How to Deal with Conflict

I deal with conflict every day. Professionally, I deal with other people’s conflicts, but I can’t escape from conflict in my personal life either.

Someone once say to me that conflict arises when you put more than one person together. I say, that conflict happens even when there is only one person – after all, conflict doesn’t only occur when we are with others; it happens within ourselves as well.

I haven’t got all the answers to resolve the world’s conflict, but I would like to share what I have learnt about dealing with others’ conflicts and our own.

I have learnt that there are different skilful ways of dealing with conflict – consider when, where and how you should approach it. Always be open to the possibility of not dealing with conflicts as a way to deal with them. Sometimes, time is the best healer, and letting raw flaming emotions subside may be the answer on its own. If action is required, don’t be afraid to take it.

When you decide to act, consider your intention. Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling or thinking because you want to be understood? Do you prefer to leave emotions and feelings out of it and towards resolving the issue? Is the conflict your problem, the recipient’s problem, or both? Are you trying to gain something for yourself, or to help the recipient, or both? Try to be as neutral and honest when answering these questions. Really, do you want to resolve the conflict for your sake, or that of others? Depending on your answer, it will change your approach to the conflict.

You should also think about whether you are ready to deal with the conflict. This requires an honest reflection about yourself and your capacity. If all goes well, that is good. But if the conflict is not resolved, or is exacerbated, will you be ready to deal with any consequences. If your actions are merely to prove your point, are you ready for the recipient to speak his or her mind about your possible contribution to the conflict?

Choose a suitable time to do it; consider not only your mood, but the receiver’s mood. The best time isn’t when you need to talk, it’s also when the receiver is open to listen to you talk. You may need to drop a hint to the receiver that you want to discuss something important with them by scheduling a time to speak to them. This would give the receiver some time to collect their thoughts, without feeling like they have just been sprung upon and immediately bring up their defensive shields.

It’s important to create a ‘space’ to resolve the conflict. Often moving away from the immediate battleground to a neutral environment helps, such as in a park over coffee or in a restaurant over lunch. You may want a place with minimal distractions, or if you’re afraid the talk won’t go well, you may find a place where distractions are around in case you need to change the topic. You may choose somewhere more comfortable, such as at the receiver’s home if that is what the receiver prefers. You may decide somewhere more formal may be required if you’re trying to negotiate with someone on uneven grounding.

The ‘space’ that you create is not merely the physical environment. It is the presence that you give to the receiver when they are with you. For example, sometimes you may see couples in a world of their own as they sit for hours in a busy and noisy restaurant, oblivious to the mad rush around them. That is the space they have created for themselves.

Self-awareness is key. You need to know how the conflict has come about (whether you have contributed to it as well), how you want it to be resolved, and what you want the recipient to do in order for a resolution to take place. So often we just want to complain and make the recipient feel bad for what they have done as punishment, but if the recipient asked us what could be changed, we cannot answer them.
Just as important is an appreciation of the recipient’s motivations, and an objective assessment of their actions and how their actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes we may start accusing the recipient of a particular intent or the way they act towards us, only to hear an explanation that makes us pause and reflect on how absurd our interpretations of their actions have been.

Flowing on from this is an understanding of the conflict itself. One question that a lot of people don’t ask because they too readily assume the answer is: what is the actual conflict? Many of my clients say they want something, but when I talk through the practicalities of what they want, they realise that’s not what they want at all. We can then discuss the different options in getting what they really want, and seeing whether the other party would agree to the new option.

To give a more concrete example, I remember doing a particular exercise during my mediation training. Group A was given a sheet of paper with what they wanted. Group B was given a different piece of paper with what they wanted. They were then asked to negotiate to get what they want. The groups then commenced negotiating on the number of eggs they should receive from the other. Of course, the groups got nowhere because there was no middle group since they were just negotiating on numbers. The best outcome they thought they could get was a 50/50 split. No one looked outside the square. No one asked the other group the crucial question: what did you want the eggs for. If they did, they would have realised that Group A needed the egg whites for a secret formula, and Group B needed the egg yolks for their special recipe. If they had asked, then they would realise that there really was no conflict at all, and both parties could have left with getting 100% of what they wanted; not just 50%.

To take a real life example, it is not uncommon for separated parents to fight over the frequency each parent gets to see the kids. At first glance, it seems as if the parties are fighting over numbers – the number of days. However, every case presents a different reason as to why one parent justifies why the other parent should have more/ less time. In one case, for example, the other parent would not budge on increasing the number of days my client was to see the children. It was only after some discussions that it became clear to me that it had to do with the cost of sending the children to see the other parent. When I suggested that both parties share in the transportation costs, it was a like a breath of fresh air and the negotiations were renewed with much success.

Another analogy I use is about trying to divide a pie. When you look at a pie, you can really only split it in so many ways. However, another way to look at it is to see that this is only one pie. Then I start exploring other options to get another pie to be split.

