How to Deal with Conflict

I deal with conflict every day. Professionally, I deal with other people’s conflicts, but I can’t escape from conflict in my personal life either.

Someone once say to me that conflict arises when you put more than one person together. I say, that conflict happens even when there is only one person – after all, conflict doesn’t only occur when we are with others; it happens within ourselves as well.

I haven’t got all the answers to resolve the world’s conflict, but I would like to share what I have learnt about dealing with others’ conflicts and our own.

I have learnt that there are different skilful ways of dealing with conflict – consider when, where and how you should approach it. Always be open to the possibility of not dealing with conflicts as a way to deal with them. Sometimes, time is the best healer, and letting raw flaming emotions subside may be the answer on its own. If action is required, don’t be afraid to take it.

When you decide to act, consider your intention. Do you want to discuss how you’re feeling or thinking because you want to be understood? Do you prefer to leave emotions and feelings out of it and towards resolving the issue? Is the conflict your problem, the recipient’s problem, or both? Are you trying to gain something for yourself, or to help the recipient, or both? Try to be as neutral and honest when answering these questions. Really, do you want to resolve the conflict for your sake, or that of others? Depending on your answer, it will change your approach to the conflict.

You should also think about whether you are ready to deal with the conflict. This requires an honest reflection about yourself and your capacity. If all goes well, that is good. But if the conflict is not resolved, or is exacerbated, will you be ready to deal with any consequences. If your actions are merely to prove your point, are you ready for the recipient to speak his or her mind about your possible contribution to the conflict?

Choose a suitable time to do it; consider not only your mood, but the receiver’s mood. The best time isn’t when you need to talk, it’s also when the receiver is open to listen to you talk. You may need to drop a hint to the receiver that you want to discuss something important with them by scheduling a time to speak to them. This would give the receiver some time to collect their thoughts, without feeling like they have just been sprung upon and immediately bring up their defensive shields.

It’s important to create a ‘space’ to resolve the conflict. Often moving away from the immediate battleground to a neutral environment helps, such as in a park over coffee or in a restaurant over lunch. You may want a place with minimal distractions, or if you’re afraid the talk won’t go well, you may find a place where distractions are around in case you need to change the topic. You may choose somewhere more comfortable, such as at the receiver’s home if that is what the receiver prefers. You may decide somewhere more formal may be required if you’re trying to negotiate with someone on uneven grounding.

The ‘space’ that you create is not merely the physical environment. It is the presence that you give to the receiver when they are with you. For example, sometimes you may see couples in a world of their own as they sit for hours in a busy and noisy restaurant, oblivious to the mad rush around them. That is the space they have created for themselves.

Self-awareness is key. You need to know how the conflict has come about (whether you have contributed to it as well), how you want it to be resolved, and what you want the recipient to do in order for a resolution to take place. So often we just want to complain and make the recipient feel bad for what they have done as punishment, but if the recipient asked us what could be changed, we cannot answer them.
Just as important is an appreciation of the recipient’s motivations, and an objective assessment of their actions and how their actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes we may start accusing the recipient of a particular intent or the way they act towards us, only to hear an explanation that makes us pause and reflect on how absurd our interpretations of their actions have been.

Flowing on from this is an understanding of the conflict itself. One question that a lot of people don’t ask because they too readily assume the answer is: what is the actual conflict? Many of my clients say they want something, but when I talk through the practicalities of what they want, they realise that’s not what they want at all. We can then discuss the different options in getting what they really want, and seeing whether the other party would agree to the new option.

To give a more concrete example, I remember doing a particular exercise during my mediation training. Group A was given a sheet of paper with what they wanted. Group B was given a different piece of paper with what they wanted. They were then asked to negotiate to get what they want. The groups then commenced negotiating on the number of eggs they should receive from the other. Of course, the groups got nowhere because there was no middle group since they were just negotiating on numbers. The best outcome they thought they could get was a 50/50 split. No one looked outside the square. No one asked the other group the crucial question: what did you want the eggs for. If they did, they would have realised that Group A needed the egg whites for a secret formula, and Group B needed the egg yolks for their special recipe. If they had asked, then they would realise that there really was no conflict at all, and both parties could have left with getting 100% of what they wanted; not just 50%.

To take a real life example, it is not uncommon for separated parents to fight over the frequency each parent gets to see the kids. At first glance, it seems as if the parties are fighting over numbers – the number of days. However, every case presents a different reason as to why one parent justifies why the other parent should have more/ less time. In one case, for example, the other parent would not budge on increasing the number of days my client was to see the children. It was only after some discussions that it became clear to me that it had to do with the cost of sending the children to see the other parent. When I suggested that both parties share in the transportation costs, it was a like a breath of fresh air and the negotiations were renewed with much success.

Another analogy I use is about trying to divide a pie. When you look at a pie, you can really only split it in so many ways. However, another way to look at it is to see that this is only one pie. Then I start exploring other options to get another pie to be split.

Another aspect of understanding conflicts is to remember that often in a conflict, what is said and what is meant are two different things. This is particularly true if the conflict is emotionally-charged. Some people may say they want what’s best for their kids, but really they just want to hurt their ex-partner for running off with another wo/man. Without dealing with the underlying issue, any resolution may be superficial, or even unworkable.

Some issues/ people may need you to tackle the issue side on, rather than front on. A well-known method of mediation is to look to any agreements between the parties, and use that as a basis for further discussion. This is a much better starting point that encourages fruitful and amicable discussions, than to start with all the things the parties don’t agree upon. I have seen how even the most stubborn party would come around when I offer something that even they want, without compromising the needs of my client. This requires some creativity in thinking of different solutions/ options beyond just what was initially placed on the table.

