Completeness

Here’s your shock for the day. I know you are struggling. I know deep down you are unhappy, worried, anxious, doubtful, insecure, hurt, scared or just fed up. I know you are trying so hard to find the solution to rid these negativity and be the perfectly happy person everyone else seems to be. And, as an intelligent reader of my blog, I know that you know that no one is perfectly happy all the time…and yet we strive to be. I see that strive as one to find completeness in our life.

Humanity’s endless search for happiness, meaningfulness, companionship, material security, social standing and recognition, are all manifestations of this drive to complete what is incomplete. We feel we lack wholeness, and look externally for our other half – whether it’s in a partner, a career, a family, etc.

I’ve spent two decades already looking for that completeness. I’ve sought it in my family unit, in boyfriends, in friends, in my career, and the closest, in selfless acts of charity. At times I’ve come close, but these can never complete me as they are too conditional upon permanency when in fact these are all impermanent. What that means is the feeling of completeness comes only when things go right. But things only go right when the right conditions exist at that moment in time. So inherent in that is a need for things to be right all the time, that is, a permanency in the way conditions exist. Now that’s all well and good, except as we know, all conditional things are impermanent – that is why they are conditional.

Confused? Let’s use a familiar example – love.

From a very young age, we seek for our better half. Bedtime stories and fairy tales all speak of the happily ever after that follows when guy meets girl and they fall in love. So we go through life finding, picking, trying, until we think we’ve got it or had enough. Along the way, there will be heartbreaks, but we pull ourselves out and try again, hoping the next would be our last. Essentially, relationships don’t work because the conditions that were right for the fruition of the relationship have changed (impermanence), and now are just not right. The relationship can’t stand, and so it ends.

A bit grim isn’t it? Not if you study impermanence carefully. Some misunderstand the Buddha’s teaching on impermanence (in Pali called annica) to mean that everything is impermanent. That’s not true. The Pali sutra says, “Vayadhamma sankhara. Appamadena sampadetha.” The English translation is, “All conditioned things are subject to dissolution. Strive on with diligence”. These were the last words of the Buddha.

So, if all conditioned things are impermanent, then all unconditional things must be permanent. Arguably, the attainment of Enlightenment (Nibbana) is the latter. And it is in the latter that completeness resides, and the journey to that lies in the heart within, and not the world without.

In practical terms, it doesn’t mean that we must reach Enlightenment to feel that completeness. If you can practice unconditionality in your life, even for a split moment, then completeness is yours.

So reiterating the example of love above, instead of loving conditionally (i.e., “I love you IF…”) – love with no strings attached – love unconditionally (i.e., “I love you. FULL STOP.”) (In Pali, that’s called metta.)

In life, instead of enjoying life conditionally (i.e., “I love my life IF I was doing X or with Y or have XYZ or don’t have XYZ”), enjoy your life unconditionally no matter what you’re doing, who you’re with and what you have/ don’t have. Enjoy the current conditions if they are favourable, but if they happen to change, then ride the waves of that change. As I’ve said in my blog many times over – happiness lies in contentment, nothing exists except the present moment. The great Zen master Rinzai often taught his students by asking very slowly and deliberately, “What, at this moment, is lacking?” It’s a question not to be answered through intellectual analysis, but to be realised from the stillness of the mind.

May you find completeness however you define it, however you experience it, and however you wish to live it.

The best sculptor

Today, I want to share a story with you.

Long ago, in a distant land, there lived two sculptors named Seb and Matthias. One day they each received a Royal proclamation inviting them to take part in a sculpting competition to be held at the Royal Gardens.

Both Seb and Matthias were extremely excited by this opportunity and immediately started preparing for the seven day journey.

Seb set out on a bright Monday morning with his chisels and hammers packed in the back of his horse-drawn cart. At the end of his first day of traveling, he made camp in a clearing by the side of the road. After a simple meal, Seb noticed a large rock on the edge of the clearing and decided to get in some practice for the upcoming sculpting competition.

He took out his tools and began to chisel away at the rock. Several hours later, Seb stood back to look at his sculpture. It was a statue of the Princess Rebecca, but while he was reasonably happy with his attempt, Seb realized that the statue’s hands were too big. He made a mental note to be careful of this in the future and went to sleep.

The next morning, Seb continued on his way leaving his statue of Princess Rebecca by the side of the clearing. At the end of his second day, Seb found another rock to practice on and created another sculpture of the Princess. This time he got her hands right but made her legs too short. He made a mental note on how to improve next time and moved on.

Seb continued this pattern throughout his journey. Each night he found a rock to practice on, created a sculpture of Princess Rebecca, made note on how he could improve and then moved on the following morning leaving the sculpture where he created it.

By the time Seb reached the Royal Gardens he had made seven practice sculptures that were each a little bit better than the one before. On the day of the competition, Seb created his best sculpture ever and to his delight, he was awarded the coveted ‘Golden Hammer’ award which was presented by Princess Rebecca herself.

