How to Deal with Conflict

I deal with conflict every day. Professionally, I deal with other people’s conflicts, but I can’t escape from conflict in my personal life either.

Someone once say to me that conflict arises when you put more than one person together. I say, that conflict happens even when there is only one person – after all, conflict doesn’t only occur when we are with others; it happens within ourselves as well.

I haven’t got all the answers to resolve the world’s conflict, but I would like to share what I have learnt about dealing with others’ conflicts and our own.

I have learnt that there are different skilful ways of dealing with conflict – consider when, where and how you should approach it. Always be open to the possibility of not dealing with conflicts as a way to deal with them. Sometimes, time is the best healer, and letting raw flaming emotions subside may be the answer on its own. If action is required, don’t be afraid to take it.

When you decide to act, consider your intention. Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling or thinking because you want to be understood? Do you prefer to leave emotions and feelings out of it and towards resolving the issue? Is the conflict your problem, the recipient’s problem, or both? Are you trying to gain something for yourself, or to help the recipient, or both? Try to be as neutral and honest when answering these questions. Really, do you want to resolve the conflict for your sake, or that of others? Depending on your answer, it will change your approach to the conflict.

You should also think about whether you are ready to deal with the conflict. This requires an honest reflection about yourself and your capacity. If all goes well, that is good. But if the conflict is not resolved, or is exacerbated, will you be ready to deal with any consequences. If your actions are merely to prove your point, are you ready for the recipient to speak his or her mind about your possible contribution to the conflict?

Choose a suitable time to do it; consider not only your mood, but the receiver’s mood. The best time isn’t when you need to talk, it’s also when the receiver is open to listen to you talk. You may need to drop a hint to the receiver that you want to discuss something important with them by scheduling a time to speak to them. This would give the receiver some time to collect their thoughts, without feeling like they have just been sprung upon and immediately bring up their defensive shields.

It’s important to create a ‘space’ to resolve the conflict. Often moving away from the immediate battleground to a neutral environment helps, such as in a park over coffee or in a restaurant over lunch. You may want a place with minimal distractions, or if you’re afraid the talk won’t go well, you may find a place where distractions are around in case you need to change the topic. You may choose somewhere more comfortable, such as at the receiver’s home if that is what the receiver prefers. You may decide somewhere more formal may be required if you’re trying to negotiate with someone on uneven grounding.

The ‘space’ that you create is not merely the physical environment. It is the presence that you give to the receiver when they are with you. For example, sometimes you may see couples in a world of their own as they sit for hours in a busy and noisy restaurant, oblivious to the mad rush around them. That is the space they have created for themselves.

Self-awareness is key. You need to know how the conflict has come about (whether you have contributed to it as well), how you want it to be resolved, and what you want the recipient to do in order for a resolution to take place. So often we just want to complain and make the recipient feel bad for what they have done as punishment, but if the recipient asked us what could be changed, we cannot answer them.
Just as important is an appreciation of the recipient’s motivations, and an objective assessment of their actions and how their actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes we may start accusing the recipient of a particular intent or the way they act towards us, only to hear an explanation that makes us pause and reflect on how absurd our interpretations of their actions have been.

Flowing on from this is an understanding of the conflict itself. One question that a lot of people don’t ask because they too readily assume the answer is: what is the actual conflict? Many of my clients say they want something, but when I talk through the practicalities of what they want, they realise that’s not what they want at all. We can then discuss the different options in getting what they really want, and seeing whether the other party would agree to the new option.

To give a more concrete example, I remember doing a particular exercise during my mediation training. Group A was given a sheet of paper with what they wanted. Group B was given a different piece of paper with what they wanted. They were then asked to negotiate to get what they want. The groups then commenced negotiating on the number of eggs they should receive from the other. Of course, the groups got nowhere because there was no middle group since they were just negotiating on numbers. The best outcome they thought they could get was a 50/50 split. No one looked outside the square. No one asked the other group the crucial question: what did you want the eggs for. If they did, they would have realised that Group A needed the egg whites for a secret formula, and Group B needed the egg yolks for their special recipe. If they had asked, then they would realise that there really was no conflict at all, and both parties could have left with getting 100% of what they wanted; not just 50%.