Finally, please don’t lose sight of the real antidote to conflict: harmony. Harmony and making peace with others is underestimated in these modern times of practicality and efficiency. Yet, they are so important to a workable world – whether it is the world as a whole, or our microscopic family or office unit. Sometimes by refocusing away from our immediate and self-centred goals and look to the greater good instead, we can place our conflict into its proper perspective and make sense of the situation for us. In all of this, try to humanise the people who you perceive to be your ‘opponent’ in the conflict. Once you dehumanise them, any negotiations and settlement that you come to will be degraded.

So now whenever conflict visits my life, I like to see it as me being in a situation of conflict, but not in a conflict with others.

As for conflicts with ourselves, the same themes of understanding, honesty, harmony and humanity apply. We deserve peace and happiness. We deserve to be understood and given the benefit of the doubt. Like the conflict with others, the resolution of the conflict within ourselves start and end with one person…ourselves.

I wish you all harmony within and without.

Spring Cleaning the Home and the Heart

I never thought too much about spring cleaning until I had a real yearning recently to clean after months of living comfortably with the ‘stuff’ that was neatly stacked in strategic corners of my house.

It seems to me that animals weren’t the only ones who needed to hibernate and feel a need to store up during the colder months. Winter brought with it lethargy, depression and…hoarding.

Spring Cleaning the Home

Then spring comes. There’s something magical about the first few days of spring. Like the light at the end of a tunnel, the warm sunshine brings relief to the months and months of winter chills. The sun cheers up our moods, energises us out of hibernation, and opens our doors to the adventures of the great outdoors again. It makes us see the world in a different light – including our own homes.

So with much enthusiasm, I diligently went through each pile and each piece, rearranging things into their new homes or throwing them out if they were no longer needed. There were times when I hesitated and asked myself, “Should I, or shouldn’t I?” However, after seeing the piles of stuff I had kept “just in case” I might use it one day, but then not really using it anyway, I realised that if I hadn’t used it in the last six months, I wasn’t going to use it ever.

If I chose to keep a particular item, I would store it somewhere to create that sense of order. If I chose to throw something out, then I would do so without hesitating.

Surprisingly, each time I decided to throw something out, I actually felt glad to be ridding it from my life. I didn’t feel a sense of loss, but more of a sense of lightness. After all, the material clutter that surrounds us translates to a mental clutter within us.

Spring Cleaning the body, mind and spirit

Reflecting on this experience of letting go of the unwanted things in my life, I can see that we carry so much useless ‘stuff’ with us wherever we go.

Our bodies are in a continual state of tension and tiredness from the stress that we impose on it. I believe that many of us have forgotten what our bodies feel like when it’s truly relaxed because we have become so used to it in its tense state.

Our minds hold a lot of ‘stuff’ too – worries, fears, anxieties, daydreams, memories (good and bad), and that voice in our heads that is forever commenting and judging.

Finally, our hearts become a safe filled with hardened emotions and emotional baggage, some of which we may have even forgotten we deposited in there until it shocks us when it decides to resurface.

How to clean within

We can use the same clearing process of the physical home with our inner home.

We need to take it one piece from one pile at a time. We can start with any recurring thoughts or feelings that we do not find useful, or even harmful. We need to begin by seeing those thoughts or feelings objectively, because we can never clear anything if we still see it as ‘ours’. You then need to make a conscious choice: ‘Do I want to keep this, or do I want to throw it away?’

If you decide to keep it, then at least you know you have made this choice and you can then ‘store’ it in a place that is comfortable for you. If you decide to throwing it away, then you can visualise yourself letting it go with a triumphant smile. If it helps, you can even write it down what you are trying to rid and then erasing it or throwing the piece of paper away as a symbol of discarding those useless thoughts or emotions.

Surprisingly, we don’t only hoard material things ‘just in case’ we use them one day; we also attach onto a lot of emotions and thoughts in the same way as well. For example, we may hold onto a particular expectation or hope, believing that if we don’t then we would lose sight of our goal or lose our motivation. We may hold onto memories, for fear that should we stop replaying the scene in our heads, the moment would be lost forever. Memories, thoughts, emotions, play an important in our lives. However, if they begin to overcrowd our lives, then it’s a sure sign we need a spring cleaning to de-clutter.

Finally, one of the reasons I need to throw things out is because if I don’t, then I won’t have enough space to bring in anything new. In fact, by being conscious of the limited storage space at home, I become more mindful and vigilant in what I decide to buy. So before I make any impulse buys, I ask myself whether it’s needed and whether I am willing to sacrifice valuable storage space for this item.

Likewise, people fall into an emotional rut or an endless daydream when they are stuck in their old thinking styles. Until they can alter their way of thinking and open up their hearts to change, then it is difficult for anything new to enter into their lives in a profound and moving way. If we can think in this way, the next time that we choose to keep a particular thought pattern or negative emotion, we can consider what valuable space we are sacrificing that could be used to accommodate positivity instead.

Then, like a breath of fresh air in an early spring morning, we can experience a piece of calm and lightness, where our burdens no longer hold us down.

The Quarter-Life Crisis Rain Pour

“It’s not about who is or isn’t in your life but how you relate to them;

It’s not about what is or isn’t in your life but how you relate to it;

It’s not about what will or won’t but what you do with what is.”

- Tina Ng

For months, I walked around with brooding clouds hanging over my head. It clouded my perception, and enveloped me with a thick uncertainty and misery that made me doubt myself and my life direction. When I was in the thicket of the rapidly-forming clouds, I didn’t realise just how embroiled I became in it all and how deeply unhappy I was with what I was doing with my life.