Now you may be wondering what happened to the other sculptor, Matthias, so let me tell you his side of the story…

Matthias also set out on the seven day journey to the Royal Gardens to compete in the sculpting competition. Like Seb, Matthias made camp on the first night and found a large rock to practice on. He too created a statue of the Princess Rebecca but found that he made her feet too big. Matthias was angry at himself for making this mistake and the next morning he heaved the statue onto the back of his cart so that he could study his mistake later.

At the end of his second day of traveling, Matthias found another rock to practice on and created another statue. This time he forgot to include the princess’s head dress and he became furious at his mistake. The next morning, he heaved the statue onto the back of his cart and continued slowly on his journey.

Each night Matthias repeated this same pattern. He created a statue, became angry with himself when he made a mistake and then loaded the statue onto his cart before moving on.

On the seventh day, Matthias woke up early and prepared for the final leg of his journey, but when he prompted his horse to get underway, the poor animal strained at his harness but could not move an inch. Matthias jumped down from his seat and went to the back of his cart.

There he found all seven practice statues of the Princess Rebecca which were weighing the cart down and making it impossible to move. Matthias complained bitterly as he looked over the statues in detail – too big, too short, too tall…the list of mistakes went on and on. The unhappy sculptor sat down on a tree stump and continued to stare at his statues for hours, and as a result, he never made it to the Royal Gardens to compete in the competition.

This simple story illustrates an important lesson that can often be the difference between success and failure. The statues in the story represent the mistakes that we all make in life. The difference between Seb and Matthias was the way in which they responded to their mistakes.

When Seb made a practice statue he made a mental note of any problems and then he left his mistake where he made it and continued on his journey. As a result, he gradually developed his skills and eventually achieved his ultimate objective.

Matthias on the other hand approached his mistakes in a different fashion. Each time he made a statue, he loaded it onto his cart and took it with him. Each day his cart became heavier and heavier until eventually it would not move at all. Instead of leaving his mistakes where he made them, Matthias carried the weight of his mistakes with him and the weight of these past mistakes eventually prevented him from reaching his real objective.

On your journey to success, understand that you too will make mistakes. Some small, some big. Each time you make a mistake you have a choice. You can either learn from your mistake and move on like Seb, or you can carry your mistake with you like Matthias.

The danger in harbouring regret and continually analysing your past mistakes is that, like Matthias, you can eventually get stuck and can jeopardise the achievements that are waiting for you in your future.

Today I’d like to encourage you to reflect on the story of Seb and Matthias and make the decision to leave your mistakes where you make them. In this way, you’ll be able to learn from your mistakes but will still be able to move forward to achieve your ultimate objective.

Tina on TV

That’s right. Finally I can have my five minutes of fame!

I will be appearing on The Hack Half Hour screening next Monday 17th November on ABC 2 at 8.30pm. The topic discussed is SEX & FAITH amongst youths from all faiths. I was asked to represent the Buddhist point of view in the discussion.

I have to say, it was quite an experience. I still can’t believe I did it. I knew no one there, didn’t know what to expect, hadn’t seen (nor heard of) the show before, and I was running the risk of making a fool of myself on national TV. When I got there and introduced myself to the other participants, I met theologians, professors, priests, celebrities, and people who seemed to know what they were talking about. To top it all off, when I met the Buddhist practitioner, Roy, he started showing me the notes he had and the research he did. That’s when I really started panicking because the only “preparation” I did for the night was figuring out where I had to go and having a cursory glance at the show’s website.

So for a good two minutes my body went cold as I realised exactly what I had gotten myself into.

But it’s not like me to back down.

So I did what I usually do when I’m nervous prior to public speaking – I breathed deeply, smiled to myself and focused my attention on the task at hand instead of my on-the-verge-of-nervous-breakdown ego. What was the task at hand? To share a piece of Buddhism with everyone. To make the most of the opportunity to speak the dhamma. To enjoy the unique experience. By redirecting my attention from myself to an alturistic goal, my anxieties disappeared as quickly as they came, and the flow of loving-kindness in me returned. By reminding myself that I was not there to promote myself but to promote Buddhism gave me strength and joy to beam on.

Walking into the studio was an amazing feeling. I had seen the set on my computer screen when I did my “extensive” preparation checking out the show’s website. Now the set lay in front of me – real. It was such a surreal feeling, similar to when you meet celebrities in real life (of course they look better on film).

We were all strategically seated. Some of us were there as “fillers” and to provide comments when we wanted to. I was actually told that they liked what I had to say about Buddhism (they had called me earlier to gauge how much I knew about Buddhism and about having a personality) and was specifically asked if I could mention my points on the show that night. So lucky for me throughout the show the host specifically asked me for the Buddhist perspective on the various topics, so I didn’t need to force my way into the conversation, as the others were doing. (Which wouldn’t be the Buddhist way anyway.)

