This blog is inspired by the movie “Secret Window”. I’ve been watching it pass the half-way mark and now it’s running in the background as I write this blog. It is one of the most boring movies I have ever watched, and yet I don’t want to stop watching it because I keep hoping it will get to the point.
In fact, lately I have this pervasive daily boredom as I wait in anticipation for life to ‘get to the point’ and give me something new. It’s not that I need entertainment or excitement, just a higher meaning to what I’m currently doing.
The last time this happened I was studying for my uni exams, sitting there reading about something I had no interest in, trying to motivate myself to be interested in what I’m doing. Trying to ‘get to the point’, the end goal, the ‘anywhere but away from here’. Something to open my eyes to something different, beyond the superficial materialistic worldly ways.
Well, the twist in the “Secret Window” has just been revealed. And guess what? It’s the twist I had guessed 30 mins into the show. Nothing surprising, unfortunately.
Perhaps that’s how life is at the moment. Unsurprising, routine, day in and day out. Weekends give a bit of colour and variation, but not much. The twists that life give may shock those unprepared, but I’m so used to expecting the unexpected, the shock is hardly there.
On the one hand, this could be a blessing in disguise for it means that things are running its course without too many rollercoaster ups and downs. On the other hand, it may be a telling sign that I have lost the energetic inspiration and motivation that I once had to use my life to contribute to a greater good. I really miss those times when I lay down at night after a long day of work with a smile on my lips and peace in my heart in knowing it was a day well-lived for the benefit of others and myself. I remember when I could be living 13 hour days, full of activity and hardship, and yet I would be full of energy because I drew strength from knowing each thought, speech and action was alturistic. Now, I am drained and mindless by the end of the day, and much less fulfilled.
As this year comes to an end, I reflect back on my year. I feel I have done a lot, seen a lot, learnt a lot, grown a lot…but I can’t think of any one thing that was important enough to remember this year by, unlike in previous years. Is this a sign of the turning dunes of age as life becomes less exciting as I have seen all that it can offer already? Is this a preview to the rest of my life? Or is this a result of watching a depressingly boring movie like “Secret Window”?
Looking within, I’m looking for my light of passion, trying to discover again what makes me feel whole. Two things come up. The first is people. I have a real interest in the human condition, in the lives we all lead, and the commonalities as well as the unique differences between each and every one of us. I am most energised when I am around people, though I have to admit that I have become more of a recluse these days due to the mental drain I’m stuck in. Most importantly, I actually care about the welfare of others and I know I can go a long way to allieviate the seeds of unhappiness in others. I am particularly interested in developing deep and genuine connections with others, because I believe that is the real way to live among others.
The second is my own spiritual development. I believe the only way I can make a positive and lasting impact on others is through the positive energy, peace and kindness I cultivate within myself. Still a long-way to go! I have come to realise – and accept – that I don’t know myself at all. I get shocked by my follies, but also my strength and intelligence. (I know, shocks you too!)
I know meditation is very trendy at the moment, and a common misconception that it’s just a way to unwind and ‘get away from your problems and life’ for a while. It’s true that meditation develops calmness and alleviates stress, but that’s only the foundation stage. In fact, meditation properly practiced is when you come to understand the person you are, the elements that make up this ego, to see things are they really are. Meditation is not running away, but where you confront your problems, fears, false expectations, and the real you. It is investigative, not passive. It’s amazing how even the most intelligent people don’t really understand themselves nor know how to control their anger, greed and desires.
Another thing learnt in meditation is patience and acceptance. You learn to sit with whatever comes up – from physical pain in your legs to the emotional pain from memories or negative feelings. You learn to watch the rising and ceasing of these feelings and the accompanying thoughts, you learn to acknowledge their presence with an equanimous heart, and you learn to let it go naturally.
So this so-called boredom I’ve been feeling, it has been noted, acknowledged and slowly I can see it fading away. In fact, I have just made it the subject of inquiry for this blog entry! With interest in boredom, how can it remain?
I feel this blog entry is quite different to my other entries. It’s more personal, more reflective, more of a ramble without a structure. If you had read this in anticipation for me to get to a point, like me watching “Secret Window”, I won’t be giving you a twist to all of this, but will invite you to just sit for a while with your eyes closed, mind open, and take the time to understand someone you have neglected for so long – yourself.