It began with few bad cases at work, a few betrayals and a few too many seeming failures in helping people help themselves. This snowballed into a long reflection on whether this is what I want to devote my life to. After all, what is the point of helping those who simply don’t want to help themselves and who bite the hand that feeds them? All this was coupled with watching all my friends doing jobs that seemed less stressful yet earn many times my salary. I began to think, well if I’m no longer in it for the passion, maybe I should start thinking about being in it for the money? My fishing line of thoughts was thrown deeper into the future: what can I do with this life to make it a meaningful one, one that I can be proud of when I look back one day to be able to say that this truly was a life well-lived?

Ironically, as I went through this process, feeling utterly alone and not understood, I realised that I wasn’t the only one who was going through these clouds of thoughts – I have friends who had gone through this ‘phase’ and even some going through it right now. I was told I’m just going through a quarter-life crisis, which is the Gen Y version of the mid-life crisis. I even looked up the definition online, but it didn’t seem to apply to me at all. It did, however, make me think about this whole quarter-life crisis phenomenon. Of course, I’m no expert in it all, but I think the quarter-life crisis has come about because this generation has the freedom to choose from seemingly endless possibilities, as well as the luxury to pursue these possibilities that aren’t based on simply choosing the job that puts the food on the table (hence so many Gen Y’s still live with their parents and are more focused on social development and travel). Our most recent ancestors only had this luxury when they got to their late 40s – 50s after a long life of hard work, and hence their existential crisis only occurred when they were in their mid-life. That may also explain why Gen Y’s quarter-life crisis takes them travelling overseas, while Baby Bloomers’ mid-life crisis takes them travelling in convertibles with the roof down blowing what hair remains on his/ her head.

Looking deeper still, I realised that these ‘crises’ were brought about by two things: the power of choice coupled with a deep sense of dissatisfaction and discontentment for the present. Now I’m not talking about discontentment with the superficial and material; often these people are in quite a comfortable position in their lives to be able to act upon choices that don’t involve money/ survival as its focus. The discontentment I’m talking about goes to the very core of one’s being, the heart of one’s life. The Baby Bloomer races down the freeway in a flashy sports car because he thinks, “What the hell, life is short, I’ve worked so hard all my life, this is my turn to live.” Similarly, the Gen Y travels around the world thinking, “What the hell, life is short, I’ve got the rest of my life to work like a dog, now while I’m young is the best time to live.”

It is true. Life is short. In a roundabout way trying to find their core, find their home that gives them real happiness, these people deal with their crisis by living life in its moments. Others find their way through other avenues, but I think (and remember I’m no expert at this) at its very essence these crises exist because these people begin to appreciate their mortality and the urgency in making the most of this life.

As for me, I didn’t rush out and buy a sports car or travel three times around the world to find myself. But I did look within in an honest moment of reflection to figure out what all this angst was all about.

In my meditation, I watched the clouds hanging overhead, and I watched the way they gather and the way my thoughts stir them up. I watched how my mind schemed to try to find its way to a clear day (and a new job) and how turbulent my emotions were in response to all of this. Then it rained. It poured. I realised that I could not fully control how my future would be shaped, which was something I had been trying to do in my way to create direction for my life. I felt hopeless, and I felt the spark that always kept me going through difficulties extinguished by the rain.

If you’ve ever watched rain fall, you would realise that ever drop is unique: it has its own shape, own speed, own direction in its drop to the ground. If you ever just sit until the rain stops, you can hear a profound silence that rings so loud.

That rain that poured on me was like that. It seemed like the thoughts were just streaming through in an endless barrage to find a solution. But each thought, like each rain, was a singular thought with its own quality, its own direction, its own nature. It was only when I stopped the chain of ruminating thoughts that the rain finally stopped, and the profound silence ensured. In that silence, the answer came, not in words, not in thoughts, not in pellets of rain. A sense of knowing that made so much sense to me. I still can’t verbalise what the answer is, but yet I know the answer so well.

So I haven’t quit my job. I haven’t given up. I haven’t become just another jaded worker. In fact, externally, I haven’t really done anything different.

Yet internally, I have moved mountains and slowly the sun shines through the thinning clouds.

I don’t know what the future will hold. I can’t be sure that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But you know what? It doesn’t matter.

At least I can say that at each moment, I know exactly what I am doing and I’m finding meaning in it. Sure I might not be able to help everyone, but that’s an impossible aim anyway. Sure I am in the line of fire and need to protect myself from the very people I reach out to help, but that’s just about being smarter in my interactions. And sure I’m not going to be a millionaire, but I’m hopeful that I will have a million reasons to smile one day and know that I have lived a life well lived.

The Rhythms of Life

This blog is not deserted! I know it’s been about three months since my last post, but rest assured, dear readers, I’ve still been writing in the meantime.

I’m pleased to announce that some of the pieces posted on this blog have inspired me to collate them with some new stories and poems into a book, which I have entitled “The Rhythms of Life”. It has been quite the journey, each story like a small part of me being shared with the world. There’s been some writings that didn’t make the final cut because I didn’t feel they met the required standard to be published, and more importantly, because they didn’t fit in the whole book, which I have arranged by themes. So instead, I will share them on this blog: Celebrating Clay and Mr and Mrs Wright.

I anticipate the book to be published sometime this year. Watch this space to get your own copy!

