The Silent Treatment

At some point in a woman’s life, she would have given a man the Silent Treatment. This could involve acting completely blase towards him without batting an eyelid, ignoring him completely while looking right through him, and treating him as part of the background furniture.

At some point in a man’s life, he would have had the unfortunate experience of this Silent Treatment. At this point, the man is quite likely to have the following thoughts running through his head

1. What’s wrong with her now?
2. Hope this isn’t going to last too long. I need to know where she hid all my comics.
3. Thank goodness. Now we can get some peace and quiet around here.
4. Is it the time of the month again already?
5. What’s on TV?
6. I wonder what I’ve done that’s ticked her off this time.

I personally doubt many men would consider this last thought; perhaps only the smarter of the male species would actually guess this, and quite likely they would be right.

So what’s going through the woman’s head when she metamorphoses into an Ice Queen:

1. This man isn’t even worth me wasting my breath on him.
2. I’ll be the bigger person and NOT yell at him about what he did wrong. If he can’t figure out what he did then he’s obviously not sorry for it. [NB: the man most likely really doesn't know what he has done wrong anyway.]
3. I’m so angry that if I open my mouth, I won’t know what will come out of it. Better to shut it.
4. I’m not so sure about why I’m upset at him, but I’m pretty sure it was something important. Perhaps if I don’t say anything but make it known that I’m upset, he could guess it instead. [Ladies, this ain't gonna happen!]
5. I’m so tired I can’t be bothered having a conversation.
6. What’s on TV?

So as you can see, women give the silent treatment because they are upset about something, and sometimes that something to the man is really nothing. Perhaps the male logic is that if she was seriously upset about something, then she should speak out about it. Yet to the woman, there are some things that just cannot be said. For example, if she tells her partner that she’s upset he didn’t get her a Valentine’s present, even if he did later on, it’s just not the same. Or if she told him she needs more tenderness from him, it’s already tainted.

One primary reason why women get upset at men is because they think their man doesn’t care enough, or at least fail to show that care. So they seek affection in their partner by making the partner have to work for the woman’s affections again. Yet at the end of the day, women are generally more sensitive to the subtleties of affection than men. Women are great romantics, and can come up with very sweet gestures of love, tender and care. To men, this is more of a learned skill (and a difficult one too), rather than something instinctive. For those who are able to do this become the charmers of the male pack.

On the flip side, there is a complete reverse reason for why women give the silent treament. While some women use it to get affection, others use it to lose affection. Some women are very protective of their independence, their motivations, or even their heart. So they build a wall between themselves and their man, creating issues when none exist, to provide enough reasons for themselves to not fall in love with the man. Silly, I know, but I’ve seen this happen.

So where to from here? Communication is key in any relationship, and prolonged Silent Treatment can be detrimental. For women, we need to be open enough to speak with out partner, instead of bottling our anger, upset and frustrations inside of us. We may find that once we speak about it, it becomes resolved or we see how silly it was for us to be upset in the first place.

For men, on behalf of the whole women race I say – be a man and treat her right! Pamper her, love her, show you care about her, value her, and never take her for granted. Don’t let the seed of doubt fester in her mind. In return, she will show you the same love, respect and tenderness that would melt the iciest Ice Queen.

Mudita & Upekkha Pavillions Ceremony @ Sunnataram Monastery

Sunnataram Forest Monastery

Celebrates

the Completion of the Mudita & Upekkha Pavillions

Two out of the four Immeasurable Minds (Brahmaviharas)

These four qualities are: Metta (Loving-Kindness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Sympathetic Joy) and Upekkha (Equanimity)

Invites you

to the Enshrinement of the pinnacles of the Four Corner Pagodas

Each of these pagodas housing the holy relics of the Buddha’s closest disciples, of which the pagodas are named after – Venerable Ananda (cousin and personal attendant to the Buddha), Venerable Sariputa (Right-hand chief disciple of the Buddha), Venerable Moggallana (Left-hand chief disciple of the Buddha), and Venerable Sivali (foremost in monastic requisites).