Another aspect of understanding conflicts is to remember that often in a conflict, what is said and what is meant are two different things. This is particularly true if the conflict is emotionally-charged. Some people may say they want what’s best for their kids, but really they just want to hurt their ex-partner for running off with another wo/man. Without dealing with the underlying issue, any resolution may be superficial, or even unworkable.

Some issues/ people may need you to tackle the issue side on, rather than front on. A well-known method of mediation is to look to any agreements between the parties, and use that as a basis for further discussion. This is a much better starting point that encourages fruitful and amicable discussions, than to start with all the things the parties don’t agree upon. I have seen how even the most stubborn party would come around when I offer something that even they want, without compromising the needs of my client. This requires some creativity in thinking of different solutions/ options beyond just what was initially placed on the table.

Finally, please don’t lose sight of the real antidote to conflict: harmony. Harmony and making peace with others is underestimated in these modern times of practicality and efficiency. Yet, they are so important to a workable world – whether it is the world as a whole, or our microscopic family or office unit. Sometimes by refocusing away from our immediate and self-centred goals and look to the greater good instead, we can place our conflict into its proper perspective and make sense of the situation for us. In all of this, try to humanise the people who you perceive to be your ‘opponent’ in the conflict. Once you dehumanise them, any negotiations and settlement that you come to will be degraded.

So now whenever conflict visits my life, I like to see it as me being in a situation of conflict, but not in a conflict with others.

As for conflicts with ourselves, the same themes of understanding, honesty, harmony and humanity apply. We deserve peace and happiness. We deserve to be understood and given the benefit of the doubt. Like the conflict with others, the resolution of the conflict within ourselves start and end with one person…ourselves.

I wish you all harmony within and without.

Mindfulness and Multitasking

Before I embark on this topic, I first want to introduce some terms, and the best way is by way of an example.

If you are you reading this article whilst chewing your meal, listening to music, or chatting online with friends, you are multitasking right now. If you have to read this sentence again because your mind has already wondered off somewhere else, then you were distracted. Finally, if you are fully here reading this article, then that is mindfulness.

I think this is an important distinction because in the literature I have read so far on the topic many writers have mixed up multitasking and mindless distractions, and then implied that multitasking is “bad”, while mindfulness is good. To them, multitasking and mindfulness can’t go together hand in hand.

Being Present

When I was a first-year law student, I recall sitting in the classroom listening to my lecturer whilst I madly scribbled down notes like everyone else around me. Then one day, the lecturer said to us, “For today, I want you all to put your pens down and just listen to me.” Throughout the class, there was no writing allowed. I remember a slight anxiety creeping up as I kept thinking to myself, “How am I going to remember all of this?” I looked around me and saw other people fidgeting too. One girl even reached out for her pen, only to drop it down sheepishly after she got a “look” from the lecturer.

It took a while, but eventually I just listened. Surprisingly, it took a lot more effort than I thought would be needed to just listen, because my mind would wander and I had to continuously bring it back into the classroom to really focus my mind on what the lecturer was saying. I had to understand what she said, rather than just writing down her words. I had to appreciate each moment I was there because if my mind wandered away, I wouldn’t be able to follow her subsequent logic. After class, students were complaining and even I didn’t find value in it. I felt I didn’t retain much of the information, compared with when I was taking notes.

Then I graduated from law school and became a junior solicitor. One day, I went to court with an experienced barrister, and during his cross-examination, I was again scribbling like mad to ensure I got down all his questions and the witness’ answers. At one point, he kindly told me to put down my pen and just listen. So I did. This barrister got out very detailed information from these witnesses, including dates, times and places for when things happened. He didn’t write a single word down. At the conclusion of the case when he was addressing the jury, he recalled everything in great detail all the evidence to support our case. I was amazed.

Now when I run my own cases at court, I still scribble notes here and there, but the most valuable times are those when it’s just me being present with the witness. Not only do I recall the information later on, I also pick up on body language and the subtle facial expressions that I otherwise wouldn’t have seen if I was too busy scribbling away like mad.

When I reflect on it, I realise that my pen and paper are like my safety nets for fear that my memory will fail me, and they were like an anchor point so my mind doesn’t wander off too far. I now realise why it was so difficult for me as a first year student to just listen: I hadn’t trained my attention, memory and mindfulness. Over time, by exercising my attention and memory, and practising mindfulness meditation, I began to develop this invaluable skill of listening and being present to each moment that arises.

I won’t be surprised if readers find my ‘pen and paper’ story outdated, because by my last year of uni, pen and paper were steadily replaced by laptops. Laptops are probably a more difficult distraction to overcome than writing. Sitting at the back of the class, I can see students flipping between their Word Document and Solitaire game. (This is also before UNSW had wireless internet available to all students, so I can only imagine what students do now.)

