Legacy

So the King is dead. MoonWalked his way out.

The news of Wacko Jacko’s passing spread as fast as the jokes. People acted incredibly quickly to the news – fans and collectors stampeded to get Jacko’s albums (including those that had laid latent and forgotten) and tight-ass die-hard fans downloaded whatever they could get their fingers on. Anyone who was anybody came forward to pay their tribute – sobbing speeches, charity concerts, tribute songs. In fact, the tribute song “Better on the other side” feat. The Game, Chris Brown, Diddy, Usher, Mario Winans, Boyz II Men and other leading artists, exceeds 100,000 plays within a couple of days. Though it’s probably because it’s available for free download. Before long, Jacko’s hits were back onto the charts, as if they had suddenly been rediscovered again.

The long and short of it is on Thursday 25 June 2009, no one turned their minds to the latest happenings of Mr Jackson, no shop turned their minds to ordering more Jacko stock. But once his death was announced on the morning of Friday 26 June 2009, Jacko was back and everyone missed him already.

Same thing happened with Princess Di. I remember just a week prior to her announced death Dolly magazine (I was still in High School ok!) had nominated her in the “Not hot” category as opposed to the “what’s hot” category. The next Dolly issue had a full tribute to Princess Di and all the wonderful things she’s done blah blah blah.

It’s no wonder that poor unknown artists often joke that once they die, they’ll be rich. Too bad they won’t be there to know it, let alone enjoy it.

It makes me wonder, then, whether the value of their art lies in the piece of art itself, or in the pricelessness of a piece of art by an artist who will never again recreate it.

Wacko Jacko’s death left a legacy of music, dance, and fans. It also left a legacy of rumours, law suits, judgement, and of course, cruel jokes about kids.

I wonder what legacy I will leave when I pass away. A photo album of memories, a blog full of words, a room full of ’stuff’, a mark here, another mark there. A figment of someone’s memory a few years down the track – “Oh yes, I remember her…crazy little thing she was…”

I once wanted children because I thought I could give them the best of what I’ve got, teach them all that I know, and set them on the right way. I saw in them an extension of my life after I leave this life; my legacy survives in them.

I had also hoped that the people I have touched in this life would remember me, and it would be my greatest joy to know that I had changed someone’s life for the better in whatever small way it might be. That in itself would be enough to make my life a life that was worth it after all.

And now? I think I still have the same sentiments, except now I am less concerned as to whether my legacy is left and lives on after I die. I am so content with the life I have lived, so happy with the marks I have made, that even if it’s eventually forgotten that the source of the change was me, it matters not.

So while others leave their legacy in their wills, their art, their families, their writing on the wall…I hope my legacy is without form, without dependency on my name, just a source of happiness that passes through someone’s life like a refreshing breeze on a warm summer’s day.

The Paradoxes of our Time

I’m sure you would have read the text below, but still would like to share it as a reminder to keep life and its elements in proper perspective.

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The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,

wider Freeways, but narrower view points.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry,

stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We’ve added years to life not life to years.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever,

but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character,

steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands,

overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose

either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because

that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure

you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

- George Carlin

Flirting with danger

I get a phone call from a girlfriend of mine today who’s having “boy problems”. To protect her confidentiality, I don’t want to talk about her story, so I’ll use my own personal story from long ago to illustrate the conundrum instead.

I was seeing this guy, and mid way through the relationship I noticed he was always flirting with a particular girl, who he had a really good relationship with. At first I thought nothing of it, thinking it’s just part of his personality to be sociable, etc etc. Didn’t want to deprive him of his friends, etc etc. I’m not really the jealous type, and I was trying to be an understanding girlfriend, blah blah blah. Anyways, this flirting went on for a while until I realised perhaps it’s not flirting for fun – this guy might have real feelings for this girl!

So I did what a good understanding girlfriend would do and confronted him about it. In a real blase way, he admitted that he flirts with her, but only in a playful way – it’s just how he is. So I did what a good understanding girlfriend would do and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Well, despite knowing how I felt about it all, he continued flirting with her…right in front of me! For a while, I did what a good understanding girlfriend would do and pretended like it didn’t affect me. I mean, he tells me he loves me so I should trust him, right? At first glance, some may say the problem is that I’m being jealous, overly possessive and possibly irrational. Actually, I was none of those. I never acted out of negative emotions to be spiteful or nasty to either of them. I was still friends with the girl and had no intention of ruining their relationship, so I know I wasn’t jealous – but why did it still hurt?

Eventually, it dawned on me why it hurted so much. It wasn’t that the flirting I was angry at, it wasn’t the suspected infidelity that destroyed my trust in him (even to today I believe he didn’t cheat on me) … what really upset me at the end of the day was the fact that he knew how I felt and continued with his behaviour regardless. It was a blatant disregard for my feelings and a self-centredness for his own.

So in the end I did what a good understanding girlfriend would do. I didn’t try to change him, didn’t try to destroy his relationships with other women, didn’t yell and scream at him, didn’t make him feel guilty, and definitely didn’t victimise myself. As his good understanding girlfriend, I did what he wanted – to not be affected by his flirtatious behaviour. What I did was simply let the relationship fade out with indifference.