THE RHYTHMS OF LIFE

and other spiritual short stories and poems

By TINA NG

Here is a collection of stories and poems that portray the different rhythms that compose our dance through life. It is a creative expression of key universal themes from the Buddha’s teachings through stories, poetry and textual commentary. The themes explored are interdependency, impermanence, attachment, truth, practice and enlightenment. The creative pieces are thought-provoking, as the reader peels away at the different layers of meaning, finding potentially new depth each time the reader embarks on this journey within.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TINA NG was born in Hong Kong, but grew up in Sydney where she continues to reside. A lawyer by profession, she aims to apply the principles of Buddhist morality and practice to the field of family separation and child protection. As an English tutor for over 7 years and a Primary School scripture teacher, she has a real interest in educating the new generation to think widely and deeply about the life they lead. She is an active member of the Buddhist community, having been involved in organising monastery retreats, curating exhibitions, editing dhamma books, writing and performing in Buddhist plays, and even had her couple-of-minutes of fame on television. She gives dhamma talks and has been published in Buddhist and non-Buddhist publications. The Rhythms of Life is her first book, drawing on some stories she had written for her blog.

*Photo courtesy of Chiang Hiang

In-Decision

Life is often compared to a journey on a road with twists and turns, bumps and potholes. Unsurprisingly, on this road there are also crossroads in which a choice needs to be made. Some respond by continuing on with the road that looks less threatening, while others may take the road not taken before (like Robert Frost). Some may sit immobile staring at the choices confronting them.

We may need to choose between the known and the unknown; the profitable or the preferrable; the lesser of two evils; or even a choice between “me” vs “us”. Often, it is a struggle between the matters of the mind and that of the heart – the logical and rational conclusion created by the mind vs the instinctual tugs of the heart-strings.

In those times of indecision, we may experience feelings of helplessness, frustration, stress and worry. The more we attempt to gaze into a crystal ball to see the consequences of the choices before us, the more it seems to add to our frustrations because the future is uncertain and incalculable. After all, what we are doing is leaping into the future because we are dissatisfied with the present. Yet what we really need to look at is the dissatisfaction itself and whether a change will solve that dissatisfaction or whether it is intrinsic to us. On the other hand, if a change is required, we should be bold in discarding our security blanket as wallowing in self-pity and lethargy is equally toxic as the situation we are in.

So for those standing at the crossroad of life, give yourself the space to be present to the choices before you. The answer will come. Sometimes the choice may lead you to where you want to be, other times it may lead you to an even better place. It may lead you to a totally different path or even a dead-end. At least, you keep moving.

Don’t get bogged down by indecision and the anxiety for the future. A well-known Buddhist quote is “If you can do something about it, then do it. If you can’t do anything about it, then why worry about it?”

As for those who find themselves in a tricky ethical situation, I would like you to consider this dilemma:

You pass by a live fly trapped in a spider wed and you see the spider making its way towards the fly. Do you (1) rescue the fly, which means the spider would then lose its feed and go hungry, or (2) you leave the fly, which means it would get eaten by the spider.

This was an actual scenario at a Unibuds Summer Retreat at Wat Pa Buddharangsee a couple of years ago. I still remember that we had a discussion about this there, and a ‘senior’ Buddhist had said to me, “I think we should leave it as it is; we humans are always intruding in nature thinking we know what’s best. I believe that things will unfold the way it should.” The fly wasn’t rescued, but the question remained unsettled in the retreaters’ minds.

Later on, this scenario was posed to the speaker Rod Lee at a Unibuds dhamma talk. Rod’s view was that we should save the fly. He reasoned that where the spider may go hungry if the fly is gone, it will not die but can wait for the next sucker. On the other hand, the fly not rescued is sure to be eaten and that would be the end of him. As to what role we have to play in this interaction as a third party, Rod said that when we encounter a situation, then we have been made a part of that situation whether we like it or not, and therefore we should make a decision to act accordingly.

Come to think of it, the passive response of the senior Buddhist is filled with as much hubris as that of the ‘intruders’ she was referring to. After all, the view that if we do nothing then we can’t do wrong is merely our way of absolving ourselves of responsibility. In reality, however, we do have to make decisions and our ability to solve problems – particularly abstract problems – is what distinguishes us from other species.

So if you ever encounter a problematic situation in which your intervention is required (as opposed to where the best action is really non-action), you may choose to turn your back to it or leave it up to others to resolve – like leaving the fly to fend for itself or for someone to come along and save it. Or you may save that fly because you recognise that you are in the position to do so. This may come at an inconvenience or even sacrifice to you, but I am a real believer that with every sacrifice will result in an immeasurable gain.

Whatever decision you ultimately make, make no mistake that it will change where your path will take you, and equally important, it is a telling sign as to what your priorities in life are.

Thinking so, I hope this inspires you to move from indecision to place yourself in-decision: to be fully present to the decision-making process and to realise that you are a part of the decision whether you participate through action or lack of. After all, the world moves through the changes created by the individuals and their efforts.

Life is indeed a journey in which we are all travelling on. Although some may feel sheltered by the vehicles they are travelling in, the road will inevitable change to force one to walk on their own to feel the solid ground beneath their bare feet.

Y Generation Y needs 2 know Y

The grown up Baby Bloomers (BB)

I asked dad once why he worked. He looked at me like I was crazy and then seeing I was still waiting for an answer he said, “So you don’t starve and so you don’t have to live in the streets.” When I asked him why he worked as a chef, he replied, “Because that’s what I’m good at.” It seemed to me at the time that dad either had forgotten why he worked, or had identified with his job so much that there was no question as to why he did what he did.