To take a real life example, it is not uncommon for separated parents to fight over the frequency each parent gets to see the kids. At first glance, it seems as if the parties are fighting over numbers – the number of days. However, every case presents a different reason as to why one parent justifies why the other parent should have more/ less time. In one case, for example, the other parent would not budge on increasing the number of days my client was to see the children. It was only after some discussions that it became clear to me that it had to do with the cost of sending the children to see the other parent. When I suggested that both parties share in the transportation costs, it was a like a breath of fresh air and the negotiations were renewed with much success.

Another analogy I use is about trying to divide a pie. When you look at a pie, you can really only split it in so many ways. However, another way to look at it is to see that this is only one pie. Then I start exploring other options to get another pie to be split.

Another aspect of understanding conflicts is to remember that often in a conflict, what is said and what is meant are two different things. This is particularly true if the conflict is emotionally-charged. Some people may say they want what’s best for their kids, but really they just want to hurt their ex-partner for running off with another wo/man. Without dealing with the underlying issue, any resolution may be superficial, or even unworkable.

Some issues/ people may need you to tackle the issue side on, rather than front on. A well-known method of mediation is to look to any agreements between the parties, and use that as a basis for further discussion. This is a much better starting point that encourages fruitful and amicable discussions, than to start with all the things the parties don’t agree upon. I have seen how even the most stubborn party would come around when I offer something that even they want, without compromising the needs of my client. This requires some creativity in thinking of different solutions/ options beyond just what was initially placed on the table.

Finally, please don’t lose sight of the real antidote to conflict: harmony. Harmony and making peace with others is underestimated in these modern times of practicality and efficiency. Yet, they are so important to a workable world – whether it is the world as a whole, or our microscopic family or office unit. Sometimes by refocusing away from our immediate and self-centred goals and look to the greater good instead, we can place our conflict into its proper perspective and make sense of the situation for us. In all of this, try to humanise the people who you perceive to be your ‘opponent’ in the conflict. Once you dehumanise them, any negotiations and settlement that you come to will be degraded.

So now whenever conflict visits my life, I like to see it as me being in a situation of conflict, but not in a conflict with others.

As for conflicts with ourselves, the same themes of understanding, honesty, harmony and humanity apply. We deserve peace and happiness. We deserve to be understood and given the benefit of the doubt. Like the conflict with others, the resolution of the conflict within ourselves start and end with one person…ourselves.

I wish you all harmony within and without.

In-Decision

Life is often compared to a journey on a road with twists and turns, bumps and potholes. Unsurprisingly, on this road there are also crossroads in which a choice needs to be made. Some respond by continuing on with the road that looks less threatening, while others may take the road not taken before (like Robert Frost). Some may sit immobile staring at the choices confronting them.

We may need to choose between the known and the unknown; the profitable or the preferrable; the lesser of two evils; or even a choice between “me” vs “us”. Often, it is a struggle between the matters of the mind and that of the heart – the logical and rational conclusion created by the mind vs the instinctual tugs of the heart-strings.

In those times of indecision, we may experience feelings of helplessness, frustration, stress and worry. The more we attempt to gaze into a crystal ball to see the consequences of the choices before us, the more it seems to add to our frustrations because the future is uncertain and incalculable. After all, what we are doing is leaping into the future because we are dissatisfied with the present. Yet what we really need to look at is the dissatisfaction itself and whether a change will solve that dissatisfaction or whether it is intrinsic to us. On the other hand, if a change is required, we should be bold in discarding our security blanket as wallowing in self-pity and lethargy is equally toxic as the situation we are in.

So for those standing at the crossroad of life, give yourself the space to be present to the choices before you. The answer will come. Sometimes the choice may lead you to where you want to be, other times it may lead you to an even better place. It may lead you to a totally different path or even a dead-end. At least, you keep moving.

Don’t get bogged down by indecision and the anxiety for the future. A well-known Buddhist quote is “If you can do something about it, then do it. If you can’t do anything about it, then why worry about it?”

As for those who find themselves in a tricky ethical situation, I would like you to consider this dilemma:

You pass by a live fly trapped in a spider wed and you see the spider making its way towards the fly. Do you (1) rescue the fly, which means the spider would then lose its feed and go hungry, or (2) you leave the fly, which means it would get eaten by the spider.