When I was studying, I would find myself just checking my email, reading the news, chatting with friends – basically finding a distraction to occupy my mind each time I was bored. In my chill-out time, I would be able to chat to three different people at once online, reply to my emails, pay bills online, and sometimes even clean my room in the process, with music playing in the background. I used to think I was making the most of my time by multitasking.

Multitasking

If you look up the definition of “multitasking”, you will find that it is actually a computing term, in which the CPU executes various diverse tasks concurrently or in interwoven execution. A secondary definition of the term describes a person carrying out two or more tasks at the same time. So the term “multitasking” was first used to describe the function of computers, not humans.

I remember in my uni days I used to argue that humans were capable of doing a few tasks at the same time. Others would argue that the mind can only do one thing at a time. I still don’t have the definitive answer to this, but looking back I realise that we were actually disputing different things (typical bored students) and I now think both answers are essentially correct.

This is because I can do tasks simultaneously (multitasking), but when I do this, I am actually undertaking one task at a time in quick succession. So I am able to listen to the radio while I drive, and file my nails while on the phone. However if I slow down the processes, I can see that my mind is only attentive to one thing at a time. This became clear to me during meditation, when the level of distraction is diminished and the level of awareness is heightened.

With this view in mind, I don’t think that multitasking and mindfulness are at odds with one another. After all, multitasking has become a fact of modern life and as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, “There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.”

To illustrate this further, let me share a Zen story with you. A Zen master used to tell his students to be mindful of what they do, and his instructions are simply, “When you read, just read. When you eat, just eat.” One day when his students came down to the breakfast hall, they saw their Zen master reading the newspaper over breakfast. One horrified student approached the Zen master and asked, “Master, how can you read the paper while having breakfast? You always teach us, ‘When you read, just read. When you eat, just eat’?” The Zen master smiled and said simply, “When you eat and read, just eat and read,” and then went back to reading the paper over his breakfast.

Hindrance of Multitasking

Even though it is possible for multitasking and mindfulness to go hand in hand (and later I will discuss how mindfulness enhances multitasking), multitasking can become a hindrance to our mindfulness training in our initial training stages.

This is because multitasking hinges on jumping from one thing to another, and if this is done repeatedly, it becomes a habitual tendency. Our mind – which is very delicate – then is used to short bursts of attention before it moves onto the next object. We become less patient with what is difficult and boring. We become less-inclined to follow through with long projects to their end because we give up in search for something else.

In time, excessive multitasking and distraction–seeking can erode our ability to concentrate on one object at a time, and finally stillness becomes seemingly impossible to achieve. After all, stillness only comes if we allow the mind time to settle without attaching onto the next distraction to keep itself preoccupied. Lao Tzu once said, “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the mind is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

Mindfulness achieves more than Multitasking

If we think multitasking makes our life more fulfilling in being able to fit more into it, or make us more productive, then I think mindfulness practice is more effective in allowing us to achieve this.

When I am chatting online with three different people, the quality of the interaction is very different to if I was only talking to one. If I was reading a book with music in the background, the quality of my reading (or listening to music for that matter) is different to if I only read or listened to music. If I was racing down the motorway to get to my destination, I am likely to have missed the whole journey.

To me, it is possible to experience many things at once, but the fullness of each experience is lost. The subtle nuances of life aren’t heard, nor felt, nor understood. We race through life, without really experiencing it completely. In that sense, even if we fit more stuff into our day, what we get out of it is much less.

As an exercise, next time you are dining with someone, give them your whole presence and then take a moment to give your food your full presence. Observe any changes in the quality of your experience.

As for productivity, if we have too many things happening at the same time, we are likely to miss out on something or forget something. As the Buddhist saying goes, “When busy, go slow.” After all, when you are busy, you don’t have time for mistakes that are made by hasty action.

Why Mindfulness Practice is so important when Multitasking

Multitasking is life in the fast-lane, while meditation is a time for you to slow down and recuperate after a busy day of running around, physically and mentally. With a fresh mind, you are able to tackle the busy day that awaits you the next day.

Further, mindfulness practice is also about being aware of what is happening in this present moment and seeing things as they are (vipassana). Even if things are busy around you, you are neither subsumed in the workload nor drowning in your own anxiety or stress. So much of our mental energy and time is wasted on thoughts of self-doubt and unproductive mental chatter. Imagine if you could just watch the raving thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them – how efficient can you be! Externally, say studying, you can focus your whole presence on your studies, without being distracted by the internet or Facebook.

Finally, with the joy that comes from mindfulness, hopefully you can enjoy each moment of your life with equanimity and gratitude for all that is happening right now. Even studying! It takes a lot of favourable causes and conditions to allow you to have this time to study and learn, and pursue your life accordingly. So I hope each of us can fully embrace our mindfulness practice in our lives, so we can stop the computing process and become more human.

 AWAITING PUBLICATION IN UNIBUDS SACCA – WINTER/ SPRING EDITION 2011

(Word count: 1,900)

Know thy self

Will you take off that mask? Can you?