When I asked mum why she worked, she looked at me like it was a silly question too. She wasn’t sure at first but eventually answered, “I work because it gives me something to do so I don’t sit around the house all day.”

Both my parents take pride in the fact that they work and is good at their work. It doesn’t seem to matter to them what they work as, as long as they do work and that they are good at it. And of course, that they get paid enough to support their family.

Part of this maybe because of my parents’ immigrants experience. Part of it may be a generational thing. In fact there are many in my dad’s generation, if you asked them why they worked it was to make money; if you asked them why businesses exist, they will reason that it is to make money. To them, their work is a means to an ends, a security blanket of the comfort of routine, income and their identity. To them, the furthering of self-interest is the norm, and social conscience is a joke told by unemployed hippies.

BB vs Gen Y

Then along comes a new generation, and I think it’s fitting that we are called Generation Y because we live our lives in a puzzlement of “Why?” as we question everything that we encounter.

We question Y things are done the way they are done, Y things are the way they are, Y we are the way we are, and Y things aren’t the way they should be.

To Baby Bloomers, this may seem like a threat to their authority and structured system, or it may just be plain annoying. Yet if the Y in Generation Y can be answered properly, Generation Y employees will prove to be not only useful to the business, but essential.

The advantages of the Y

It is inevitable that the bosses of Gen Y are from the BB era, and it is equally inevitable that the generational gap will cause conflicts within the workplace.

For one, the BB Boss is used to ordering work to be done – no questions asked. They believe that the staff is paid to do what they are told to do whether they like it or not. Their leadership is founded on fear and criticism, and respect for them comes from the authority that they assert. They expect their staff to sink or swim, and those who come out alright are worthy of their place. Their ideal workplace is one that is highly regulated and certain, where routine is important to create the stability of the firm. They like ideas that are tried and tested, and any risks that needs to be taken needs to be calculated and recalculated.

The pitfall but also the strengths of Gen Y, as we’ve already established, is that we question.  This inquisitive nature becomes a pitfall when we get bogged down in overturning the BB’s established structures (sometimes for the sake of change itself) without first understanding the ramifications of how these changes can affect a wider structure and the interdependent nature of the whole team of staff.

On the other hand, if the inquisition can be carefully received by BB Bosses, it could also lead to a fresh perspective on the operation of the workplace, as well as how improvements can be made. Gen Y are also able to provide valuable input as to the way the market is run, particularly if the target consumer group is Gen Y themselves. Finally, Gen Y are still youthful and hopeful. We are not yet jaded, are daring in our ideas and will follow through an idea if encouraged and steered in the right direction by our superiors. On the other hand, if Gen Y employees aren’t encouraged in the right way, they can become incredibly bitter and cynical in their approach to work.

Leading the Gen Y by responding to their Y

This leads me to my view on how important it is for BB employers to respond to Gen Y’s need to have their Y answered.

You may notice how many businesses in this decade attribute their success to their radical ideas, their socio-environmental ideals, and their employee-focussed ideology. To me, this is the upsurge in the influence of Gen Y. Where the BB employee asks, “What can I give to the business to keep my job?”, the Gen Y employee asks, “What can the business give me to keep me?” And a big fat paycheck may motivate some employees, but that in itself is unlikely to be enough to retain them for a long time.

It is perhaps this mentality that has led to the introduction of workplace policies such as “work-life balance” and the emphasis on mentoring and training of staff. After all, what Gen Y is interested in is gaining of experiences (and not just work experience in the traditional sense) and self-improvement.

I have come to see how Gen Y’s don’t need bosses to keep them in line; what they need are leaders to motivate them in the right direction. Importantly, the choice of leadership BB Bosses choose will ultimately determine the staff that they retain, and likewise, the Gen Y employee is likely to work somewhere that is aligned with their purpose of work.

To illustrate, let’s take the typical BB Boss whose way of retaining staff is through salary, and who portrays the primary (if not only) reason for his or her workplace is to make a profit. It is natural that the staff who are attracted to this workplace is for their salary or for some other self-interest goal. A good example of this are big corporations who treat their staff as nuts in their profit-making machine. To them, staff is dispensable, and hence the staff is unlikely to develop loyalty to the firm should their self-interest be compromised at a later date.

Now for those firms who can’t afford high-paying salaries, they still have an ability to retain qualified staff possibly accepting the work at a reduced income compared with what they can be earning elsewhere. This is because these firms are able to give to their employees something other than monetary remuneration.

This is where real leadership is required. Every staff works for a different motivation – even those in high-income jobs. If a BB Boss is serious in retaining quality Gen Y staff, throwing loads of money at them may not be as effective as answering the Y of the Gen Y, that is, the “why am I working here?” that the Gen Y employee asks everyday s/he is at work. Once that’s figured out, a BB Boss can then respond to that need either fulfilling it or creating avenues for it to be fulfilled.

For example, if what is important to the Gen Y is to self-development through learning the technical knowledge and experience of the profession, then the BB Boss should provide mentoring and training opportunities.

If the employee is interested in being a part of a bigger movement, for example, to be a part of the team that develops technology that changes the world (e.g., Apple, Google) or to devote their services to assisting the socially disadvantaged, then the employer should harness their altruistic enthusiasm to create an impetus to furthering the firm’s own goals.

At the end of the day, if the needs of the employee is simply too different from the goals of the business, then it would not be a viable working relationship in any event.

So all in all, us Gen Y’s aren’t so bad after all. In considering whether to hire one or not, I would say to BB Bosses, “Y not?”

* I note this is generalisations, and there are always exceptions. There are amazingly bold BB entrepreneurs, and incredibly lethargic and cynical Gen Y.