This was an actual scenario at a Unibuds Summer Retreat at Wat Pa Buddharangsee a couple of years ago. I still remember that we had a discussion about this there, and a ‘senior’ Buddhist had said to me, “I think we should leave it as it is; we humans are always intruding in nature thinking we know what’s best. I believe that things will unfold the way it should.” The fly wasn’t rescued, but the question remained unsettled in the retreaters’ minds.

Later on, this scenario was posed to the speaker Rod Lee at a Unibuds dhamma talk. Rod’s view was that we should save the fly. He reasoned that where the spider may go hungry if the fly is gone, it will not die but can wait for the next sucker. On the other hand, the fly not rescued is sure to be eaten and that would be the end of him. As to what role we have to play in this interaction as a third party, Rod said that when we encounter a situation, then we have been made a part of that situation whether we like it or not, and therefore we should make a decision to act accordingly.

Come to think of it, the passive response of the senior Buddhist is filled with as much hubris as that of the ‘intruders’ she was referring to. After all, the view that if we do nothing then we can’t do wrong is merely our way of absolving ourselves of responsibility. In reality, however, we do have to make decisions and our ability to solve problems – particularly abstract problems – is what distinguishes us from other species.

So if you ever encounter a problematic situation in which your intervention is required (as opposed to where the best action is really non-action), you may choose to turn your back to it or leave it up to others to resolve – like leaving the fly to fend for itself or for someone to come along and save it. Or you may save that fly because you recognise that you are in the position to do so. This may come at an inconvenience or even sacrifice to you, but I am a real believer that with every sacrifice will result in an immeasurable gain.

Whatever decision you ultimately make, make no mistake that it will change where your path will take you, and equally important, it is a telling sign as to what your priorities in life are.

Thinking so, I hope this inspires you to move from indecision to place yourself in-decision: to be fully present to the decision-making process and to realise that you are a part of the decision whether you participate through action or lack of. After all, the world moves through the changes created by the individuals and their efforts.

Life is indeed a journey in which we are all travelling on. Although some may feel sheltered by the vehicles they are travelling in, the road will inevitable change to force one to walk on their own to feel the solid ground beneath their bare feet.

Y Generation Y needs 2 know Y

The grown up Baby Bloomers (BB)

I asked dad once why he worked. He looked at me like I was crazy and then seeing I was still waiting for an answer he said, “So you don’t starve and so you don’t have to live in the streets.” When I asked him why he worked as a chef, he replied, “Because that’s what I’m good at.” It seemed to me at the time that dad either had forgotten why he worked, or had identified with his job so much that there was no question as to why he did what he did.

When I asked mum why she worked, she looked at me like it was a silly question too. She wasn’t sure at first but eventually answered, “I work because it gives me something to do so I don’t sit around the house all day.”

Both my parents take pride in the fact that they work and is good at their work. It doesn’t seem to matter to them what they work as, as long as they do work and that they are good at it. And of course, that they get paid enough to support their family.

Part of this maybe because of my parents’ immigrants experience. Part of it may be a generational thing. In fact there are many in my dad’s generation, if you asked them why they worked it was to make money; if you asked them why businesses exist, they will reason that it is to make money. To them, their work is a means to an ends, a security blanket of the comfort of routine, income and their identity. To them, the furthering of self-interest is the norm, and social conscience is a joke told by unemployed hippies.

BB vs Gen Y

Then along comes a new generation, and I think it’s fitting that we are called Generation Y because we live our lives in a puzzlement of “Why?” as we question everything that we encounter.

We question Y things are done the way they are done, Y things are the way they are, Y we are the way we are, and Y things aren’t the way they should be.

To Baby Bloomers, this may seem like a threat to their authority and structured system, or it may just be plain annoying. Yet if the Y in Generation Y can be answered properly, Generation Y employees will prove to be not only useful to the business, but essential.

The advantages of the Y

It is inevitable that the bosses of Gen Y are from the BB era, and it is equally inevitable that the generational gap will cause conflicts within the workplace.