~γνῶθι σεαυτόν gnōthi seauton~

From the philosophers of Greece, to the astrologers of the ancient world, to the esoteric practices of India, to the modern day psychologists…the time-honoured search for who we are and why we are here has continued in different forms, but still left unanswered.

In our contemporary society, knowing thyself comes from reading Self-Help books, doing Personality Tests forwarded to you via email, reading your astrology profile online, and ticking forms that ask you for about your age, sex, marital status and the like.

We don’t think twice when people ask who we are; often we instinctively think of ourselves in terms of the roles we play in life, particularly our job position. If someone comes up to you at a party and asks you, “What do you do?” I would imagine most of us would answer our occupation, e.g., I’m a lawyer, I’m a student, “I’m not working at the moment.” That seems to be the socially-acceptable thing to say. If I answered with, “I’m a daughter and a sister to three brothers.” They’ll say, “That’s nice, but what do you do with your time?” In which if I said, “I talk to people all day, I teach whenever I can, I learn about everything that interests me, I counsel people when they are down and inspire them to continue doing the good things they are doing. I love to laugh, but know when to cry, I am passionate about life……” The person is likely to have walked off by then. One would get a similar answer if replying, “I’m a myrid of things depending on whatever circumstances I find myself in and whomever I am with. I’m a lover of life, and an observer of the world.” Wierdo…

So in our mad dash through life, we only have brief moments of reflection, and often don’t go anywhere near the core self. There are so many things obscuring our understanding of who we are, that our true identity becomes buried and forgotten.

Below I will outline some of the things obscuring our vision of who we are, and in the next blog post I will discuss the importance of seeing who we are, and how we can do this.

Obstacles to knowing thy self

1. False mirrors: it is usual that we rely on something exterior to ourselves to reflect back to us our self-image. These mirrors may take the form of a generalised personality analysis, or astrology reading, etc. It may even be the people around us reflecting back to us who we are. At times, these may be the only clues we have of ourselves, and sets a basic start to our self-discovery. However, these are always generalised and inaccurate. When it comes to others’ perceptions of ourselves, they are always biased and will only be a perspective of us that is tainted by their own preconceptions and feelings about us, as well as tainted by the image we have emulated to them about us. It is biased because our friends are likely to see the goodness in us, and our enemies exaggerate our faults.
2. The masquerade party of facardes: there are so many facets of ourselves, so many roles we play, and so many identities and fronts we put up to the world outside. In a way, we need to. We can’t show our true self all the time, firstly because we don’t know our true self, secondly because exposing our vulnerabilities to those who are untrustworthy could cause great detriment to ourselves and others, and finally, because a certain level of mindful restraint is required so we don’t act out of anger, ill will, greed, fear or delusion. However, with all the facardes we put up, how many of us are aware of them? How many times do we put them up and don’t (or can’t) take them off? How many of these facardes have merged into reality and taken by others and ourselves as who we are?
3. The greatest illusionist…is ourselves: The most dangerous lies are those which are closest to the truth, those taken to be the truth, and those which have become so embedded into our consciousness and perceptions that even we believe that the lie is true. We lie to ourselves all the time, whether subconsciously or intentionally. We see only what we want to see. We ignore vast amounts of information every day because it doesn’t fit into our paradigm of the world as we understand it. Likewise, we see ourselves in a particular way, and we choose people as our friends because they see us in that same light. We dismiss and dislike views contrary to what we believe of ourselves. Ultimately, we are the one who is the hardest person to convince of our own identity.
4. Playing hide and seek: Our identity and portrays of ourselves are in constant flux. It changes depending on who we are with, what we are doing, the circumstances we find ourselves in, the emotions and drives that are in play at that moment in time, and of course, the external mirrors and internal filters. When we feel we can lock down who we are, the self eludes us in a game of hide and seek. The more we grasp onto the self we saw, without acknowledging its ability to change and have its own agency, the further we are to acknowledging the ‘self’ as it is in that point in time.
5. Self-protection of our ‘self’: For those practicing Buddhists, you would be familiar with the Pali word anatta, translated as ‘non-self’. The greatest illusion created by the self is itself, and it protects this image for its survival. The Buddha had taught in the Anattalakkhana Sutta that the dependence of the ego on the myrid causes and conditions that brought it to fruition means that it is subject to change and impermanence. As it is impermanent, it is unstable and therefore lacking in consistent unity. That is, it is non-self. Ironically though, to understand non-self, it is vital to first understand the illusion of the self, so as to break through this illusion and our attachment to this fictitious self.

In understanding and seeing the above obstacles, we can start to unravel the security blankets wrapped around our ego. You may fear that in taking down the layers of self-protection, you will be exposed and left vulnerable. In my next blog entry, I will discuss the methods to doing so, as well as the reason and importance of breaking down the barriers blocking our true self from shining with confidence, acceptance, tranquility and love.