The two topics we discussed were (1) chastity, and (2) homosexuality. One of the challenges I faced in speaking about these two topics is that I think they were chosen specifically with Christianity in mind in particular. The Buddhist view is quite different from the other faiths, as there is no outright prohibition of them. The focus is less on the act itself, and more on the underlying morality of the act. Buddhist morality – and sexual morality as prescribed in the third precept – centres on conduct that does not harm others and oneself. The difficulty often arises when there is inconsistency as to what benefits oneself and that of others.

So my view is that Buddhists do not have restrictions on pre-marital sex, as long as it doesn’t create problems and unhappiness in others. For example, I don’t see any problems with pre-marital sex that is consensual and faithful to the relevant partner. On the other hand, it could be a problem, say in cultures and communities that are particularly sensitive to pre-marital sex. Then it would be necessary to consider how our actions might impact on our family and extended communities.

Similar guidelines exist for homosexuality. So although it is not condoned in Buddhism, a moral approach to a same-sex relationship is integral to a Buddhist’s practice.

There was a lot of discussion about whether faith and sex regulation should be separate. I believe that true practice of Buddhism prevails all aspects of our life, including in the bedroom. So sexual morality is intimately linked to our self-development as a person.

Of course, the above practice of sexual morality is practiced by lay practitioners, that is, those who have not joined the Order of monks and nuns. Buddhist monks and nuns are celibate and choose to lead lives that are focused on understanding and not chasing desires. But of course, that’s a whole different topic from the one we were discussing!

The recording happened on 7th October 2008, and went for about 1.30 hours. Apparently the show goes for half an hour or so. Now I know why the show is called “Hack Half Hour”! So we will need to wait for Monday to see whether I get my 5 minutes of fame or not. Oh, and for obviously strategic reasons, I was wearing yellow!

The Hack Half Hour

Monday November  17, 2008  ABC2 8.30pm

SEX AND SIN
What role does your faith play in your sex life? For most religions sex is something that’s reserved for straight married couples but how is it that something that can feel so good be so bad? Obviously for some people these beliefs have deep spiritual meaning while for others they can cause angst and guilt. So why do these ancient teachings still hold such sway in modern society? In the discussion are dedicated virgins, sex advocates, gay Christians, Atheist Chris Taylor from the Chaser amongst others and at the centre of it is eighteen year old Nathan who wants to wait till he’s married.

For those of you who don’t get ABC2 you can always watch it streamed online:
www.abc.net.au/triplej/hackhalfhour

Working with compassion

The topic for this blog was meant to be. I had dinner with a good friend of mine last week, who has lost hope of finding meaning in her work. Another friend wrote a long letter to me about the difficulties she has faced at work this year, and how she had believed in herself to make those differences we all speak about – and how it happened to her. Then I had dinner with my high school teacher over the weekend, who confessed his admiration for me to have held my compassion after all that I have been through. (His words, not mine!)

That got me thinking. How many of us begin our careers with hope in our heart, only to find dust settles on it and it eventually lays unforgotten. But I believe it’s always there, if we take the time to sweep the dust away.

I truly believe that in any job, you can make that difference. You can make life meaningful through your jobs, instead of beginning your alturistic pursuits after 5pm and on weekends.

The secret is in caring.

• Every phone call you take, speak to the person, not to the task.
• Every letter you write, think of the person who receives it.
• Every email you send, send good wishes with it.
• Every presentation you give, consider the people who listen to you.
• Every meeting you hold, make it the meeting of minds by making the most of the best of each person.
• Every person you meet, receive them as friends.
• Every thing you do, do it with care and mindfulness.

With good intentions, comes good results. Don’t underestimate the power of a genuine smile. Don’t be afraid to open yourself to others, and show them who you really are.

Then there are some occupations where it’s a little more difficult than others. Lawyers are great examples. The most FAQ I’m asked is “How can you help someone who’s a murderer?” Depending on who’s asking, my answers change. For some I go through the whole natural justice and innocent-until-proven-guilty and the everyone’s-entitled-to-be-represented spiel. For others I go on about how it’s not just about getting the person “off”, but putting the person’s story to the court. Then for some I simply say, “I just think of the money!”

At the end of the day, I’ve found meaning in my work. First, people go and see lawyers only when they’re going through some pretty tough times in their life. So it’s quite an experience to help them out and be there for them at those crucial times. Second, it’s unfortunate that so many lawyers think all they can give to people is their legal expertise. But what most people need as well is care, understanding, respect, hope, and patience. From experience, it doesn’t take that much extra effort, time or money, but it definitely makes the job much more meaningful for me and the experience that much more better for them.

I don’t know what job you have, or aspire for. I don’t know whether you can apply the same principles to you career. I don’t know whether you even want to. But if you’ve ever stopped to wonder if there was more to life than a monotonous 9-5 mechanical job, I can tell you there is. Machines do brainless tasks, computers do heartless jobs, but humans don’t “do” – we should have careers that utilises our intelligence, stretches our imagination, touches our compassionate hearts and fulfills our life, so one day when we look back we realise that it was all worth it after all.