Details

When: Sunday 31st May 2009, 10.00am – 3.00pm

Where: 13 Teudts Road, Bundanoon

Contact: Tina (E) Tinlala@gmail.com

You can also contact Sunnataram Forest Monastery directly for more information.

For more information, please visit: http://www.sunnataram.org/

Hope to see you all there!

Letting go of the one you love (3)

It’s interesting the words searched in Google that bring readers to my site. Today, the following search terms were made:

letting go of love	2
self-confidence	2
tina ng	2
songs about mums nagging kids to eat cer	1
space shots of earth	1
love and happiness quotes	1
buddhist prayer of protection	1
buddha and the four elements	1
chinese love poem	1
dreaming of a person you want to be	1

low self-esteem help	1
buddhism and letting go of love	1
knockout mice	1
tinlala	1
ashoka’s pillar	1
tina ng blog	1

Besides my name and searches about self-confidence, the most frequently searched term has to do with letting go of people we love. In fact, my two entries, Letting go of the one you love Part (1) and Part (2) are amongst the most popular of my articles. It’s indicative of the type of issues facing the world today. After all, attachment to getting or prolonging what we like but can’t have, and attachment to ridding what we don’t like, is the primary cause of our unhappiness. It is little wonder then, for those realising this truth, that the need to let go is the best solution to our problems.

Yet although we may see so clearly the need to let go, doing it is a completely different level altogether. No doubt you would have experienced at some point a need to let go of something. You may have all the reasons lined up to justify ending the relationship or habit, and yet when the moment of truth comes…you crumble and fall again into the trap of desire, security and excuses. You fail yourself, once more.

So…what to do?

If you’re expecting this entry to tell you the easy way out, I’ll tell you to get real. The truth is letting go is difficult, and the more you are attached to the thing, the more difficult the process of non-attachment is. And if you’re expecting to wake up the next day with all your attachments gone, disappeared overnight, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Despite how difficult it is, and how long the process could be, it’s not impossible and it’s not never ever. Another good news is the process of non-attachment gets easier each time. You learn from each experience. Each time a loved one leaves us, or a relationship breaks up, or a job lost, or a car stolen, it is an experience. Granted that the experience is unlikely to be a good one; it might feel as if the ground has been pulled from beneath our feet and we are left unbalanced, vulnerable and broken.

Yet slowly we come to terms with the situation, we come to accept it, we come to deal with it in whatever way we know how, because there is no other way. And it is through this trial and error process that we learn to deal with the emotional loss left in our lives. But through these losses we gain – we gain maturity in our approach to problems, wisdom in putting our priorities into perspective, and skills to deal with future losses.

People deal with their losses differently. Some like to be around company to comfort and support them. Others need solitude to think it all through without having to face external pressures. Some turn to external help such as counseling, charity work, or traveling. Some turn to nasty intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs, without properly facing up to the issue at hand. Some turn to internal soul-nourishment, such as prayer, meditation and self-reflection. Some of these techniques are long-lasting and gets to the core of the attachment, while others only provides temporary comfort by covering the attachment with further attachments (such as addictions to stimulants, or food and shopping!).

I have found that four things are needed for the recovery process towards truly letting go for good.

The first is time. With time, wounds are healed, hearts are mended and tears are dried. With time, the emotionally-charged views we hold may slowly change as we see the situation with better-adjusted eyes. With time and distance from the attachment object, we can move on. With time, you can’t rush, but be patient and have faith that things will eventually turn out ok.

The second is wisdom. With wisdom, you can truly see the situtation for what it is and for what the attachment is worth. With wisdom, you can put the attachment into perspective of impermanence – afterall, all conditioned things will come to an eventual end, what is the use to be attached to it? With wisdom, you can see that your decision to let go is correct, and that should strength your determination to do what is right.

The third is effort. With effort, you work towards fulfilling your determination or promise to yourself to let go. With effort, you can encourage yourself to continue on the right path no matter how tempting it is to return to the attachment. With effort, you can master the greatest difficulty of all.