The Writing’s on the Wall

As I hang up the ‘big picture’, it covers the tiny cracks on my wall, and I now realise these cracks are insignificant after all.

When we stand too close to the wall that confronts us, we tend to get absorbed in the details immediately in front of us. We may get caught up in the tiny cracks in the wall, thinking with great exaggeration of the necessity to fix these cracks urgently before the whole wall comes crumbling down from the ripple effects of these cracks. We may become paralysed with fear as we stare blankly at the writing on the wall. We may become short-sighted in our focus, thinking that all that exists is the piece of wall that we see, forgetting how big the wall really is.

But if only we took a step back away from the wall – taking ourselves out of the immediacy of our environment, creating a space between us and the problem that confronts us – maybe then we can broaden our sight to provide a greater context for our perspective.

We may come to realise that the cracks in the wall are only minor and so localised it could never cause any great grief in the whole scheme of things; or we may see that the cracks could easily be fixed with plaster. As for the writing sprawled on the wall, a bit of brilliant paint would turn any pessimistic foreboding into a brighter and hopeful tomorrow.

Perhaps it can all be resolved by hanging the “Big Picture” on the wall, which would trump any crack and make it insignificant in comparison.

And if we have courage to step back even further away, we can see that the wall is but a part of a larger infrastructure, imprisoning us within its four walls of samsara (i.e., an endless cycle of birth and death).

After all, when we lay on our death beds reliving in our minds the life we have lived, what we would regret is not the fact that we didn’t fix the insignificant cracks and marks left on the wall. Nor would we reminisce losing the great wall that stood before us for so long and the four walls that kept us bound.

What we would – or at least I think we should – regret is never having understood the four walls that marked our existence, never explored the possibility of finding a door to lead us out beyond these four walls, and if found, never having opened that door to reveal the world of freedom beyond birth, sickness, old age and death – the four walls that bound human existence in which we cannot escape from.

Seeing this, how can we waste another moment longer staring at the wall in front of us?

The Four Sights that prompted the Buddha to journey in search for the truth

Blog News

A new poem written by Tina Ng has been published: The Visitor (2010)

Why difficult people exist (and shouldn’t be shot)

As a practising Buddhist, I’d like to think that I have kindness in my heart, goodness in my actions, and wisdom as my guide. I’d like to think I am someone who is loving, genuine, calm and…nice. I’d like to think that I bring happiness to those around me, and am a positive influence on those I meet. I’d like to think that I live each moment of my life with meaning and with right intentions.

But really, who am I kidding. I’m still an imperfect ordinary human.

This I knew, but I never really knew just how imperfect I am until recently when I was confronted by a real difficult person. This person really pushed my buttons in the worst way possible, is rude and obnoxious, unreasonable and immature. In short, she’s a bitch. All sorts of problems arise because of her behaviour, and these problems only compound the tension between this person and I.

Now I’m usually quite resilient to other people’s actions, and can see things from the other person’s perspective with great empathy. If someone upsets me once, twice, it’s ok. I can take it, shake it off.

But this time, the consistent bitchiness compounded with the fact that I have no idea why she treats me this way, has really challenged my dhamma practice. I can see quite clearly the anger and hurt that arises in me in response to her bitchiness, the frustration I have because there is nothing I can do that I haven’t already tried, and I think I am really starting to dislike her to the point where I can’t even muster compassion or genuine kindness towards her. It’s been such a long time since I’ve hated someone, I’ve since forgotten just how ugly this feeling really is and how difficult it truly is to send loving-kindness to someone you hate. Again, like other life experiences, this is truly a learning curve for me.

For the purposes of investigating this topic of difficult people, let’s dissect it objectively. Essentially I have found that a difficult person is difficult because s/he doesn’t conform to what we expect from him/her. We, of course, want people to accept us, to treat us with respect and kindness, to make life easier for us. However, this is not possible all the time, and therefore when they do not give us what we want, or expect, we then characterised these people as “difficult people”. In this way, they are not difficult as they are, they are difficult based on what our judgment of their actions are. We are the ones who label people as difficult, not themselves. So I guess the first answer to why difficult people exist is because of our perception: we see them as difficult.

Second explanation for why difficult people exist is because …  (drumroll!) they are our teachers and markers. Without this difficult person in my life, I would go on thinking that I am a kind person, and won’t have the motivation to expand my kindness. However, this difficult person has made me realise that anger, selfishness, pride, frustration and hatred are still emotions alive in my heart that I have yet to rid. This difficult person has tested me on my tolerance and compassion, and I have failed. This difficult person has challenged my comfort zone by pushing the boundaries, and now I am more aware of what makes me tick. So in that sense, I should be grateful for this difficult person, as without her, there would not be this dhamma realisation, nor the practice that follows from it.

