Why are relationships so difficult? (Part 1)

This is a question I’ve asked myself many times, and one that plagues many people (I know, my friends have incessantly complained about their “significant other”).

I can’t answer it today (too sick to write a book!) but here’s a start. Feel free to contribute and alleviate the sufferings of many around!

Relationships are made up of two (sometimes more unfortunately) people coming together. People are made of their egos. Egos are fuelled by their self-interest, self-satisfaction, self-importance, and self-protection. So when people come together, so do their egos. Now if the two egos are compatible and satisfied in and of themselves, conflict in the relationship is usually diminished. On the other hand, if the egos are in competition with one another, or one ego is not satisfied with the other, then sparks fly.

Sometimes conflicts surface even more when a relationship gets serious because of various reasons. Some include:

1. You get to know each other more, including the faults of the partner and yourself;
2. You realise there are more differences than similarities;
3. You start to put more weight into making the relationship work or in weighing up your partner in being “the one”, thus creating higher expectations that may be impossible to reach;
4. You see your partner as an extension of yourself, and so you cringe when they “embarrass” you;
5. You may have different expectations from the relationship, a common example is one wanting to commit and the other doesn’t;
6. You get bored of the relationship or the other person;
7. Etc.

So how do we reconcile these differences?

Listen to what they say and what your heart says; find the middle path and compromise

Open up and learn to trust; respect yourself and one another

Voice your concerns calmly after you’ve thought them through

Enjoy the time you are together and be present with each other

Loving someone is not putting yourself first or them first. It’s to put you both first.

Love can get you through anything if it’s based on that togetherness, instead of egoism.

Where has Tina been?

Right now, I’m sick and bedridden. I think it’s because I ran around like mad and screamed with too much joy all yesterday for Bodhi Nite. Good thing is…I can finally sit and write in this long-neglected blog.

It’s been a while since my last entry, besides the entry promoting Bodhi Nite. So…where have I been?

Like most modern people, the one and only justification is: I’ve been busy. I’ve had other stuff on. I’ve had to attend to this and attend to that. I’ve been doing this and going to that.

It’s a cliched reasons, and yet, it still is accepted mainly because we ourselves have used it as well.

But what does it really mean when someone says, “I’ve been busy”? It means they have had other things on that were more important than whatever they are excusing themselves from. For example, I’ve been busy working so I haven’t had time to write this blog. This translates to: “My work was pressing for my time than writing this blog.” Likewise, when we haven’t seen friends for a long time and say to them, “I’ve been too busy to call” that means at that point in our life, they were not on our priority list.

There could be many reasons for this. The pace of modern life is indeed much faster, and work or study does have higher expectations of us than before. It could also be because we take the thing we have compromised for granted, and think that when we have finished what we have done, it will still be there waiting for us.

The obvious example is family and friends. How many times do we turn down seeing them, or delay our call to them, or speak bluntly to them, believing that after that assignment or rough patch in our life, they will still be there with the same offer and same smile. And how many times does that assignment end and another begins, and we turn our friends down again?

Another example is the opportunities that present themselves in our life. We may get so caught up in the comfortable and secure routine of our life, and forget that sometimes it’s when we jump with courage into something new that we can further ourselves. So when opportunities present themselves, we may miss them, or recognise them and give ourselves so many reasons for not taking that leap for fear of losing what we have.

I’ve spent the last few months:

1. working full-time
2. studying for my college exams
3. tutoring
4. helping out with Unibuds
5. meeting up with friends
6. being loving to my family
7. learning and practising Buddhism

That was my priority list in terms of time spent for most of last month. In terms of significance to my life, it is actually the other way around.

It’s funny how we live our lives, where the things we endear and enjoy the most, we tend to neglect or spend the least time doing.

So when we are busy, let’s stop and think how busy are we really. Are we being busy or productive? Are we living the life we want to lead, or are we swept up in the rat race? And if we return to what is important to us when the time is “right”, will that time ever come, and will what we return to be there?