For one, the BB Boss is used to ordering work to be done – no questions asked. They believe that the staff is paid to do what they are told to do whether they like it or not. Their leadership is founded on fear and criticism, and respect for them comes from the authority that they assert. They expect their staff to sink or swim, and those who come out alright are worthy of their place. Their ideal workplace is one that is highly regulated and certain, where routine is important to create the stability of the firm. They like ideas that are tried and tested, and any risks that needs to be taken needs to be calculated and recalculated.

The pitfall but also the strengths of Gen Y, as we’ve already established, is that we question.  This inquisitive nature becomes a pitfall when we get bogged down in overturning the BB’s established structures (sometimes for the sake of change itself) without first understanding the ramifications of how these changes can affect a wider structure and the interdependent nature of the whole team of staff.

On the other hand, if the inquisition can be carefully received by BB Bosses, it could also lead to a fresh perspective on the operation of the workplace, as well as how improvements can be made. Gen Y are also able to provide valuable input as to the way the market is run, particularly if the target consumer group is Gen Y themselves. Finally, Gen Y are still youthful and hopeful. We are not yet jaded, are daring in our ideas and will follow through an idea if encouraged and steered in the right direction by our superiors. On the other hand, if Gen Y employees aren’t encouraged in the right way, they can become incredibly bitter and cynical in their approach to work.

Leading the Gen Y by responding to their Y

This leads me to my view on how important it is for BB employers to respond to Gen Y’s need to have their Y answered.

You may notice how many businesses in this decade attribute their success to their radical ideas, their socio-environmental ideals, and their employee-focussed ideology. To me, this is the upsurge in the influence of Gen Y. Where the BB employee asks, “What can I give to the business to keep my job?”, the Gen Y employee asks, “What can the business give me to keep me?” And a big fat paycheck may motivate some employees, but that in itself is unlikely to be enough to retain them for a long time.

It is perhaps this mentality that has led to the introduction of workplace policies such as “work-life balance” and the emphasis on mentoring and training of staff. After all, what Gen Y is interested in is gaining of experiences (and not just work experience in the traditional sense) and self-improvement.

I have come to see how Gen Y’s don’t need bosses to keep them in line; what they need are leaders to motivate them in the right direction. Importantly, the choice of leadership BB Bosses choose will ultimately determine the staff that they retain, and likewise, the Gen Y employee is likely to work somewhere that is aligned with their purpose of work.

To illustrate, let’s take the typical BB Boss whose way of retaining staff is through salary, and who portrays the primary (if not only) reason for his or her workplace is to make a profit. It is natural that the staff who are attracted to this workplace is for their salary or for some other self-interest goal. A good example of this are big corporations who treat their staff as nuts in their profit-making machine. To them, staff is dispensable, and hence the staff is unlikely to develop loyalty to the firm should their self-interest be compromised at a later date.

Now for those firms who can’t afford high-paying salaries, they still have an ability to retain qualified staff possibly accepting the work at a reduced income compared with what they can be earning elsewhere. This is because these firms are able to give to their employees something other than monetary remuneration.

This is where real leadership is required. Every staff works for a different motivation – even those in high-income jobs. If a BB Boss is serious in retaining quality Gen Y staff, throwing loads of money at them may not be as effective as answering the Y of the Gen Y, that is, the “why am I working here?” that the Gen Y employee asks everyday s/he is at work. Once that’s figured out, a BB Boss can then respond to that need either fulfilling it or creating avenues for it to be fulfilled.

For example, if what is important to the Gen Y is to self-development through learning the technical knowledge and experience of the profession, then the BB Boss should provide mentoring and training opportunities.

If the employee is interested in being a part of a bigger movement, for example, to be a part of the team that develops technology that changes the world (e.g., Apple, Google) or to devote their services to assisting the socially disadvantaged, then the employer should harness their altruistic enthusiasm to create an impetus to furthering the firm’s own goals.

At the end of the day, if the needs of the employee is simply too different from the goals of the business, then it would not be a viable working relationship in any event.

So all in all, us Gen Y’s aren’t so bad after all. In considering whether to hire one or not, I would say to BB Bosses, “Y not?”

* I note this is generalisations, and there are always exceptions. There are amazingly bold BB entrepreneurs, and incredibly lethargic and cynical Gen Y.

Further material

Simon Sinek talks about the importance of asking “Why?” in leadership and business generally. View it here.