I have always liked the following poem (which is also posted next to my bed), but now can truly relate to its meaning:

Be grateful to those who have hurt or harmed you,for they have reinforced your determination.

Be grateful to those who have deceived you, for they have deepened your insight.

Be grateful to those who have hit you, for they have reduced your karmic obstacles.

Be grateful to those who have abandoned you, for they have taught you to be independent.

Be grateful to those have hae made you stumble, for they have strengthened your ability.

Be grateful to those have have denounced you, for they have increased your wisdom and concentration.

Be grateful to those have have made you firm and resolute and helped your achievement.

So where to from here? It had crossed my mind to run away and not have to confront this difficult person again. However, no matter where I leave to, there will always be difficult people in my life. Not because there are a lot of difficult people out there, but because the defilements of my mind are still here. Until these are properly acknowledged and purified, difficult people would always have its place in my life, and peace will never settle in my mind.

Letting go of the one you love (3)

It’s interesting the words searched in Google that bring readers to my site. Today, the following search terms were made:

letting go of love	2
self-confidence	2
tina ng	2
songs about mums nagging kids to eat cer	1
space shots of earth	1
love and happiness quotes	1
buddhist prayer of protection	1
buddha and the four elements	1
chinese love poem	1
dreaming of a person you want to be	1

low self-esteem help	1
buddhism and letting go of love	1
knockout mice	1
tinlala	1
ashoka’s pillar	1
tina ng blog	1

Besides my name and searches about self-confidence, the most frequently searched term has to do with letting go of people we love. In fact, my two entries, Letting go of the one you love Part (1) and Part (2) are amongst the most popular of my articles. It’s indicative of the type of issues facing the world today. After all, attachment to getting or prolonging what we like but can’t have, and attachment to ridding what we don’t like, is the primary cause of our unhappiness. It is little wonder then, for those realising this truth, that the need to let go is the best solution to our problems.

Yet although we may see so clearly the need to let go, doing it is a completely different level altogether. No doubt you would have experienced at some point a need to let go of something. You may have all the reasons lined up to justify ending the relationship or habit, and yet when the moment of truth comes…you crumble and fall again into the trap of desire, security and excuses. You fail yourself, once more.

So…what to do?

If you’re expecting this entry to tell you the easy way out, I’ll tell you to get real. The truth is letting go is difficult, and the more you are attached to the thing, the more difficult the process of non-attachment is. And if you’re expecting to wake up the next day with all your attachments gone, disappeared overnight, you’re in for a rude awakening.

Despite how difficult it is, and how long the process could be, it’s not impossible and it’s not never ever. Another good news is the process of non-attachment gets easier each time. You learn from each experience. Each time a loved one leaves us, or a relationship breaks up, or a job lost, or a car stolen, it is an experience. Granted that the experience is unlikely to be a good one; it might feel as if the ground has been pulled from beneath our feet and we are left unbalanced, vulnerable and broken.

Yet slowly we come to terms with the situation, we come to accept it, we come to deal with it in whatever way we know how, because there is no other way. And it is through this trial and error process that we learn to deal with the emotional loss left in our lives. But through these losses we gain – we gain maturity in our approach to problems, wisdom in putting our priorities into perspective, and skills to deal with future losses.

People deal with their losses differently. Some like to be around company to comfort and support them. Others need solitude to think it all through without having to face external pressures. Some turn to external help such as counseling, charity work, or traveling. Some turn to nasty intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs, without properly facing up to the issue at hand. Some turn to internal soul-nourishment, such as prayer, meditation and self-reflection. Some of these techniques are long-lasting and gets to the core of the attachment, while others only provides temporary comfort by covering the attachment with further attachments (such as addictions to stimulants, or food and shopping!).

I have found that four things are needed for the recovery process towards truly letting go for good.

The first is time. With time, wounds are healed, hearts are mended and tears are dried. With time, the emotionally-charged views we hold may slowly change as we see the situation with better-adjusted eyes. With time and distance from the attachment object, we can move on. With time, you can’t rush, but be patient and have faith that things will eventually turn out ok.

The second is wisdom. With wisdom, you can truly see the situtation for what it is and for what the attachment is worth. With wisdom, you can put the attachment into perspective of impermanence – afterall, all conditioned things will come to an eventual end, what is the use to be attached to it? With wisdom, you can see that your decision to let go is correct, and that should strength your determination to do what is right.

The third is effort. With effort, you work towards fulfilling your determination or promise to yourself to let go. With effort, you can encourage yourself to continue on the right path no matter how tempting it is to return to the attachment. With effort, you can master the greatest difficulty of all.

The fourth and final factor is the one most people neglect. I have found this factor to be the primary difference between success and failure, between letting go superficially and letting go truly. And this factor is love.With love, you can turn anger to forgiveness, jealousy to well-wishing, greed to generosity, and selfishness to selflessness. With love, you can turn your focus away from doing what is best for you, to doing what is best for others. With love, you can do what’s right for the sake of other people’s happiness, and inevitably it will also be what’s right for yourself. With love, you will realise unconditional care. With love, you can find strength in times of difficulty and wavering. With love, you can do the unbelievable.

