Letting go of the one you love (3)

It’s interesting the words searched in Google that bring readers to my site. Today, the following search terms were made:

letting go of love	2
self-confidence	2
tina ng	2
songs about mums nagging kids to eat cer	1
space shots of earth	1
love and happiness quotes	1
buddhist prayer of protection	1
buddha and the four elements	1
chinese love poem	1
dreaming of a person you want to be	1

low self-esteem help	1
buddhism and letting go of love	1
knockout mice	1
tinlala	1
ashoka’s pillar	1
tina ng blog	1

Besides my name and searches about self-confidence, the most frequently searched term has to do with letting go of people we love. In fact, my two entries, Letting go of the one you love Part (1) and Part (2) are amongst the most popular of my articles. It’s indicative of the type of issues facing the world today. After all, attachment to getting or prolonging what we like but can’t have, and attachment to ridding what we don’t like, is the primary cause of our unhappiness. It is little wonder then, for those realising this truth, that the need to let go is the best solution to our problems.

Yet although we may see so clearly the need to let go, doing it is a completely different level altogether. No doubt you would have experienced at some point a need to let go of something. You may have all the reasons lined up to justify ending the relationship or habit, and yet when the moment of truth comes…you crumble and fall again into the trap of desire, security and excuses. You fail yourself, once more.

So…what to do?

If you’re expecting this entry to tell you the easy way out, I’ll tell you to get real. The truth is letting go is difficult, and the more you are attached to the thing, the more difficult the process of non-attachment is. And if you’re expecting to wake up the next day with all your attachments gone, disappeared overnight, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Despite how difficult it is, and how long the process could be, it’s not impossible and it’s not never ever. Another good news is the process of non-attachment gets easier each time. You learn from each experience. Each time a loved one leaves us, or a relationship breaks up, or a job lost, or a car stolen, it is an experience. Granted that the experience is unlikely to be a good one; it might feel as if the ground has been pulled from beneath our feet and we are left unbalanced, vulnerable and broken.

Yet slowly we come to terms with the situation, we come to accept it, we come to deal with it in whatever way we know how, because there is no other way. And it is through this trial and error process that we learn to deal with the emotional loss left in our lives. But through these losses we gain – we gain maturity in our approach to problems, wisdom in putting our priorities into perspective, and skills to deal with future losses.

People deal with their losses differently. Some like to be around company to comfort and support them. Others need solitude to think it all through without having to face external pressures. Some turn to external help such as counseling, charity work, or traveling. Some turn to nasty intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs, without properly facing up to the issue at hand. Some turn to internal soul-nourishment, such as prayer, meditation and self-reflection. Some of these techniques are long-lasting and gets to the core of the attachment, while others only provides temporary comfort by covering the attachment with further attachments (such as addictions to stimulants, or food and shopping!).

I have found that four things are needed for the recovery process towards truly letting go for good.

The first is time. With time, wounds are healed, hearts are mended and tears are dried. With time, the emotionally-charged views we hold may slowly change as we see the situation with better-adjusted eyes. With time and distance from the attachment object, we can move on. With time, you can’t rush, but be patient and have faith that things will eventually turn out ok.

The second is wisdom. With wisdom, you can truly see the situtation for what it is and for what the attachment is worth. With wisdom, you can put the attachment into perspective of impermanence – afterall, all conditioned things will come to an eventual end, what is the use to be attached to it? With wisdom, you can see that your decision to let go is correct, and that should strength your determination to do what is right.

The third is effort. With effort, you work towards fulfilling your determination or promise to yourself to let go. With effort, you can encourage yourself to continue on the right path no matter how tempting it is to return to the attachment. With effort, you can master the greatest difficulty of all.

The fourth and final factor is the one most people neglect. I have found this factor to be the primary difference between success and failure, between letting go superficially and letting go truly. And this factor is love.With love, you can turn anger to forgiveness, jealousy to well-wishing, greed to generosity, and selfishness to selflessness. With love, you can turn your focus away from doing what is best for you, to doing what is best for others. With love, you can do what’s right for the sake of other people’s happiness, and inevitably it will also be what’s right for yourself. With love, you will realise unconditional care. With love, you can find strength in times of difficulty and wavering. With love, you can do the unbelievable.

Life is full of challenges. A series of hurdles to be jumped, rivers to cross and mountains to climb. Yet with every hurdle jumped, that’s another leap forward. With every river crossed, that’s another drift closer to the great ocean. With every mountain climbed, that’s another peak conquered. When you’ve reached the highest point and look down, you wouldn’t be frowning at the troubles beneath your feet but you will be smiling with pride at what you’ve achieved. So even with your dying breath, you will be able to smile at all that you’ve achieved in life, not because they came to you easy, but because you strived and won. You won’t be able to take with you your relationships and possessions to your grave, but after so many rehearsals, you will be ready to let go for the last time – finally and ultimately.