The happy ending to the story is I’m still friends with both of them. I still believe the relationship they have/ had is innocent, so I haven’t had to accuse anyone of infidelity. However, the experience gave me insight into our relationship and to see it for what it was.

So……….to my friend who’s in need, to anyone who might be experiencing what I had experienced…………….I hope you see the truth to your situation.

To those on the opposite end, sometimes we can be oblivious to how our partner reacts to our words, our actions, our feelings, our intentions. If she’s strong enough to tell you what is bothering her, don’t make her have to tell you again because you’ve made the same mistake twice. If you feel her interpretation is wrong, or you don’t understand where she’s coming from, then take the time to right the wrong and to really listen to what she has to say and really feel how she’s feeling.

At the end of the day, everyone has something that ticks them off and everyone draws their line somewhere. Know what ticks them off, and know the limit. Even if it’s irrational to you, that doesn’t justify blatantly ignoring it. Otherwise it might be you who she ends up ignoring!

Becoming a Quarter-Centurian

Yes it’s official. I’ve turned a quarter of a century, lived 2.5 decades already. In short – I’m old. So what did I do? Partied like it’s 2009 of course!

I just want to say a THANK YOU VERY MUCH to all those who’ve accompanied me on this short journey and those who shared my special moment of turning the big 2-5 yesterday with me. It’s been quite the journey and I know some of you may even wonder how I ever managed to make it to 25 without collapsing from exhaustion. Those who know me well, would know I’ve always got at least three projects going on at the same time, usually doing five different things at once, and living 34-hour days quite happily. So in a way, I’m not really 25 years old, more like 35!

But I wouldn’t have done it without my friends and family.

Family. You know, literally from the moment I was born, my family has always done everything they could to give me the best of everything. Even in our poorer years – when everyone slept on hard wooden floors, I still had a bed. Not much has changed – except now everyone has beds too!

Friends. I think 90% of my laughter comes from my friends (10% at laughing at myself!) Thank you all for being there for me when I needed someone to laugh, cry, party with, try new things, talk about the world and share about ourselves. Thanks for teaching me that life is made up of moments, and moments are made by the relationships we have with others.

So thank you … glad we got each other to grow old together!

A Simple Thank You

You ever been blamed for something you didn’t do? Or unacknowledged for work done? Ever expect a ‘thank you’ but got a ‘you could’ve done it better’ comment instead?

Whether at work, at home, with friends or family, then genuine “Thank you’ can go astray sometimes.

When the feeling of unappreciation visits, feelings of deflation and demotivation follow soon after. More familiar symptoms are thoughts of, “Why bother?” and “Who cares?”

Unappreciation is different from the other extreme of praise-seeking. Where the latter constantly requires reassurance and seeks out ‘thank-you-what-would-I-do-without-you’ remarks, unappreciation isn’t about egotistic flatter. It is about honest value in oneself, and the discrepency between that and the value others have on you.

The complication arises in the value we place for ourselves. We may see that we are worth 100 because of A,B,C but others only see us as being worth 60 because we can’t do D,E,F or don’t have G,H,I.

The follow-on effect is victimisation. When we feel unappreciated, we tend to feel as if we work so hard, and others either don’t see it or they don’t work hard enough. If this continues, it’ll turn into anger and self-pity as we wallow in self-righteousness without (ironically) appreciating what others are doing.

Or we may feel unappreciated, but the appreciation has been shown in different forms. A common contemporary example in this slow economy is pay rates. Income has long been associated as an indicator of performance (for the middle-tiered worker anyway). Yet the recent pay cuts we have no doubt read about are often made out of financial necessity rather than as a reflection of performance. It’s little wonder that the morale of the company is not jumping with joy. What to do?

Income is only one indicator of performance. It’s important to keep in mind the purpose of a job. Know why people work. Money might be the common factor, but there are also higher ideals – such as making a difference to others’ lives, building the foundation of our career, self-satisfaction for the work done, or as a way of self-development. It could simply be to know we are good at what we do – self value. Whatever it is – if you know what fulfills someone in the work they do, build on that. Do this with your colleagues, employees or even just the anonymous strangers who give you your daily coffee. Show your appreciation – appropriately:

Another example is in relationships. Mums are a great example. When was the last time we thanked mum for doing chores around the house, or just for caring (or in my case, nagging). When was the last time we thanked our partners for being there for us when we need a shoulder to cry on, or for the tiny acts of kindness they do? When was the last time we thanked the stranger sweeping the floor, or the bus driver as we step off the bus?

The final example is appreciation for oneself. Feeling unappreciated has a lot to do with self-insecurity. If we are looking to external sources for comfort and acknowledgement, it’s indicative of the fact that we are not completely happy with ourselves. So take the time to appreciate what you have done, what you have got, and what you can do. It’s ok to be proud of your achievements once in a while.

“Act without needing acknowledgement”- easier said than done. However, it’s also easier to be done if what we are doing is done out of happiness. If we are happy doing charity, for example, there is no need for a thank you. If we are happy in the act of giving, then there is no need for any returns. Finally, and most importantly, if we are happy with ourselves, then there is no need for any acknowledgement for our self-value is already full to the brim.