Bodhi Nite 2008

B O D H I    N I T E 2 0 0 8

KARMA:

Seeds of Tomorrow, Blossoms of Yesterday

Like every year, UNIBUDS presents a night of festivities, filled with performances, singing, dancing, animations, and talks. The evening will begin with a FREE vegetarian dinner (6pm to 7pm) and the show will begin from 7pm to 10pm. Your ticket will automatically be included in our lucky-draw too!

The theme for the night is “KARMA – Seeds of Tomorrow, Blossoms of Yesterday”, which explores the theme of karma and the present moment. Everyone I believe must have heard of the word Karma. But do we really understand it? Does karma mean fate? Is our life pre-destined? Could we change our fate? UNIBUDS would like to present the meaning of Karma through many ways: performances (eg Choir, Multimedia, and Sketch) and dhamma talks from our Patrons during Bodhi Nite. I believe you would go home without nothing, but you would bring something precious back!

Details:

Date: Saturday 30th August 2008 (Week 5)

Time: 6-10pm (6-7pm is dinner)

Venue: Sir John Clancy Auditorium, UNSW

Ticket: $10 UNIBUDS members
$12 non-member
$15 door (tickets sell out real quick
so no guarantee you can get tickets
on the night)

FAQs:

Q: I’m not Buddhist! Can i come?
A: Yes of course! This is just a night of celebration and fun. The point of this is to show how the teachings of Buddhism helps us in our everyday lives, and we want to show that through different entertainment mediums – not about conversion or belief at all!

Q: Where can i get the tickets from?
A: Just email or call me. Or drop by the Unibuds stall outside the UNSW library from 10-4pm weekdays.

Q: Where can i get more information?
A: you can visit the Unibuds website, or drop by the Unibuds stall.

Q: Can i help?
A: of course! Bodhi Nite is based on volunteers, so your help will be greatly appreciated! One way is to spread the word!

Bring your family, your friends, and your karmic partners.

May the good merits we have done guide us on the right path of the dhamma, to one where our karmic actions are created without reference to self.

Duplicity

In our fast-paced and individualistic society, communication and relationship breakdowns are commonplace. At work, we mask ourselves with professionalism, and hide our hearts and emotions like vulnerable children to be protected at all costs. At home, we shut ourselves off to rejuvenate from the busyness of life or snap at our loved ones because our patience has worn thin throughout the day. But more importantly, within ourselves, we have lost our understanding of ourselves as well.

We talk a lot. We have landline phones, mobile phones, i-phones, webcam, msnchat, googlechat, yahoochat, coffeechat, morningteachat, yumchachat, postmail, email, voicemail, blackberries, blogs, facebook, myspace, but no space!

And yet, how many of these are to maintain superficial friendships and networks, rather than genuine care and support for one another? How many of us are great talkers, but terrible listeners? How many times do we argue with ourselves a day? And how many of those arguments do we win and are forever resolved?

I feel we walk around with masks on, presenting the face we think will allow us to gain the most benefit from a particular person at that particular time. But once that situation changes, the mask is taken off and replaced by another. Sometimes pleasant, others not so.

Yet there are glimpses of our true self from time to time. It could be a shock that pushes us out of the mundane routine, or a negative person or event that pushes our buttons and our habitual defilements (like anger or jealousy) take over instead. In those moments, the suppressed becomes overt and the masks fall off as the composure to maintain it has disappeared.

But at those times, since we are so flustered by the external event that had toppled us, we can’t see ourselves clearly, or we only see the negative tendencies. A more objective and proper view of ourselves comes when we are calm, quiet, open, objective and accepting. That is why meditation provides great insights into any situation, problem, or personality.

So today is a new day. Walk talk, speak gently, listen sincerely, think wisely and live truly. No matter how dirty your environment may be, rise above that and remember that no gain in reputation, monetary, or promotion is greater than an honourable and happy life. And such a life is only such when you’re surrounded by people who care about you, and you for them in return.