Pushing the right buttons

 

I believe each person has ‘buttons’, that when pushed in the right (or wrong) way, would trigger an automatic response in them. These buttons could be anything, and is individual to each person. Some of these might not even have any meaning for other people (or even the person themselves), but are obviously loaded with weight. For example, a person’s low self-esteem would be easily triggered by any constructive remarks on his/ her performance. Or another example, a man’s innocent affection for another woman could lead to immediate jealousy in his partner.

Our minds are minds of association. So when we see, hear, smell, feel, taste or think something (’sense-object’), our minds immediately associate it with something we already know to give the sense-object meaning and relevance to our lives. Usually, the sense-object is then linked with our thoughts, feelings or memories, rightly or wrongly, with accuracy or crude mismatching. It is with this that habits are formed, and also the reason why it is so difficult to break habits as the association is so automatic.

Using the above example of someone with jealousy, even if she has acknowledged she is jealous (the insight probably came from reading my article - I hope!), next time she sees this other person and her partner together, she may still be thrown into the habits of her mind. Likewise, someone may be desperately trying to forget his partner, one song or scent could send him back into memorylane of the past relationship. (I used to use a particular ringtone with my ex-bf. After we broke up, I reverted that ringtone to be a common ringtone for all my calls. Needless to say it really confused me!)

Stress is another prime example. I have seen people who get so stressed out that even mentioning the word “exam” or asking them to do a “to do list” sends them into a mess of stress. To them, I say – read my article! From my last post on anger, racism obviously has meaning for me. Injustice and dishonesty is another trigger of mine, and spurs me on to obsessively right the wrongs.

So take a moment to reflect on the type of buttons you have and how you have reacted when they were pressed. Some react to a light touch of the button, others will have it pressed pretty hard before they react.

If you find you don’t particularly like the reactions you have when your buttons are pushed, be aware of that so next time it is pressed you can mindfully stop the automatic reactions spurring on. Instead of reacting, you can then respond with rationality and care instead. In time, the habit slowly disintegrates and you can then retrain the way you want to respond to different things.

You should also keep in mind that reactions don’t always have to be negative. Triggers can be used in a positive way to change the quality of your life. For example, meditators know that a feel deep, slow, breaths can immediately give them a sense of calmness, and allow them the time to step back and assess the situation more objectively. Another example, a smile (even fake ones) can uplift you – and others. A conscious relaxing of your tense muscles can destress you. Laughter is my best pick-me-up.

So if you want to wire up your button with another reaction, first be aware of that button and to halt the automatic process that follows when it is pressed. Replace that reaction with another positive or neutral reaction instead. For example, if the word “exam” stresses you out, then next time you hear it, consciously relax your muscles. If someone or something annoys you everytime you see them, then next time you see them smile and hold that smile in your heart. If you become aware of any harsh emotions, such as hatred, anger, jealously, selfishness – consciously LET IT GO and replace it with gentle kindness.

Eventually, you will find less buttons on you, and the few left will rust and unpressable.

Red-faced Anger

I don’t think I’ve blogged about the emotion anger before, and if I have, I’ve since forgotten.

There’s different levels of anger, and even more different manifestations of anger. There’s the explosive anger that manifests itself in assaults, domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse, and those crazy acts that feature on Utube so frequently.

Then there’s the anger that’s less expressive, buried inside as a muffled sense of haughty self-righteousness and/ or self-pity. This anger may lurk from its cave, spat out with bitter sarcasm, condescendence or rude indifference. Tied to this emotion is a wounded pride, and an attempt to regain what is lost by forceful retailation to assert again your sense of self-worth.

But what people don’t realise is that the victims of anger is not only the object of your anger, but the pepetrator as well. If people realise this, I think they will drop this anger like you would drop a burning coal from your palm.

I’ll share with you my experience today, if not for the lesson, at least for a laugh.

I was having a conversation over lunch about the Indonesian refugees coming into Australia. I didn’t feel like launching into my usual debate about the rights of refugees and migrants, so stayed silent. The conversaton culminated in some racist comments about migrants – such as the Chinese – effectively ‘diluting’ the white populations of Australia. Mind you, I was sitting right there, and these were supposedly my ‘friends’. So I got up and walked away, but the comments continued despite them knowing I was upset at this.

Now, I make it a point to never say anything out of anger, as that’s usually when I say something I will regret later on. So I took a walk outside to clear my head. Mind you, in the 38 degree heat – no shade either. I was so caught up in my anger, and trying to rid it, I didn’t even realise the heat until I had walked too far.

I was out there for 20 minutes or so, my angry thoughts driving me forward. At one point, about 10 mins into my walk, I seriously thought I was going to faint from the heat, or contract skin cancer along the way. That’s when I halted my running thoughts and took a look within. By then, I can’t even remember what I was angry about. I realised if I kept holding onto this anger, my body won’t be sizzling from the burning sun, but from within as well. With deliberate intention, I let go of this anger, the sense of self-righteousness, and negativity. I started to conjure up feelings of tenderness and kindness, softening the tension created by the grasps of anger. After all, the best antidote for anger is kindness, for the two can’t co-exist at the same time. By the end of my walk, my face wasn’t red with anger, but scorched from the sun!

Looking back, I can laugh at how silly I was in punishing my body and mind, thinking I was finding peace. But looking back, I can also see in an honest way how easy it is for our rationality and calmness to be taken over by the force of anger and negativity. There is a real rush and power in the feelings of anger, aggression and self-righteousness. Our ego is falsely elated, but inevitably crushed as the emotion wanes and we see the damage done on ourselves and/or other people. Once my anger waned and I was out of the situtation, I seriously didn’t care what other racist comments are made, for I know that is only the opinions of few. I don’t even know why I got so angry about in the first place.

Well at least now I have gained a new meditation-object. In future, if I am caught in the emotional tide of anger and hate again, I can simply imagine my red-sunburnt-face to bring mindfulness back to cool the fire inside.