Further material

Simon Sinek talks about the importance of asking “Why?” in leadership and business generally. View it here.

The Writing’s on the Wall

As I hang up the ‘big picture’, it covers the tiny cracks on my wall, and I now realise these cracks are insignificant after all.

When we stand too close to the wall that confronts us, we tend to get absorbed in the details immediately in front of us. We may get caught up in the tiny cracks in the wall, thinking with great exaggeration of the necessity to fix these cracks urgently before the whole wall comes crumbling down from the ripple effects of these cracks. We may become paralysed with fear as we stare blankly at the writing on the wall. We may become short-sighted in our focus, thinking that all that exists is the piece of wall that we see, forgetting how big the wall really is.

But if only we took a step back away from the wall – taking ourselves out of the immediacy of our environment, creating a space between us and the problem that confronts us – maybe then we can broaden our sight to provide a greater context for our perspective.

We may come to realise that the cracks in the wall are only minor and so localised it could never cause any great grief in the whole scheme of things; or we may see that the cracks could easily be fixed with plaster. As for the writing sprawled on the wall, a bit of brilliant paint would turn any pessimistic foreboding into a brighter and hopeful tomorrow.

Perhaps it can all be resolved by hanging the “Big Picture” on the wall, which would trump any crack and make it insignificant in comparison.

And if we have courage to step back even further away, we can see that the wall is but a part of a larger infrastructure, imprisoning us within its four walls of samsara (i.e., an endless cycle of birth and death).

After all, when we lay on our death beds reliving in our minds the life we have lived, what we would regret is not the fact that we didn’t fix the insignificant cracks and marks left on the wall. Nor would we reminisce losing the great wall that stood before us for so long and the four walls that kept us bound.

What we would – or at least I think we should – regret is never having understood the four walls that marked our existence, never explored the possibility of finding a door to lead us out beyond these four walls, and if found, never having opened that door to reveal the world of freedom beyond birth, sickness, old age and death – the four walls that bound human existence in which we cannot escape from.

Seeing this, how can we waste another moment longer staring at the wall in front of us?

The Four Sights that prompted the Buddha to journey in search for the truth

The Real Victim of Self-Victimsation

Self-victimisation is the fabrication of victim-hood for a variety of reason, such as to justify the abuse one perpetrates on others, to manipulate others, as a coping strategy or for attention seeking.

Ironically, by playing the victim role, the ‘victim’ gains an unusual power, whether it is through illiciting sympathy from others (and even themselves), creating guilt and blame in the perceived ‘perpetrator’, or in externalising the control for their behaviour and circumstance so they do not feel they can do anything to change their behaviour or circumstance, and so they don’t.

Interesting enough, self-victimisation is also linked with bullying. The bully does not wish to see herself as one, and so takes on the victim role instead to either divert attention from their abuse on others or to justify to others and themselves the reason for why they act the way they do.

Over time, self-victimisation not only becomes a mentality the ‘victim’ adopts, but also becomes their identity.

For those who have the unfortunte experience of being the ‘perpetrator’ the ‘victim’ has chosen them to be, know of how frustrating it can be to prove their innocence so to speak.

In the victim’s mind, the need to justify herself is so overpowering that any information that contradicts her identity as a victim is immediately rebuked. In fact, the victim may actively seek information to sustain her status as a victim and the other as a perpetrator.

Linked with the victim mentality is a lesser version of it, what I call the “why me?” complex.

It is a self-centred mentality focussed on one’s own dissatisfaction compared with others, and one of hopelessness and negativity. It is where one thinks, “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why do I have to go through this?” The implied complaint may be “Why isn’t this happening to them too?” or “Why can’t someone else go through this instead?”

A further irony to all this is in order for those experiencing self-victimisation or the “Why Me?” complex to come out of this state, they need to see it for themselves, and yet it is precisely this inability for self-awareness that drives the victimisation process.

Unless this person has moments of self-reflection and honesty, the clarity to see things as they are, the ability to accept other’s impartial description of the situation and themselves, and the courage to see their actions and its consequences, then they are stuck.

Yet it is not an impossibility. I am a real believer that problems caused by our own mind can be resolved through the mind’s clarity, strength and persistence. If we got ourselves into this state of victimisation, then surely we can bring ourselves out of it. And for those who go around asking “Why me?”, perhaps you should reply to yourself, “Why not?”

Obstacles happen in everyone’s life, but the ones who come out on top are those who are able to face these obstacles, perservere and deal with them as they arise. Sulking in hopelessness is not an option in the real world.

As for those who are faced with those with ‘VICTIM’ written across their foreheads, don’t get sucked into their game, but don’t lose your compassion for them either.

After all, the real victim here is the ‘victim’ herself, wallowing in her self-pity, helplessness and manipulation. If someone needs to degrade themselves in this way to feel superiority and at ease with their life, they must be feeling really insecure. See this, and don’t take what she does to heart. She, like everyone else, is just seeking acceptance.

Making Compassion Cool Again

I know a lot of people think compassion is overrated and outdated; that compassionate people are pushovers, likely to be religious and most certainly insane to a certain degree. Compassion, it is often thought, can’t be sustained in this world of competition, egoism, and where the ends can justify any means. It goes against the way society works, and arguably also against our natural human tendencies to strive for survival over and above everything else. It is then concluded that if you want to get ahead in life, it’s competition over compassion, assertion over passivity, me over you.

