do whatever/ with whoever you wanted to? Good times.
• Mindfulness: each time you catch yourself thinking about them, remind yourself gently to come back to the present moment. You can label your thoughts as “wish” or “memory”, which is future and past respectively, and therefore, doesn’t exist.
• Investigation: this is really important and extremely valuable to my understanding of feelings and the dhamma. When you feel the feelings of love or desire well within you, sit and contemplate on them. What is the nature of these feelings? Where did they come from? Are they permanent? Are they controllable? Are they part of you? Are they self or non-self? Are they complete or inherently discontent, making you grasp? Once you realise feelings are just feelings, you won’t judge them, won’t suppress them, but more importantly, you won’t be led by them. And then, letting go, becomes more natural and without effort.
• Determination and wisdom: Before you get to this stage, though, you do need effort. Setting your determination to let go helps a lot. Cut the strings of attachment that bonds you. What inevitably ties us back is hope or wishful thinking. If you know the love is unreturned, can never be returned, or should not be returned, then stop, and let go.
• Metta, unconditional love: this is another important step that should not be skipped! The love we have for someone, even if it is fraught with attachment, grasping and hurt sometimes, can be extremely beautiful and powerful. That love can be transformed from loving someone and wanting them to be yours, to loving them and wanting them to be well. This feeling and wish of wellbeing can be extended beyond that person to encompass others known to you, then others unknown to you. That special someone had opened your heart, don’t let it close up again. Open it more, and let it become an unconditional love that is truly without attachment and suffering. Also, this allows you maintain a friendship with that person that’s not awkward. It’s difficult to be friends with someone who is still in love with you because if you are (1) friendly to them, you might encourage their attachment to you, (2) unfriendly to them, well…that’s not very nice is it?
• Self-respect: that metta should also be directed to yourself. Be gentle and considerate to yourself as if you were taking care of a friend who was hurting. Affirm yourself and the good qualities you have. Sometimes a lost relationship can be very damaging to our self-esteem. Don’t become dependent on the other person to give you your identity and value. Respect yourself and your independence.

I believe in love very much, and I believe it is a wonderful thing. Too often, though, love goes sour when in fact it can be inspirational and empowering. I don’t see feelings or relationships ending now, just changing. I hope love enters your world and if it happens to leave, it doesn’t leave a hole in your heart, but leaves you with a whole lot of unconditional love.

Letting go of what we love (1)

It is said that the Buddha taught that all attachments create unhappiness in our lives. I think this is a misconception that needs to be explained.

Some say, if all attachments are bad, what about attachments to precepts or to doing good? In my humble opinion, I would say very politely, “stop being a smartass”. On this dhamma path, we have to take it one step at a time. We can’t just give up all attachments without a proper understanding of these attachments and the reasons for renouncing them. We have so many attachments, let’s focus on the ones that are causing us immediate suffering first before we go all philosophical and deal with the attachments to teachings and precepts.

First look at your unhappiness and the cause for it. You may come to realise that behind it, there is attachment of some kind. If so, then let go of it. Don’t do it the other way around. Don’t look for attachments and let it go because you have labeled it as “attachment”.

Be careful also in identifying the cause of your attachment. For example, some would say studying is stressful and work is suffering. The logical conclusion some people have come to (true story) is I never to study or work again.

But the real cause of suffering isn’t the study or work…it’s the mental attitude adopted. It’s the attachment to expectations, to perfection, to pride, to ego. You can still do your best and work extremely hard, but your mind can still be at ease, without the added mental element of stress and anxiety.

Next, you have to use a lot of effort and willpower to rid these attachments. It’s not easy, but you can’t just wait for time to heal all, or for the conditions to be such for the letting go process happen naturally. From experience, sometimes renounciation comes naturally. Other times, you do have to make a determination to let go, and you have to work persistently, yet with gentle patience, to leave that attachment.

See my next blog on letting go of the one you love!

Ostrichism

From time to time, we are ostriches. We bury our heads in the sand, hoping the problems won’t find us and eventually go away. I call that “Ostrichism” (denial is a more classic and proper term. But i think Ostrichism is more sexy.

So why do we ostrichise? I guess it’s easier sometimes to ignore things – after all, ignorance is bliss, right.

Wrong.

From experience, problems don’t just go away (unfortunately). In fact, unresolved issues often come back and bite us bitterly on our bottoms.

1. Financial: you have a debt, you pay it. Interests are expensive and on the rise nowadays.

2. Work/ study: if it’s gotta be done, it’s gotta be done. Some people when stressed just go into full work-frenzy-mode (that’s me).  Others are paralysed and can’t do anything but sit and worry. That’s a classic symptom of Ostrichism.

3. Emotions: having negative feelings and suppressing them hoping they go away is dangerous ostrichism. You risk having these bottled emotions explode uncontrollably.

etc etc…

So hopefully this little piece can motivate you to face your problems, stare at the enemies of the mind with courage, strength and wisdom. If you perceive your situation and problem with truthfulness and clarity, not fear or anxiety, the solution will come allowing you to deal with the problem once and for all.

Once that happens, you have de-ostrichised yourself! Congrats!

