Letting go of the one you love (2)

The previous blog was about understanding attachments and making determinations to let go. This blog is about one difficult (but common) area to let go of – love/ breakups. A disclaimer: I have learnt that love is so complicated and sensitive, I don’t want to overgeneralise. Nonetheless, hopefully these few ideas can get you thinking about love, life and all in between.

Sometimes people hold onto relationships, dreams and even the feelings they have for their special someone, long after the relationship is over. Or they might hold onto a love that isn’t returned, or shouldn’t be. They think that holding onto that love is what makes them happy, despite the fact that it tears them apart inside. They think a relationship is worthwhile despite the fact that it’s a deadend or even abusive. It’s almost like an addiction. Addicts often don’t confess they are addicts, and when they do, they can find lots of justifications for their addiction.

I’m happy to say, I haven’t had my heart broken a lot, but I have experienced times when I had to let go of people I care about, whether it’s romantic or otherwise. Those experiences have been difficult, but also extremely insightful into the nature of those feelings, and the strength of my mental ability.

Some things that have worked for me:

• Cry & acknowledge: I put this at the top of the list because I think sometimes we feel we have to be strong and in control of our emotions all the time. I think that’s rubbish. First, feelings are not ours to control (see below). Second, feelings should be acknowledged and properly cared for. Just as you would care for a crying baby, you should welcome and cradle all the feelings you are experiencing. It might be grief, guilt, anger, hurt, betrayal, low self-esteem, or just missing the person. It’s ok. Let it out. There’s no shame in tears (even for guys). It’s purification. Give yourself that time and space. They say time heals all wounds, which I agree with, but I also think it’s important to be aware of these wounds and put the proper care and medication on them for them to heal (not just ignore and let them take care of themselves.)
• Friends: this is the time when friends and family, and any supportive networks, including counselors, are crucial. Talk to someone. Even if they can’t give you advice, they can give you understanding and a shoulder to cry on. Or just a friend to party with and remind yourself that you can have fun on your own again. Which brings me to the point of:
• Welcome to singletown: that’s right. After being in Coupledom for so long, entering Singletown might be a bit daunting. But once there, look around. Remember when you could go and disappear wherever/ whenever/ do whatever/ with whoever you wanted to? Good times.
• Mindfulness: each time you catch yourself thinking about them, remind yourself gently to come back to the present moment. You can label your thoughts as “wish” or “memory”, which is future and past respectively, and therefore, doesn’t exist.
• Investigation: this is really important and extremely valuable to my understanding of feelings and the dhamma. When you feel the feelings of love or desire well within you, sit and contemplate on them. What is the nature of these feelings? Where did they come from? Are they permanent? Are they controllable? Are they part of you? Are they self or non-self? Are they complete or inherently discontent, making you grasp? Once you realise feelings are just feelings, you won’t judge them, won’t suppress them, but more importantly, you won’t be led by them. And then, letting go, becomes more natural and without effort.
• Determination and wisdom: Before you get to this stage, though, you do need effort. Setting your determination to let go helps a lot. Cut the strings of attachment that bonds you. What inevitably ties us back is hope or wishful thinking. If you know the love is unreturned, can never be returned, or should not be returned, then stop, and let go.
• Metta, unconditional love: this is another important step that should not be skipped! The love we have for someone, even if it is fraught with attachment, grasping and hurt sometimes, can be extremely beautiful and powerful. That love can be transformed from loving someone and wanting them to be yours, to loving them and wanting them to be well. This feeling and wish of wellbeing can be extended beyond that person to encompass others known to you, then others unknown to you. That special someone had opened your heart, don’t let it close up again. Open it more, and let it become an unconditional love that is truly without attachment and suffering. Also, this allows you maintain a friendship with that person that’s not awkward. It’s difficult to be friends with someone who is still in love with you because if you are (1) friendly to them, you might encourage their attachment to you, (2) unfriendly to them, well…that’s not very nice is it?
• Self-respect: that metta should also be directed to yourself. Be gentle and considerate to yourself as if you were taking care of a friend who was hurting. Affirm yourself and the good qualities you have. Sometimes a lost relationship can be very damaging to our self-esteem. Don’t become dependent on the other person to give you your identity and value. Respect yourself and your independence.

I believe in love very much, and I believe it is a wonderful thing. Too often, though, love goes sour when in fact it can be inspirational and empowering. I don’t see feelings or relationships ending now, just changing. I hope love enters your world and if it happens to leave, it doesn’t leave a hole in your heart, but leaves you with a whole lot of unconditional love.