Yet again and again compassion is the tried and tested method of success for me, whether it be in my professional or personal life. This is because underlying all human existence is our connection with other people. And the secret to connecting with those around us requires three things:

1. An understanding of “me”: self-awareness of how my mood, my behaviour and my personality affects the people who interact with me, and consequently upon myself;
2. An empathy for “you”: the ability for me to see things from your perspective (putting aside whether I agree or disagree with that view), to understand your motivations and attitudes that is non-judgemental or clouded by my own prejudices of you, and to genuinely care about your wellbeing and;
3. A respect for “us”: creating a connection to close the gap that separates us emotionally and psychologically.

Unfortunately, too often we are missing at least one of the above in our relationship with others, therefore creating a rift between ourselves and the other. As a consequence, we have unnecessary ills such as miscommunication, competition, alienation, disrespect, vindictiveness, power struggles and selfishness. It gives rise to negative and unproductive emotions, such as anger, jealousy, blase indifference, fear and other forms of negativity.

Yet if we truly understood what compassion is, we can see how important it is in building the rift between people. Compassion requires an ability to recognise and then empathise with someone else’s misfortune, and from there develop a genuine wish for that person to be free from that misfortune. Following from that, we should then act upon our compassion to do what we can to free that person from their suffering.

It is easier to practice compassion on those we like, and on those who are vulnerable.

It is harder to develop compassion for those we dislike, and for those who we believe has created their own suffering for themselves.

A good example of the former is young children. The suffering they bear is usually not because of something they have done intentionally and willfully. They get sick on their own accord; they get abused and have no ability to defend themselves; they get upset because they cannot understand the complex adult world they find themselves in.

An example of the latter is criminals. It is easy for us to see their crimes as the only attribute of criminals that we can understand and hence judge them on. It is so easy for us to forget that they are more than just someone who has committed a crime, that they are also a son to a mother, possibly a mother to a child.

To illustrate, I will steal one of Ajahn Brahm’s ideas. Have a read of the following poem, and guess who wrote it:

AN APPEAL FOR PATIENCE AND KINDNESS TOWARD ONE’S AGING MOTHER

When your mother has grown older,
And you have grown older,
When what was once easy and effortless
Now becomes a burden,

When her dear, faithful eyes
No longer see life as they once did,
When her feet, grown tired,
No longer want to carry her as she walks —

Then give her your arm for support;
Accompany her with gladness and joy.
The hour will come when, weeping
You will accompany her on her final walk.

And if she asks for something, then answer her.
And if she asks again, then speak.
And if she asks yet again, respond to her,
Not stormily, but with gentle calm.

And if she cannot understand you well,
Explain everything to her joyfully.
The hour will come, the bitter hour,
When her mouth will ask for nothing more.

So, who wrote this poem:

(a) William Blake (famous English poet)

(b) Ivan Milat (serial killer in Australia)

(c) Adolf Hitler (more than a serial killer!)

(d) Paul Lynch (current Minister for Aging)

If you guessed (a), you are wrong.

The correct answer is (c). Yup, although we often associate Hitler with the Holocaust (which killed between 11 – 14 million people) and WWII (the deadliest conflict in human history with over 70 million casualties), Hitler is less known for being a mummy’s boy. In fact, we may be more willing to accept him as a murderer, than to accept that he had a tender side and that what he did was in his eyes for the good of the Aryan people. I’m certainly not condoning what he did, but it is interesting how concrete our perceptions of people can be.

To come back to what I was saying earlier about developing compassion for those we dislike, let’s analyse why this may be so. At the core of our blockage is the space we have created between ourselves and the other person. I emphasise that the space is created by us, so don’t bother blaming the other person. Sure they may have done something to make you react this way, but it certainly is you who is maintaining this rift. This rift may then be filled with anger, hatred, jealousy, indifference, frustration, or other negative emotions in reaction to the other person. As a consequence, you have come to disregard the other person as a person, you have dehumanised them by seeing them as merely an embodiment of trouble, an obstacle to your peace and advancement, or an unimportant puzzled to be overlooked. You may also feel this way because you feel this is the only way to deal with them, or because it empowers you when you withhold your compassion for them. It may also be because you feel it is easier to understand the world in a black and white way, and changing your views about this person is simply too difficult (e.g., Hitler is bad FULL STOP. Don’t complicate things by telling me he’s a nice guy as well as being a bad guy).

Yet what I find again and again is that there is always a reason to be compassionate for someone who is suffering. If a person is being derogatory towards you, it is because they lack the self-confidence and fear to see you as their equal. If a person is being selfish, it is because they lack real contentment in their own lives and require the external world to provide them with comfort. If they are duplicitous, it is only because they are not comfortable with the person that they are. If they are stubborn, then they will never learn nor progress. If they don’t want to connect with you, then they are only left with loneliness. If they are rude and aggressive, it is only because they do not know tenderness and love. If they are arrogant and obnoxious, it is only because they have not been touched by the wonders of the world to be moved to true humility. If they are angry, jealous and full of hate, then they are burning in the fires they embody.

Seeing this, what other reaction can you have but to be moved with sympathy to extend your compassion to them? In doing so, any negativity you hold would naturally dissipate, as you realise that no amount of negativity you give to them would be worse than what they give to themselves. In releasing your own negativity towards them, you free yourself from the bonds of suffering too. In time, your empathy would close the rift between you both, even if it takes years, and even if that rift will always be visible. At least when the rift is close enough, you can reach over to give him or her a hug.

Compassion isn’t only for hippies and the religious. It is not something we should talk about but never do: it is the language of the modern world. In a world that emphasises so much on communication, sociable networking and our ability to work with different people from different walks of life, one would think that anything that would bring people together in a real and solid way would be embraced by society. There is no time in history when compassion is needed as much as now, and ironically, it is now that compassion is the most misunderstood. In essence, compassion isn’t going against the workings of the world; it is the way of the world.