The Greatest Teacher lies Within

Some people seek out the truth by traveling to the ends of the earth. Others seek it out in cold-stone buildings called universities. Others still seek for truth in hard-bound dust-covered books. We look for answers, for questions, for guidance, for teachers. Yet we don’t find it, why? Because we have looked everywhere but within.

In fact, the greatest teacher of truth is suffering.

1. When I’m low in energy and feel I can’t go on, this is when I practice Viriya (Effort).
2. When I lose faith and doubt the Dhamma path and of whether I am doing the right thing in this worldly path, this is when I practice Aditthana (Determination).
3. When I want to be happy, successful and perfect right NOW, this is when I practice Khanti (Patience).
4. When I am angry at others or of myself, this is when I practice Metta (Loving-kindness).
5. When I am selfishly and greedily grasping, this is when I practice Dana (Generosity).
6. When I am tempted to do what is unwholesome, this is when I practice of Sila (Morality).
7. When I am grasping onto so many things, weighed down by so many material and mental burdens, this is when I practice of Nekkhamma (Renunciation).
8. When I am tempted to be untruthful or dishonest in my speech, action or perception, this is when I practice of Sacca (Truthfulness).
9. When my mind is perturbed by the defilements of greed, anger and delusion, this is when I practice of Upekkha (Equanimity).
10. When I am suffering, this is when I get to experience suffering first-hand, understand it first-hand, and overcome it first-hand. This is when I practice Panna (Wisdom).

If it weren’t for life’s challenges, how else can we perfect the Ten Perfections? So don’t run from suffering, don’t fear it. Hold your ground and use it to sharpen your Dhamma practice. In times of hardship is where the diamond is. Suffering is the greatest teacher of them all, and what a teacher! I have a love-hate relationship with suffering – I love it and hate it at the same time. I guess it really is the best teacher of them all.

Even though suffering is the greatest teacher, it is not the ultimate. Likewise, even though suffering is the first noble truth, it is not the final truth. The ultimate teacher of truth lies in this moment, and IS this moment. Seeing this moment, this world, this life, for what it truly is – whether it is suffering or happiness – THAT is the truth.

So don’t seek out suffering as your truth, because suffering itself is only a teacher, a perception, not the truth. A finger pointing at the moon, is not the moon. Transform your suffering and see it for what it is. Freedom from suffering is possible, and lies in this very moment in your heart.

Letters to the unloved

We all have days when we just don’t have the energy to carry on or we feel we are just not happy with ourselves. If you ever feel this way, here’s my thoughts and good wishes to you:

Dear you,

Do you feel tired, rundown, like you’ve had enough and you’re ready to pack your bags and leave? Maybe it is time to pack your bags, and unload all that baggage at least for a moment or two. Leave the burdens of work and study, and enjoy the moment of peace and contentment that exists in this very present.

Do you feel hopeless in this struggle against the tide, forever drowning in trying to meet the expectations of yourself and others? Maybe it’s time to stop struggling so hard against the tide, and drift softly along the rhythms of nature. Maybe it’s time to reassess those expectations and the necessity of fulfilling those expectations. Maybe it’s time to just be.

Do you feel you have become dependent on other’s approval of you, and fearful of their disapproval of you? Maybe it’s time to get to know yourself in an honest way, to see yourself for who you really are. We spend so much of our time criticising or praising ourselves that we have only seen ourselves through eyes of hate or arrogance. Reaffirm your confidence and sense of self worth, and truly accept the person you are.

Do you feel like the world is crushing down upon you, or life seems to be plotting it’s ways against you? Maybe it’s time to take a different perspective and approach, keeping things in it’s proper perspective. Things probably aren’t as bad as you make them out to be, or they could be worse.

Do you feel your inner peace being disturbed by all that happens around you? Maybe it’s time to take some time to rediscover simplicity, and go back to basics. Do you still remember what it’s like to have a day off free from any worries, commitments, and To Do lists? Do you remember what it felt like to just sit and be with the moment, without becoming impatient for something to happen, or stressed that you should be doing something else? Do you remember what it really means to “waste time”? Do you remember when was the last time you “did nothing”? (Doing nothing is not as easy as it sounds! You would often fill that nothingness with thinking, thinking about not thinking, thinking about not thinking about not thinking…)

So all in all, dear you, dear friend, when your energy is low, recognise it and find a way to boost it by stopping, resting and smiling. When your confidence is low, recognise it, and find a way to boost your respect for yourself. When your peace is disturbed, stop and gently return to the source of your being.

Stand tall, be proud. You are an achiever, intelligent, brave, strong, loving, caring, and you have come so far already. You are brilliant, and you are a beautiful being. (How do I know? You are reading my blog, aren’t you! hahaha). Don’t be so hard on yourself. Respect yourself. Believe in yourself. You are worth it.

But don’t go to the other extreme. Don’t go thinking you are a perfect being, or that you have the ability to be perfect in every way right now. You might, one day. But that doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow. Be patient in your cultivation of wisdom and goodness. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to be lesser than perfect. It’s ok to say sorry. It’s ok to be the person you are at this moment in time.

Accept yourself. Be proud, yet humble. Be energetic, yet still. Be busy, yet mindful. Be at peace, be content, be diligent in ridding your defilements and creating positiveness around you. Be true, be sure, be happy, be you.

Just be.