The fourth and final factor is the one most people neglect. I have found this factor to be the primary difference between success and failure, between letting go superficially and letting go truly. And this factor is love.With love, you can turn anger to forgiveness, jealousy to well-wishing, greed to generosity, and selfishness to selflessness. With love, you can turn your focus away from doing what is best for you, to doing what is best for others. With love, you can do what’s right for the sake of other people’s happiness, and inevitably it will also be what’s right for yourself. With love, you will realise unconditional care. With love, you can find strength in times of difficulty and wavering. With love, you can do the unbelievable.

Life is full of challenges. A series of hurdles to be jumped, rivers to cross and mountains to climb. Yet with every hurdle jumped, that’s another leap forward. With every river crossed, that’s another drift closer to the great ocean. With every mountain climbed, that’s another peak conquered. When you’ve reached the highest point and look down, you wouldn’t be frowning at the troubles beneath your feet but you will be smiling with pride at what you’ve achieved. So even with your dying breath, you will be able to smile at all that you’ve achieved in life, not because they came to you easy, but because you strived and won. You won’t be able to take with you your relationships and possessions to your grave, but after so many rehearsals, you will be ready to let go for the last time – finally and ultimately.

Prejudice

In our politically-correct society, we like to believe that we aren’t prejudicial, aren’t racist, aren’t sexist. In this land of young and free, we like to think we do give people a fair-go.

Yet at times, our social conditioning of embedded stereotyping surfaces its ugly rear, and we are shocked to see just how deep our prejudices are, and how shallow our minds can be.

Let’s face it, in our minds we do hold a face for wealth, a face for beauty, a face for intelligence, a face for goodness and innocence. In our minds we also have a face for a criminality, poverty and ‘just-don’t-have-a-good-feeling-about-him’.

Recently, a contestant on British Idol tested the waters of prejudice, and she definitely made waves and even tears. Have a look at this clip below…it’s amazing.

Going Stingy

With the way the current economy is heading, and with the way the news of gloom and doom keep arriving at our doorsteps, it’s time to check our money-spending/ wasting habits. Time to redraw that line between want and need, between enough and greed. Most importantly, it’s a time to shamelessly practice stinginess.

That’s right dear stingy readers, you can finally be proud (well sort of) to be a penny-miser. Here’s some tips to make the most of your dollar (or cents as you will soon see) on the staples of life.

Exercise

Cheapskate tip #1: Don’t worry about heading to the gym. Just walk/ run everywhere you’re going. It’ll save you petrol (on top of the other petrol-saving methods below – bargain!) and it’ll save the environment. Meeting new clients in sweats (and in a sweat) is also a good ice breaker, especially if you can come up with a different but interesting story each time.

Cheapskate tip #2: I don’t need to do a lot of exercise to stay fit. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Petrol

Cheapskate tip #3: When pumping petrol, pump up to $0.02 and pay by cash. E.g., $20.07 or $50.02. If you go over to $50.03 you will bring shame to our Asian Ancestors.

Cheapskate tip #4: After you fill your tank, make sure you hold the hose vertically so all the petrol runs from the tube to your car. Otherwise you are wasting good petrol that you have paid good money for, and will get 7 kms of bad luck.

Cheapskate tip #5: When you go to pay for your petrol, and the checkout guy/ gal asks if you have any discount vouchers, smile and say “No, unless you have one for me.” (Flirting optional. Good looks not necessary but highly useful.) Who knows, they might even keep one for you so you get a 4c discount every week!

True story! All have worked fantastically and to date since I’ve started driving I have saved myself probably $10 !!!

Clothes

Cheapskate #6: Winter fashion is great as it consists of boots and coats. Invest in a nice coat and wear it everywhere, everyday, and don’t take it off. Tell people you’re actually wearing something different underneath everyday. There’s two precautions though. First, if you do decide to change the coat, people may not be able to recognise you anymore. Second, if you don’t change your coat even after winter, men in white coats might be called in to pay you a visit.

Shelter

It’s surprising just how many free accommodations are available out there, often just not looked into carefully. Places like, parent’s home, friend’s couch, temples, churches, hotel lounges, airport waiting rooms, hospital beds, police cells, refugee camps, Tasmania…

Food

This ones easy. Just don’t eat. Free diet too!