Life is full of challenges. A series of hurdles to be jumped, rivers to cross and mountains to climb. Yet with every hurdle jumped, that’s another leap forward. With every river crossed, that’s another drift closer to the great ocean. With every mountain climbed, that’s another peak conquered. When you’ve reached the highest point and look down, you wouldn’t be frowning at the troubles beneath your feet but you will be smiling with pride at what you’ve achieved. So even with your dying breath, you will be able to smile at all that you’ve achieved in life, not because they came to you easy, but because you strived and won. You won’t be able to take with you your relationships and possessions to your grave, but after so many rehearsals, you will be ready to let go for the last time – finally and ultimately.

The Rhythms of Life

I know my writings often revolve around Buddhism. But tonight I want to discuss about a Taoist concept of Wu wei. I won’t attempt to pretend I know the exact meaning of what it is, as to me I feel that like a lot of Taoist concepts, a precise definition of it would reduce it to a meaningless paradox. So I’ll leave it to the ‘experts’ at Wikipedia to explain it to you.

Though, if I may provide my definition, it would be this: it is where one thinks, speaks, acts and lives in accordance with the natural rhythms of life, rather than against it. It requires a level of wisdom to see the true nature of things, and the ability to work within nature’s flow. Similar to the Buddhist view of egolessness or non-self (Pali: anatta), the Taoist views the natural way as one which is not centred on the satisfaction and securing of the egoistic self. Our actions then are not harmful or selfish, but gentle and selfless.

No doubt you would have come across the famous analogy of the water flowing around the rocks of a running stream. The water gently flows down the stream without disturbing the rocks, but in time, the rock will eventually give way to the persistent force of the water. Often, we stressfully face the difficulties in our lives by hitting them head on, believing that the resolution lies in removing these problems – right now.

Another approach, though, is to skillfully maneouver around them with ease and without disturbance. This doesn’t mean avoidance. The water of the stream may flow around the rocks, but at times, it can flow over and above. It could slip gently between the crack dividing the rock and the dirt that supports it. Similarly, for some problems we may need to tackle them directly and overtly, dealing with the immediate superficial issues, while for other problems, we may need to get to the core to unravel the foundation upon which the problems have been allowed to fester. Patience is an essential element in all of this. Too often we get in too quick and give up too abruptly, without properly assessing the situation or allowing the conditions we have created to slowly take effect at its own pace. In our fast-paced instant-gratification society, it is little wonder why it would seem wu-wei would be an extremely difficult concept to practice. Yet it’s not.

A practical example of its application is people. People relations and its associated problem is a persistent issue since the dawn of civilisation. The Ego vs Ego battle is constant, as different (and stubborn) personalities clash. It is an inability firstly to properly understand the other person’s perspective, habitual tendencies or background. Second is inadequate self-awareness of our own perspective, habitual tendencies or background. Thirdly is the inmovableness of either one of these egos.

For example, at work you may have colleagues who are hot-tempered and then you have some who are pushovers. Your approach to both would obviously be different, and you will need to skillfully adapt your own habitual tendency to suit them for the harmony of the office. If you’re thinking, “Why should I have to change my habits to suit them?” That’s invariably just your ego arguing for affirmation of its worth. Just as the water won’t complain about having to flow pass the rocks, why should we get bogged down by needing to maneuver pass these personalities?

This can be similarly applied to your personal relationships, friendships, parenting, studying, working, and whole attitude towards dealing with change. Over time, you will feel so at peace with the world, that little would upset you. You can shrug at the niggly problems of life, laugh of the absurdity of life, and ride with confidence along the rhythms of life.

Ultimate Happiness

Trivia: What is the one thing that everyone – regardless of age, ethnicity, social background – is looking for? What is the primary universal motivating factor? What is the answer to the cliche question about the meaning of life?

The answer is so simple, we often miss it. What we’re all looking for is happiness, and the pursuit to get it becomes our motivation and purpose of life. The complication comes from the myriad sources of that happiness. Some find happiness in the relationships they have, the work they do, the things they have, the moments they live, or even just being the humble person they are. Unhappiness often rears its ugly head when we don’t get these sources of happiness, or when we get it and realise that it doesn’t fulfill our expectations of happiness.

Make no mistake that that house or car you want to buy will not give you lasting happiness. Nor will you find the perfect partner to satisfy all your needs.  Don’t waste your time looking for a job that allows you to enjoy every minute of it.

Pessimistic? Just realistic. If you’re looking for the perfect thing, person or moment to make happiness enter your heart, you’re looking in the wrong place, for the wrong thing.