A Mountain to be Conquered

I once stood at the foot of a mountain, and looked up at the enormous task before me. The top seemed an impossible destination; I didn’t even know where to take that first step.

“Go on,” my mother smiled encouragingly at me, “I know you can do it.”

“What have you got to lose?” My father chipped in.

“We’ll be right here to catch you if you fall.” My brothers sang out.

I took my first step. I slipped.

“Try again,” my family urged.

I did. I climbed and climbed. I looked down, they were still there giving me the thumbs up. I laughed, and continued on.

The more I climbed, the better I got. But now and again, a sharp edge or a large impediment would stop me in my tracks. I would try to figure it out on my own, but at times, I would just be stuck. Miraculously, there were always some other climber ready to help me through. All I had to do was ask.

Some climbers were also finding their way up, and their companionship was an ease from the tediousness, as well as a motivation for me to excel with my peers. Some climbers were experienced climbers who had already made it to the top, but who had the benevolence to climb back down to help those climbing up. While climbing, I promised myself that when I got to the top, I would always remember those who had helped me, and the lessons learnt from all the challenges I have endured and overcame.

Some of my fellow climbers continued with me for parts of the journey before we took our separate ways, while others stayed with me much longer.

The further I climbed, the better climber I became. I eventually surpassed those who had helped me, climbing faster ahead. I would linger a while, but we knew eventually I would have to leave them behind.

Days turned to months. Months to years. I watched the shades of the seasons envelope around me one after another in a ceaseless cycle of wonder.

Every so often I would stop to appreciate the view before me, the journey awaiting above me, and the history below me.

Yet the higher I climbed, the more anxious I was to reach the top, and the more infrequent it became for me to stop and enjoy the achievement I had attained. I was too busy reaching for the finish line. I was tired; I was ready to trade the sacrifices I had made for the jews of comfort. I also stopped looking at what was below me, for fear of falling as I now had much more to lose.

The further I climbed, the less climbers I encountered. Those I did encounter was similarly too focussed on their future attainment to stop and help those passing by. At times of tiredness and frustration, I would imagine stopping and never climbing again. I imagined just sitting on the ledge to watch the beauty of the sunrise blend with each sunset, as the days and nights being the only indicators of time, where nothing needed to be attained as all there really was existed right there in front of me.

Yet, I never did stop. Deep within a voice argued that the sacrifices and efforts I had made was to get to the top; not to give up mid-way. So I climbed, and climbed. Each sunrise did melt into each sunset as the days rolled on top of each other in a meaningless cycle, only I wasn’t sitting on a ledge to witness it: the sun shone on my back, and my face was focussed on the face of the mountain in front of me.

I climbed and climbed.

I always imagined that when I arrived at the top I would spread my arms out and shout, “I made it!” I imagined that moment again and again in my mind as I climbed. I imagined how content I would be, and imagined how life would be so effortless after that. I imagined that moment as the turning point pivoting my life’s meaning.

Yet when I arrived, I could only collapse against the flat ground in exhaustion. A relief. I didn’t even have the energy to say “water”, let alone shout out, “I made it!”

After I regained my strength, I explored the world I had entered. A feeling of discontentment set in, followed by a quick shade of anger. I could hear myself saying, “Finally I’m here, what an achievement, blah blah blah.” Yet my heart was crying as I asked myself over and over silently, “Is this it?”

I got used to the life at the top fairly quickly. It was quite mundane, but at least it wasn’t as strenuous as the climb. After some time, the memory of the climb itself started to fade, and I would watch in disdain the new climbers struggling to the top of the mountain huffing and puffing.

“What’s all the fuss about?” I would think to myself, “Surely if I could do it, they should.”

Some of my fellow climbers finally arrived. “About time,” I thought.

Some of the experienced climbers returned. “Ready for retirement,” I thought unkindly.

Then my brothers arrived. I greeted them warmly as I had missed them dearly. I looked around for mum and dad, wondering where they were.

“Where’s mum and dad?” I asked.

“They’re still at the bottom.”

“Why didn’t they climb up?” I asked.

“They were too afraid to leave.”

I felt anger arise in me. Here I had climbed this huge mountain because they had urged me to do it, and they couldn’t even bother doing it themselves? Here they had told me to overcome my fears and worries, yet they couldn’t do it for themselves? Here I had accomplished this task and they weren’t here to see it? Here I had finally made it and they are not here for me to share it?

“What could they possibly be afraid about?” I gasped in frustration.

My brother gave me a hug and whispered, “They were worried about you. They were afraid that if they left, then no one would be there to catch you should you fall.”

That was the moment when I realised that the greatest mountain I needed to climb wasn’t the mountain I was standing on, but the hubris surmounted in my mind.

That was the moment when I looked down the mountain for the first time since I had reached the top, and saw the friends and mentors I had left behind. Some were struggling without anyone by their side, some were joking and taking their time, some went back to help those who had fallen behind, while others had perched themselves on a ledge to enjoy the rhythms of each sunrise and sunset.

At that moment, I realised that I could only be standing where I was because of those who had helped me along the way. Sure they may still be below me on their journey up the mountain, but that was because they knew that the mountain is not an object to be conquered for happiness, but one that provides the myriad experiences and viewpoints that allow us to conquer the most imposing threat to our happiness: our hubris.

I hugged my brother back, and said, “Come on, let’s tell mum and dad that the top isn’t as flash as everyone makes it out to be.”