Befriending the Green-eyed Monster

When the Green-eyed monster of jealousy visits your heart, a sense of irrationality takes over. You may experience one of the following symptoms:

1. A fear that something you value is lost, or threatened to be lost (I’ll use relationships as an example because that’s a common example, but the same is applicable to anything you perceive as ‘yours’, e.g., a position at work or affection from family).
2. A lack of trust in your partner, whether its unfaithfulness or their love for you.
3. Anger at your partner’s real or imagined attention to others, and yearning that s/he shows you the same attention.
4. The need to control your partner as a way to secure their affections.
5. A dependence on their affections to smooth out your jealous anxieties.

It’s said that jealousy is the guardian of love, as without love one would not be jealous. In reality, however, jealous erodes the very foundation upon which love is built – trust. What follows from jealousy often include obsession, possessiveness, and anger. You may begin to build a story up from a warped interpretation of events around you, e.g., that your mate is cheating on you, and each time your partner shows affection for someone else, the significance of their actions is magnified, as does your suspicion and of course jealousy.

Now that we’ve established that this really is a monster we’re dealing with, let’s look to its cause.

The typical reaction of a jealous person is to place the blame of their jealousy on their partner. They may say, “If you didn’t have such a good relationship with him/ her, I won’t be jealous!” Actually, what they really means is “If we had a good relationship, there is no room for jealousy.”

Psychologist Steven Stosny puts it perfectly when he says, “The formula for jealousy is an insecure person times an insecure relationship.” After all, the seed of jealousy doesn’t exist in your partner, it exists in you and grows within you. Like a downward spiral, insecurity breeds insecurity, which in turn is exacerbated by the suspicious delusions of a jealous person. And as this person burdens upon his/ her partner their possessiveness or unfounded accusations, the relationship worsens, which only exacerbates their insecurity and jealousy.

So, how to get out of this spiral?

The trick is in refocusing your attention. Instead of trying to control the behaviour of your partner, control the jealousy within yourself. Instead of trying to get love from your partner, find that love for yourself within yourself. Instead of needing the affections of your partner to boost your self-esteem, boost your self-esteem by doing things that make you proud of yourself without the praise of others.

One tip is to not get caught up in the delusions and suspicions that are played out by the mind. Put an ending to the story and stop following the ‘clues’ to justify your jealousy. See the assumptions you have made, and think carefully whether you want to confront your partner about it. It could help if you voice them and your partner rationalises them for you, but if it becomes blaming accusations, then you will eventually drive your partner to despair.

As for those who are faced with a jealous partner, one of the most important things you need to remember is that they feel this way because they are feeling unloved. So take the time to nurture your relationship with them, and dispel whatever the insecurity they may be experiencing.

So there you go. Again, like many of my posts on the different tangles knotted in our heart and mind, the bottom line in resolving jealousy is love. A healthy self-esteem and self-appreciation is so important to our mental wellbeing, and proves to also be the remedy to ridding the Green-eyed monster. Yet like the other human emotions we experience from time to time, when jealousy visits, don’t just drive it away angrily. Acknowledge it, because it may be your mind’s way of telling you that it’s feeling unloved, insecure and losing a sense of self-worth. I am starting to think that just as the body gets sick as a way to tell us to stop and rest because we have been unkind to it, negative emotions such as jealousy and anger may also be the minds way of signalling to us its time to slow down and find our way back to our hearts again.

So perhaps the Green-eyed monster isn’t so fearful really, but can be befriended and used to remind ourselves that whatever we are wanting from the object of our jealousy, we can find that within ourselves also. We may not have what they have, nor be who they are, but what we do have we have and what we are is something we should cherish too.

So if the Green-eyed monster has made its home in your heart and mind, I wish you the clarity to see through the delusions of distrust, and the unconditional love to see that you are wonderful the way you are without the need for anything more.

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