Let’s investigate this a little further. Why is it that perfection doesn’t exist, or even if it did, loses its appeal? Why is happiness from these worldly things so shortlived? Why is it that love turns to hate, care into bitterness, and attachment into indifference?

The reason is IMPERMANENCE.

Things, people and moments are impermanent.

Feelings of like and dislike are impermanent.

Thoughts on worth and uselessness are impermanent.

All are subject to change.

You may have sleepless nights thinking about buying that house, car, dress, watch, etc…then you might see something better, or you get it and realise it’s not that crash hot after all. You get used to it, and the novelty wears off.

You fall in love, and without even realising it, you realise you’ve stopped caring. Or you fall in love with someone you’ve known for years but never had those feelings for them until now. What’s changed?

You set to reach a goal, and believe happiness is waiting for you there. Then you reach there and would rather take the exit out.

For those trekking along life without a thought of impermanence are shocked when impermanence visits. For those who are aware that impermanence will one day visit may also live with a fear or worry as they wait for its inevitable visit.

At the end of the day, it is the impermanent nature of all things that creates a tinge of sadness that underlies the time we have with these things. Whether we’re consciously aware of its existence or not, it is a threatening presence that exists to change the status quo we are so comfortable with.

This is the First Noble Truth of dukkha as described by the Buddha.

However, impermanence itself is not to blame nor the core source of our unhappiness – it is merely the way things are. All that is conditional would be subject to changes of these conditions. Why suffering exists is when we attach to the status quo, the way things are, the way we want our lives to be. This attachment defies impermanence, going against the natural ways of the world. We want to live forever without sickness or harm, or we wish that for the loved ones around us. We want to hold onto our worldly possessions, reputation, and relationships, for as long as we want them near. And we want to be able to let go when we want to, even if it’s not yet time.

This attachment, this thirst for what we want and craving to rid what we don’t want, is the Second Noble Truth.

Now we turn what may so far have been a pessimistic (yet realistic) view to provide a positive solution. If these conditional and impermanent sources of happiness creates ultimately a sadness in our parting with them, then the ultimate happiness must be free of conditionality and be permanent and stable. Is it possible? It is. Buddhist scriptures have defined this as Nibanna, Enlightenment, inner freedom, self-realisation, etc.

To find this state, the journey is one of practice and experience. The practice of the fourth Noble Truth of the Noble Eightfold Path. Also, you need to experience, investigate, contemplate, and go through some trial and error. It’s your journey, your thesis, your pursuit. Does this make you happy? Why or why not? How about this? Does this give you contentment? Why or why not? Does this add a burden to your heart, a worry to your brow, a stress on your mind? Why or why not? Does this make you shed tears of saddness or tears of wonder?

Ultimately, you should see the underlying commonality between the positive and negative states. Ultimately you will begin to ask yourself, “Have I had enough?” Ultimately you will start looking beyond these typical worldly sources of happiness to something more ultimate, one that makes your heart light with liberation, you smile bright with compassion and a life lived with understanding of what it really means to be happy.

Meditation by the Water

Last Saturday, I led a short meditation overlooking a peaceful stream in the Royal National Park. Thought I’d share a piece of the tranquility with you.

Breathe in, relax. Breathe out, relax.

Open yourself fully to the world around you, embrace the stillness of nature, and be present to this very moment.

Reflect on the calmness of the world beyond you, the sounds of nature, and the silent harmony that pervades the depths of the air you breathe in and out.

Now listen to the world that exists within you. Hear the clattering of your mind, the ceaseless talking to ourselves. See the patterns and habits of the mind – planning, scheming, calculating, judging, comparing, worrying, daydreaming. Note when it flies into the past of memories, reliving them again and again like an addiction to thought. Note when it chases after the future, trying to control time by planning and hoping.

But allow yourself to let all that thinking go, just for a moment. Reassure yourself, that even if you stop thinking for just a few moments, it’ll be ok. Give yourself permission to enjoy this moment, without calculating what you could be doing instead. Encourage yourself that you deserve this time out from the hectic life you lead, and the frantic thinking you are so accustomed to.

When the busyness of life becomes our norm, we forget the importance of stopping. We only know of going. Busyness becomes our life’s structure, and an excuse to be selfish. Busyness changes our priorities where worldly goals come before spiritual ones. Busyness makes us forget, that busyness is not a reality, but an attitude and way of life we have chosen to adopt. Sitting here, you get to choose again. At this moment, can you see this mentality of busyness? Will you choose to take it? Or will you choose to leave it?

Meditation is often neglected as last in our list of priorities. But it is when we are busiest, that meditation is most important to keep our stresses down and our energies high. I would encourage you all to practice meditation, to see the value of this practice, rather than a chore. And I hope this practice will continue, long after this session ends.

So let’s sit in quiet meditation for 10 minutes, so you can truly practice in your own way, whether it’s by focussing on your breath, on the water before you, or spreading metta to all living beings. Please adjust your sitting posture and find your inner peace.