Why are relationships so difficult? (Part 2)

The long-awaited Part 2 is finally here.

Truth is, since the last entry in August, I’ve got no wiser answer!

So I’ll do what I do best – answer the question with another question to answer the first question. If relationships are so difficult, why oh why do we still keep falling into this desire cycle again and again?

The answer to such a philosophical question can be found in what happened to me on Saturday at a random Hens party.

I was invited to this random Hens party on Saturday as the Tarot Reader. Of the 18 girls I read, 2 asked about changing jobs, 1 about getting rich, 1 about a problem at work, 1 about her daughter and 2 about balancing work and life. 11 asked about love (getting it, having it and leaving it).

It was interesting watching it all. I spoke to each girl one-on-one, and some really opened up to me (Two cried!). So I heard 11 stories about how they can’t find the right person, or they found someone but like someone else, or they have someone but can’t stand them, or that someone can’t stand them. Then there was the married ladies and they weren’t any better. They complained how they were neglected, or the hubby can’t show them affection and attention, and one was accused of cheating by her jealous husband. Gosh, I felt more like a marriage counsellor than a tarot reader!

Then came in the bride-to-be. Obviously she wanted to ask about her marriage to which I refused to do a reading for for similarly obvious reasons. Also because she had a completely different aura from everyone else – where others were indecisive and unsure, I can feel there was a certainty in her love for her fiance.

So now I come to the bold conclusion as to what makes us pursue these inevitably difficult relationships. It’s the same reason why the bride-to-be was beaming the whole day, and what made all the other 11 girls ask those questions.

Some may say “love”, but I disagree because sometimes people are stuck in relationships where the love has long subsided.

Others may say “recklessness” or “stupidity”, and arguably that’s a closer answer.

“Attachment” is a good Buddhist answer, but also a catch-all one that doesn’t really say much.

So I’ll say the answer is hope.

Hope that this union will bring happiness, enrichment, meaning, and fill the void in our self (hence the concept of soulmate). Hope that the future is bright. Hope that at the core is love.

Now hope in itself doesn’t have to be an issue. In fact, it can be an extremely inspiring force, attracting positivity and engagement. If we stop hoping, and give up on the relationship (or the other person!), love can’t find its way in.

On the other hand, hope becomes problematic when the focus turns away from the present and into the future. The present moment is tainted by the desire for the future that has yet to come, or even by comparisons with the past that has already become just memories.

Also, when hope becomes expectation, and in particular unfulfiled expectation, the relationship may be strained. This can manifest in the partners trying to change or dominate the other, trying to create the ideal relationship or love to fit with what they hoped it to be.

So there you have it. Why relationships are so difficult are because of (1) our egos, and (2) our never-ending hopes and expectations. Stay tuned – if I think of anything else, there might be a part 3! Until then, I hope without expectations that we…

Love wholeheartedly the person we’re with

at this present moment,

for neither is here forever.

How to live with impermanence

Impermanence, or “anicca” in Pali, happens because all things that arise in the world depend on the joining of various causes and conditions, which in turn are also in constant flux. This is the theory of Dependent Origination.

Deep down we know that all we see, all we have, and all that we are, are impermanent.

We know people come and go, material possessions are gained and lost, reputation is built and forgotten, and moments become fragments of memories in no time. We know ultimately sickness, old age, and death will come.

Yet we are shocked and unhappy when these things happen. We live our lives building security, stability and permanency in our lives, and in our minds. It’s no wonder that impermanence is often seen as something negative.

But actually impermanence is neither negative nor positive, it just is. It isn’t something to be repelled, nor something to be attached to. A true understanding of it brings insight into our lives, and allows us to live with impermanence, rather than living to keep it away.

In a practical sense, this understanding allows us to:

• Deal with the difficult times in our lives, by reminding ourselves that this too will pass.

• Deal with loss better, and find the wisdom in letting go of what needs to be left.

• Appreciate life more, and our time with others, by realising that our last breath can come at anytime. In fact, death contemplation is practiced in Buddhism, and often can motivate us to strength our Buddhist practice before we breathe out our last breath.

• See our life as a whole, instead of being caught up in our insignificant routines and unnecessary pickiness.

• See the changes in life as a natural phenomenon, which allows us to accept what happens to us in life, instead of resisting against the natural rising and ceasing of all phenomenon. That resistance itself is often the source of our suffering.

From my personal experience, I have felt the hurt from a loss is prolonged and strengthened because of my attachment to permanency. Once I’m mindful of my attachment, contemplated on its essentially impermanent nature, and eventually let it go, a feeling of lightness and liberation overwhelms me. This experience motivates me to face the next experience of impermanence with the same gentle acceptance. In time, impermanence is not something we have to put up with, but something we live with.

[This will be published in the next Sacca publication]

In addition:

Do you know what is the difference between knowing about impermanence and understanding it?

Imagine a child and a mother building a sandcastle on the shore. When the waves crash onto the sandcastle, the child cries, but the mother doesn’t.

The truth of impermanence doesn’t mean we should stop building sandcastles. It just means we need to know they don’t last forever. So make the most of your every moment, and enjoy the sandcastles while they last.

Share the dream

Dear friends in the dhamma,

I’m extremely happy to share with you today a story of inspiration and one where “we did it!”

In 1998, Venerable Sheung Man made a wish to build a place of dhamma practice for devotees. A decade on, that place of practice comes to fruition, now known as Lin Yim Temple.

For the full story, read my article published in 2006 when construction wasn’t yet completed: Lin Yim article

Now it’s complete, and opening its doors in celebration!

Lin Yim Temple

Invites you to its Opening Ceremony

When: 5^th October 2008 (9am – 3pm)

Where: 12 Clementson Drive, Rossmore 2557

Contact:

Lin Yim temple: 9606 8899

Tina: tinlala@gmail.com
Languages spoken: Cantonese, Mandarin, English

Ceremony Program

09.30 Welcome guests to be seated

10am Dharma talk by Ven. Sheung Man Shi, Abbot of Lin Yim

10.35 Devotees to pay homage to Buddha

10.55 Congregation assemble in the Grand Hall

11am Grand offering service to Buddha

11.30am – 1.30pm Vegetarian lunch to be served

Volunteers: if you wish to help out on the 5th October,  your help will be greatly appreciated. In particular, we need receptionists and traffic controllers. I will be organising a group to go there from the city area, so travel is no problem!

Thanks for making this event possible!

Please feel free to pass this on to anyone who may be interested.

May you keep persevering and may all your dreams come true!

With joined palms,

Tina