Mirrors (2004)
“As usual, you’re looking perfect tonight.” The mirror smiled in acknowledgement. Jessie checked herself out one last time before she headed off: perfect dress, perfect hair, perfect shoes, perfect smile. Just perfect.
Well, except one thing. She had no boyfriend.
But of course that didn’t worry her one bit. After all, she hadn’t thought about it when she dressed and redressed for three hours. Nor did she think about it as she drove to Trevor’s 21st in the rain. And it certainly wasn’t on her mind as she made her way through the crowded party, dropping her name and smiles into strangers’ hearts. No, she wasn’t worried at all.
There were plenty of people Jessie didn’t know there. Trevor was the sort of guy who was everyone’s friend, but no one’s boyfriend; an amusing fact Jessie believes she was beginning to change. After all, she does keep catching him looking at her and he does comment on how great she looks almost every time they meet.
But she must turn him down. As much as she doesn’t care about having a boyfriend, she couldn’t possibly have him for her boyfriend. Put simply, she felt he just wasn’t good enough for her.
Just as she decided this, and was happily wallowing in the idea of someone devotedly in love with her for her to reject, she was introduced to no other than Trevor’s new girlfriend.
“Jessie, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you!” Before Jessie could prepare her rejecting speech, Trevor – like a magician – drew out a pretty girl from the crowd. “Jessie, I want you to meet Sophia. Sophia, Jessie. Jessie and I go way back, we used to go to high school together.”
Jessie was in such shock she completely forgot about her perfect composure. Although Jessie could see Trevor holding onto his dear Sophia, she still shrieked, with a pitch too high, “Is she your girlfriend?”
“Yes she is,” Trevor smiled, pulling Sophia closer. “After about three months of finding the courage to ask her out.”
The rest of the conversation was a blur, and she stumbled out a few unintelligent words and left to take shelter elsewhere. Away. Away from the happy couple, dancing their romantic song. Away from the social critics, who were her friends. Away from the sniggering walls and mocking air.
She ran outside, into the rain. This time, she didn’t see her perfect shoes sinking into the muddy puddles. She didn’t care about her perfect hair being a mess. She just felt cold, and alone.
She kept repeating to herself, “but I don’t even like him.”
And she didn’t. She wasn’t in love with him, or her mirror. She was in love with the reflection, with herself.
Commentary:
Many people say that love and hate are only separated by a very fine line. When someone stops loving you, you may begin to hate that person. When you see that person happy with someone else, you might get jealous. But is that love? Who do you love? Them or yourself? Why was Jessie so annoyed at knowing Trevor has a girlfriend? She wasn’t even in love with him.
What is operating here is one’s ego. In her mirror image, and in Trevor, Jessie thought she could understand and valuate herself. But like the moon’s shadow on a lake, reflections are not substantial, but illusionary. Our humanity is discovered and fostered within, not without. Loving-kindness allows us to think of others before ourselves, and this slowly dissolves our attachment to our discriminations of self and other. The unconditional and universal nature of Metta frees us from the entanglements of selfish love, to one that is selfless and boundless.
(Written for UNIBUDS Annual Magazine 2004)
